Because if women recognize abusive relationships, that will be the death knell of heterosexual engagement for the most part. Almost all of them are abusive to an extent.

I know a teacher who has used a text about abusive relationships in language classes. A student then said she thought she was in abusive relationship, and eventually broke up with the boyfriend.

This is exactly how it will go if she chooses to ignore, excuse or downplay the comment. No doubt. Thankfully, it seemed like the overwhelming number of responses containing similar shared experiences from other women was exactly what she needed to hear to grasp the gravity of the situation she is in. I don't think there was a single comment that didn't express how big of a red flag the comment is, and how much danger OP is likely in.

Women really can't afford to assume that men are joking when they say things like this.

Girl, this just made me so sad. Why are you convinced that a man who abuses you is your soulmate? Does he love you? It doesn't sound like he even likes you. I'm sure he would say that isn't true, but I have so little tolerance for men who express their love with rage, violence, anger and abuse. and especially directed at someone who is objectively smaller and weaker and more vulnerable by design. Has he put his hands on you before, or was that the ex? Are you scared of him? I know it's easy for me to say because I'm not the one in the relationship, but if you are afraid of this man, you have to find the courage to leave him. I know that you love yourself more than you love him. You have to. You are a better person than he is. You are kind and loving and gentle, and you would never dream of harming someone who is essentially defenseless in comparison. You are a lovely person and you are worthy of a life without this nonsense.

I understand all too well how we tend to crave what is familiar. Our brains can be so toxic when it comes to what we adapt to for the sake of survival. We trick ourselves into believing that abuse isn't abuse, because abuse is our "normal". We interpret it as less dangerous, less harmful, less violent than it actually is. Victims of abuse aren't capable of assessing our own situation, because we can't see it accurately. We are not reliable historians. In some cases, we learn to believe that it is what we deserve, so we stay to punish ourselves. Please don't continue to punish yourself. Whatever it is that you think you have done wrong, or whatever it is that you think you aren't worthy of, I am here to tell you that it isn't true. You are a beautiful, courageous and valuable woman. Even if you don't feel it, I need you to understand and accept that it is true. Feelings cannot be trusted right now.

Your trust in this man is misplaced. Someone who abuses a woman doesn't deserve your trust. He can't be trusted. He's shown you that already, and he doesn't deserve any more opportunities to show you more of the same. You're not a hypocrite for being able to see someone else's situation objectively, but getting lost in the fog when it comes to your own life. Everyone is like that from time time. It's hard to see the big picture when you're in the midst of the struggle. You're far too close to the situation, your feelings are involved, and the familiarity of his behavior is comforting. Considering this, I hope you will take this message to heart, knowing that it comes from a place of love and genuine concern. Even if this man promises to change, and he's never physically violent toward you again, the damage he's already done can't be repaired while you're involved with the person who harmed you.

You are still so young. The right person for you is out there, but I promise you that this man is not him. Every day of your youth that you give to this man is another day that you separate yourself from your actual soulmate. Please be well and take care of you. ♥️

It’s difficult to practice what you preach when feelings are involved. Can’t fault you for that. I do hope that you get away from him though. Love your comments here and it would be a loss not only for your loved ones but all of us here if he hurt you. And you absolutely deserve better than someone who scares and abuses you.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. I’ve been there.

One thing I wish someone had pointed out to me was that men like him, men like my ex husband - they are extremely skilled at making you believe you are soulmates. They manipulate every interaction from day one, to convince you that there is this extraordinary connection. But it is all a facade, more of their lies. At least look up traits and tactics of narcissistic abusive men. I see you mentioned drug problems - a high percentage of men with addictions are extremely narcissistic, many to the point of NPD. If he also has a porn or sex addiction - that becomes 100%.

Just give it a thought. The thing about people who lie is, the only thing you can count on is that they will lie. A liar does not discriminate. There will never be certain people he wouldn’t lie to or certain topics he won’t lie about. Next time he does something awful - instead of giving the benefit of the doubt, consider what may be going on in his mind to control the entire situation. How he might make himself look innocent, how he might be trying to illicit sympathy, what he might be trying to cover up by creating chaos. Because at the end of the day; the chaos is just a distraction. They are always in control.

I am sorry to break it to you but there is no such thing as a soulmate. We are all just humans making a choice to either be with someone and give ourselves to them, or not. Choice is powerful and scary but it's also in our control. Don't ever forget that it's your choice to be with someone and it's your choice to leave. There is no altruistic higher being that has given you a "soulmate". Just you and your own power to choose.

I have been in similar situations before myself, and one of the hardest lessons I have ever learned is that you cannot change him and it's not because of anything missing in you. Abusive men are experts at targeting caring and compassionate women who only want to bring good into the world and soothe the pain of others. But they are not in pain, they are in control and will do anything to keep it. Often, their sob stories are lies or exaggerations. Even when they are not, ask yourself, would I treat someone else the way he is treating me ever, for any reason? The answer is always no.

They are also experts at turning shit on to you, keeping you so focused on being perfect that you think - if I had just used this one word instead of that other one it wouldn't have started a 3 day argument, or something like that. And one day you will realize that no matter how perfect you are, he will always find fault somehow. Not because you actually did something wrong, but because it's what keeps you under control. He uses your kindness and compassion against you.

You can not change him. You are not all powerful, a wizard, or a psychologist. You are a person who deserves love and understanding. Give those things to yourself. You are your own soulmate. It may feel like you cannot be on your own, but I promise you that you can. It will be hard at first, but you can do hard things. And it will get easier, then one day it will be so freeing, and you will be happier than you ever imagined you could be.

You are not a hypocrite. You are a caring person who is being manipulated by someone who is only good at acting caring. I know that I'm only a stranger on the internet, and I really hope I'm not overstepping here, but I've been there and I feel very passionately about this sort of thing now. It's not normal to be with someone who scares you and you think is capable of killing you. It's not something you have to accept to find love, and all the love and care you are giving to this man you can give it to yourself instead. You deserve all the good things, just as you are, you don't have to be perfect for that.

Absolutely. I imagine that it would be impossible to not live in fear every single day while living with someone who would say that. You're absolutely right, he could just get paranoid one day over something innocuous, and go off. Thankfully, the women in the replies to the post expressed all of these points perfectly. I didn't have to add a thing. It was so encouraging to see that the majority of women who replied were able to see that situation for what it is. They left excellent advice, words of encouragement, resources for creating a safety/escape plan, information on shelters and DV centers...everything. It was truly beautiful to see women supporting a woman in trouble without any judgement or snide remarks.