So, I think I have been “wrongfully” calling myself a lesbian.

And maybe I am bi or hetero.

Recently, I’ve been sticking with hetero because I don’t want to insert myself in a community that doesn’t have much to do with me ( as either a bi or hetero woman ).

As I get more involved in these subjects of trans and gay women, I’ve been feeling guilty about ever using the term to describe myself.

However, saying that I am hetero doesn’t feel right somehow.

A strong part of me really just wants to be. For reasons concerning family, religion as well as my mental health history.

But the truth is, I was never really given the chances to explore romance.

Well, that’s not entirely true. So I’ll try my best to explain myself.

As a child and teen, I was incredibly ( and continue to be ) sheltered though as an adult I am finally starting to find my own individuality. Or at least taking the actions necessary to finally give myself the space to grow into my own body.

There were instances from my childhood where I know I’ve experienced attraction to my female classmates and even as a teen there were several crushes on them that I’ve kept to myself.

The only time I’ve been (semi) vocal about a crush was during my stay at a camp. There were two girls there with crushes on me however we were just friends during our time there. But there was this other girl who had my attention. One of the girls who admitted their crush to me also said that they found this girl attractive, too. But knowing this made me uncomfortable and I was very jealous to see them spending time with each other.

Sometime after our stay, she would message me about wanting an answer to her question from our last night— she wanted to know if I had a crush on anyone . Since it’s over text, I admit that it was her and she tells me the feeling is mutual and that if I answered her sooner she would have kissed me goodbye ( something I’d mentally kick myself over for the next two years even while dating some boy ). But we lived too far apart to make anything work.

At some point, I’ve become a complete shut-in so IRL romance was completely off for me. She was the closest I’ve gotten to feeling that romance and excitement over the idea of being in a relationship with someone.

And I’ve dated four guys ( two before her and two after her… three of those being e-dating ) though I was always so distant in the relationship. I was always annoyed with the talk and possibility of sex and would eventually get cheated on because I wouldn’t really be much of a girlfriend to them.

But surely this could be attributed to something else other than being into females? Like, self-esteem issues or maybe an unconscious, bad perspective of men… or something?

Nowadays, I am not searching for anything with anyone. Again, I really want to gain some insight on myself without the constant buzzing in my ear on who it is I should be and without using the definitions of me others have imposed on myself with little consideration of my own opinions.

But I’ve been thinking about romance so much lately that this had been boiling, stewing in my mind for months. Just feeling like a fraud in everything about myself.

I’m not dying to hold on to a label but at the same time I want some sign of “me” to be tangible— whatever that may be.

Unfortunately, everything seems so hazy to me.

This was more of a vent so I could get this off of my chest and be heard by those who might relate to this experience. But I’ve just been feeling some guilt over my past use of the word “lesbian” to describe myself ( especially with all the bashing and misconceptions they’ve been getting in recent years ) and also some resentment towards the possibility of me being bi but not having found the “right guy” due to some kind of “subconscious hatred” of them.

I just feel like I’m the stereotypical idea of why people “become” gay— being a woman who suffered from a cocktail of mental illnesses since childhood and “hates” men.

And I really want to make it clear that I believe there is a such thing as homosexual people— in case bad faith actors are lurking. Lesbians aren’t women who just “become” attracted to other women… they just are. It has nothing to do with choice or trauma and I don’t want my story to be misread as an actual hetero woman who “turned gay” through trauma, et cetera, and used as evidence for why it’s okay to pressure lesbians to accept anything other than another female .

I really appreciate your time and attention and thank you all for reading this.