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So I’m a very anxious person, extremely self conscious in public each and every day, just for some background. I would love to be more self assured and confident but don’t know if I even have that in me.

I’ve been seeing this woman for a while in a kinda friends with benefits situation - she’s amazing and we get on so well - this morning we got up and she said we should go out for lunch ... which struck fear into my heart 😅 but I wanted to impress her so was just like, sure...

I’m a very reclusive girl and only rarely went on dates with my (Male) ex...now here I am with this woman I really like and we’re holding hands and clearly together...

And I’m not used to it, to the looks you get from people 🙃 So I suppose my question is, how do you get over the extra looks and attention you get when walking/ being out with your girlfriend/wife? The fear of having men yell at you (which I’ve had happen on my own, always stops when you’re with a man...when you’re 2 women it’s worse than ever 😬)

Does anyone have any tips on not caring? Or on what to do if anyone says anything? (I know I shouldn’t care, I’m proud I get to be with this amazing woman...it’s just my anxiety and fear of men/public areas) it would be really great to hear from women who started off caring like I do, but are now confident enough not to care?

So I’m a very anxious person, extremely self conscious in public each and every day, just for some background. I would love to be more self assured and confident but don’t know if I even have that in me. I’ve been seeing this woman for a while in a kinda friends with benefits situation - she’s amazing and we get on so well - this morning we got up and she said we should go out for lunch ... which struck fear into my heart 😅 but I wanted to impress her so was just like, sure... I’m a very reclusive girl and only rarely went on dates with my (Male) ex...now here I am with this woman I really like and we’re holding hands and clearly together... And I’m not used to it, to the looks you get from people 🙃 So I suppose my question is, how do you get over the extra looks and attention you get when walking/ being out with your girlfriend/wife? The fear of having men yell at you (which I’ve had happen on my own, always stops when you’re with a man...when you’re 2 women it’s worse than ever 😬) Does anyone have any tips on not caring? Or on what to do if anyone says anything? (I know I shouldn’t care, I’m proud I get to be with this amazing woman...it’s just my anxiety and fear of men/public areas) it would be really great to hear from women who started off caring like I do, but are now confident enough not to care?

7 comments

[–] saint-noir 5 points Edited

The fear of being together out in public doesn't go away for most, there's always that threat of being seen by the wrong people. Every woman should do this, but especially women in same-sex relationships should carry around some sort of self defense tool. You can look up what's legal in your area.

As GCRadFem said read the room. You can build up your confidence in the artsy, "gay" areas of where you live, it's seen as not a big deal there. If you're still self conscious try not to focus on those around you, just look forward, since it's more accepted in those areas they probably won't look twice.

Since your girlfriend / friend with benefits (?) is lesbian or bi she will likely understand, and has been there herself. She cares about you and most likely doesn't want you to be uncomfortable either, so just be honest about it with her.

[–] GCRadFem 7 points Edited

Most men simply leave us alone. We did have a couple of potentially bad situations over the years but we learned to trust our gut to separate out an actual concern from worries about what others were thinking.

The biggest issue is how you feel inside. It is hard to buck society and to be “different” but in order to live your own life to the fullest, that is where you need to start.

I learned a long time ago that most people feel as I do, unsure sometimes, afraid of judgement by people we don’t even know or we anticipate what they might be thinking when they may be thinking about that pile of laundry they need to do at home. Most people just give a cursory glance. They have their own worries and fears and don’t have the time or energy to worry about ours.

Most people do not care. Really.

I think this is a situation of practice makes perfect. The more often that you are out in public, the more comfort you will feel being with her and holding her hand.

Trust yourself. When you are feeling unsafe, there is either a genuine, gut-level warning or you may be simply fearing judgement. It’s hard to separate out sometimes but becomes easier with practice!

Thankyou for this comment! I think I needed a bit of a pep talk! I do think often my anxiety makes me feel danger where there is none.

See, both her and I are very small and “feminine” which I think attracts those men who catcall and leer. They don’t necessarily see a lesbian couple, they see a walking porn category 😐🤮

She’s far more confident than I am and just laughs and says that men are like that because they’re jealous some women don’t need or care about them 😂 which I suspect is true!

Have you talked to her about it? It's good to be aware of each other's feelings and on the same page. There's a difference between feeling a bit socially uncomfortable and feeling threatened, and you want to feel free to leave situations that set off your internal alarm. For example, if some guy is giving you bad vibes but he hasn't noticed you two yet, you want to feel able to let go of her hand/step a bit further apart without worrying that she will think you're a coward, don't want to be seen with her, etc. I often pause the PDA with my girlfriend - the main instance is if we're approaching a group of men and there aren't many other people around.

As for not caring in situations that aren't threatening - it just takes time. Focus on her, not the people around you. Let everything else fade out a bit. I avoided kissing my girlfriend in public for a bit because I just wasn't comfortable, but then the first time I did it was a complete impulse. I wasn't even thinking about the fact that we weren't alone. You may not ever get to that specific point, since everyone has different comfort levels, but hopefully you can be comfortable at whatever level of PDA you're engaging in.

Thankyou for this advice. It really sucks that same sex couples don’t have the same freedoms as straight couples 😕 I don’t want her to feel like I’m ashamed - I’m not, I’m proud to be with her- it is really just groups of men that frighten me.

I can deal with disapproving looks from an old lady, it’s yells and leers from groups of men that make me afraid ☹️

There is very much a difference between being ashamed of someone and being worried for your and their safety. I’m sure she’ll understand that!