I'm putting this in loving women because I'm hoping for some advice/new perspectives. This post will talk about men, please don't be offended but I'm really at struggling here.
I don't know if I'm bisexual or lesbian,and that makes me feel lost.
Quick backstory: grew up a total tomboy, always very non conforming in my appearance and hobbies. I was bullied about being a lesbian and I think that's why I didn't admit to myself I was attracted to women until I literally had my (now ex) ask me out on a date at age 25. I had "dated" boys in highschool but could never bring myself to have sex with any of my crushes. I didn't lose my virginity until 21(tried a new medication that made me manic and horny, I would take it back if I could). I have only been with men 3 times total, with 2 different men. Each time I felt nothing but dissapointment,maybe because the men I chose only wanted to fuck and I didn't actually like them.
When I met my (now ex) I felt something I never thought of could feel. I was in love. The colours of the world were brighter, love was worth sharing. It was amazing. We were together for 8 months, but broke up amicably. Our personalities just weren't similar enough for a long term haul, but I'm happy for every memory none the less. I realized that I had all this internalized misogyny that had kept me from opening myself up to a real relationship with another woman. I say this is misogyny an not homophobia because I was thinking about women the way men do. That if I wasn't the best most amazing person no woman could ever love me. I know differently now.
Now, onto my problem. I think I'm physically? attracted to men, but not intellectually?maybe I don't know how to put it. Like, I like looking at men. I like seeing muscles and hairy arms and beards, all that "otherness" that men have. But I don't actually want to touch them. I don't want to have sex with them. I don't want to have a child with one. Like, just the idea that most men would rape an animal or a child just to get his rocks off makes my stomach turn.
I do have some mental issues, and I don't know if my issues with sex are related to that or if I'm just lesbian and still trying to get over my internalized homophobia. 'm feeling stuck and confused. Please give any words of wisdom, I don't have anyone to talk about this with.
Maybe I just need to hear it's ok to be lesbian. I don't know.
Edit: so I'm feeling really grateful for everyone's responses. Everyone has given me a lot to think about and it's clear that I need to do some self reflection. much love to all of you, thank you ❤️ this community means a lot to me.