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I’ve been coming to terms with my sexuality the last year or so after repressing myself throughout childhood and then getting to college, realizing some things, and repressing myself all over again when I found that the trans cult had taken over since I didn’t want to be associated with them.

I finally downloaded an app yesterday. I didn’t have a lot of hope because I knew from a bi friend that they would all be full of men and unicorn chasers, but I expected to at least have a few options. But lo and behold, after having to set my filters to the entire fucking world, I only came across two profiles that weren’t some variation of 1) unicorn hunters, 2) women who think they’re not women, 3) men who think they’re women, 4) people who seem to put a lot of stock into the day they were born and how the stars somehow are supposed to have some major influence on your personality despite this having no basis in reality, or 5) women going on and on about “sex work is work” and only looking for hookups. And neither of those two were close to my age or location.

So how are we supposed to find each other? I feel like I’m finally figuring out who I am and what I want, and the world is telling me all over again that what I want is wrong and doesn’t exist.

Does anyone have any secret formula for meeting women who aren’t nuts, either online or in person?

I’ve been coming to terms with my sexuality the last year or so after repressing myself throughout childhood and then getting to college, realizing some things, and repressing myself all over again when I found that the trans cult had taken over since I didn’t want to be associated with them. I finally downloaded an app yesterday. I didn’t have a lot of hope because I knew from a bi friend that they would all be full of men and unicorn chasers, but I expected to at least have a few options. But lo and behold, after having to set my filters to the entire fucking world, I only came across two profiles that weren’t some variation of 1) unicorn hunters, 2) women who think they’re not women, 3) men who think they’re women, 4) people who seem to put a lot of stock into the day they were born and how the stars somehow are supposed to have some major influence on your personality despite this having no basis in reality, or 5) women going on and on about “sex work is work” and only looking for hookups. And neither of those two were close to my age or location. So how are we supposed to find each other? I feel like I’m finally figuring out who I am and what I want, and the world is telling me all over again that what I want is wrong and doesn’t exist. Does anyone have any secret formula for meeting women who aren’t nuts, either online or in person?

24 comments

Haha no! Ive been thinking of making this exact topic for days because I feel the dating pool is 98% women who're either libfems and id never spend any time I didn't have to with, or people who're just flat out not lesbians, and nothing against bi women, but id rather another lesbian women. I tried dating apps for the first time and i loved how lesbian dating apps are also simultaneously anybody at all in the lgbtqia2+ community (oh and straight people). My gay brother has mentioned before being bothered by TiFs on his apps, BUT it's not very common, and he can respond however he wants without getting banned. I scrolled through about 4 pics before hitting an obvious, not even trying, male, even with that lovely female only filter that exists for no apparent reason yet somehow still enough to be there

Yeah, I figured there wouldn’t be a better way, but it’s just been so frustrating. Thanks for the moral support.

Yes, I’m older than you but in the same boat. I don’t want to date a trans cheerleader, or someone in a relationship looking for a third. I also downloaded an app, and it seems hard to find.

Yeah, it seems we’re all in the same boat. I wish there were an easier way.

I met my wife on OKC. I would suggest keeping the app(s) but not expecting it to happen overnight. I know when I messaged my wife she had been on for awhile and was thinking about deleting. Granted, this was back in 2014 and I have heard that OKC has gotten worse since then.

There were still unicorn hunters then but it wasn't yet overrun by TiMs. I can't imagine what its like now. Amazing how quickly that has changed in less than a decade.

Don't spend a lot of time on the apps but keep an open mind. Make clear who you are and what you are looking for, and just use it in a more passive sense. Scroll from time to time, and check your messages every few days, but don't obsess over it. People like you can and do use those apps too. Apps are, unfortunately, the modern incarnation of the "gay bar."

[–] ellienoire 6 points Edited

Number 4 struck a chord with me. People really believe in astrology crock with their whole heart and shout it out to the world like they don’t look completely idiotic.

Yeah, I guess that’s the one I could technically let slide out of the five, but it was just so pervasive... I don’t understand.

I personally couldn’t. Finding someone who doesn’t believe in gender roles is hard enough - now they want to say being born a certain sex doesn’t influence your personality but somehow the alignment of the stars does??? What? Cuckoo bananas.

Yeah, agreed, I would have a hard time being with someone who was super into it. But then again I’m realizing all of my criteria are leaving me with close to zero options...

I feel this deeply. Especially the parts about feeling alone, like what we're attracted to is wrong and doesn't exist.

But also... there is no secret formula to screening people for nuttiness. You just have to get to know people and listen to your instincts. You also have to be willing to compromise.... love is about compromise and anyone who tells you otherwise hasn't been in a successful, loving relationship.

I used to think I could only ever date someone as scientifically-minded as me, who could keep up with me in all my niche nerdy research. But ya know something, as I've gotten older, I've softened on this. I know someone (who I have a crush on) who believes in acupuncture. She swears by it, talks about her twice-monthly appointments where her acupuncturist opens up her chi and helps her unblock negative energy.

This sounds absolutely bananas to me. But at the end of the day, is it a big deal? She spends $40 to have someone stick needles in her, then leave her alone in silence to contemplate life. She feels a real benefit from it, in terms of clarity and overall mental health management.

She can keep up with me in intense, abstract conversations, but she brings a different perspective than a scientist. I'm finding that more valuable as time goes on. So even though she and I will never see eye to eye on some of the more mystical parts of her beliefs, I'm finding that it just does not matter as much as I used to think.

Obs, I'm not in a relationship with her. But the things I thought were dealbreakers, aren't. Just something to keep in mind.

"there is no secret formula to screening people for nuttiness. You just have to get to know people and listen to your instincts. You also have to be willing to compromise"

There's such a fine line between the last two. I really struggle with this and trust too many nutters because I question myself 😩

I actually completely agree with this. I wrote this post as a rant because this week has been so frustrating for me. One of my closest friends was super into astrology and I didn’t really care, I just rolled my eyes. It was really just that so many of the profiles (like, all of them) ONLY listed a star sign, like that’s supposed to tell me something meaningful about you as a person and persuade me to message you... I just... how? I don’t care if we disagree about some things, but I do care that we can hold an intelligent conversation of some sort.

Can I ask how you feel about the rest of it? I’m very open to different ideas/religious beliefs, what have you, but I don’t want to feel like I have to hide myself in a relationship the way I do with my TRA friends. I feel like I would be terrified the whole time that the person would either realize I’m GC and at best leave, at worst have me cancelled and fired, or even worse, that I’d unwittingly end up with someone who jumps on the trans train herself and has her breasts removed or something. I guess I’d be okay being with someone I disagreed with who accepted my beliefs, but that seems to be mutually exclusive with the TRA position at this point.

Totally. The GC/trans stuff is hard to navigate. With my friend, she's actually the only person I've opened up to about it. I've been lucky, she's a really amazing person who has taken a lot of time to understand where I'm coming from and over time, a lot of her own opinions have changed and become more flexible. We're not eye-to-eye, not exactly, but we've reached a good middle ground where she can have her opinion that TWAW and I can have my concerns about forcing lesbians to accept TW into their spaces and dating pool, and about self-ID being threatening to women and the importance of women's spaces, and we can both agree that the issue is not as black-and-white as the narrative presents.

She's good with accepting that the idea that TWAW is just an opinion, and shouldn't be forced.

So I guess it just comes down to good communication? Not sure. Sorry, wish I could be more help

I have no formula but just sharing your pain. On top of that I'm mostly into butch women and like...80% of the women I think "Ooh she's cute" about on the apps have "they/them" or "transmasc" on the profile 🥲

I am in a relationship with a man and I feel this. I am bisexual, and, as the kids say, biromantic. I would treat a relationship with a woman like a relationship not like a box checking exercise.

It's hard. It sucks.