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Killer_DanishMay 18, 2024
Bright side? She dodged a bullet from a man who was almost certainly going to carry-on a secret relationship with another woman their whole marriage.
somegenerichandleMay 18, 2024
I bet the additional stress from the whole situation didn't help his heart.
[Deleted]May 18, 2024
notsofreshfeelingMay 18, 2024
Infidelity has been with us since the dawn of time. Yes, it hurts to be on the receiving end, but sometimes I wish we'd all grow up a little and not make it more than it is. It doesn't necessarily mean someone never loved you or stopped loving you. People have ups and downs, long term relationships are challenging, sometimes people are stressed and depressed and another person seems to "get" them in a way that feels like a relief and makes them question whether they are with the right person. No, it isn't right, but nevertheless humans haven't quite figured out how to be entirely faithful all of the time.
Killer_DanishMay 18, 2024
Hard NO.
I am not going to put all the effort and sacrifice into a relationship with a man who will risk my health, safety, and sanity for a fun romp. Betrayal of agreed-upon rules is NOT love. Risking STIs is NOT love. Wasting family money and resources on an affair partner is NOT love.
You know what happens to a woman who stays with their cheater? She has to permanently take on the role of marriage police/detective to make sure he never cheats again (checking phones/internet activity, following him around to make sure he is where he says he is, etc...) Now what kind of life do you think that is? Hardly a relationship, and definitely not a marriage.
"Polygamy is human nature" is a lazy male excuse I hear all the time. Monogamy takes EFFORT. If males are too lazy to be monogamous in exchange for all the wonderful things a female partner provides, well, they have internet porn and their dominant hand, don't they?
And to all you ladies who want to hear angry breakup stories about leaving (mostly) cheating men? Chump Lady.
The bare minimum of a relationship is being able to be honest with each other and trust each other. If the partner is unable to keep their pants zipped long enough to break off their relationship first or at least inform their partner via text :) they're about to fuck someone because they just can't stop themselves, they're not suitable for partnership.
Everything else is just trite little ego shit. "Oh you know one thing led to another it's so veryyyy complicated, it just felt right, we were having issues, blah blah blah."
notsofreshfeelingMay 18, 2024
I think life and having a brain is more complicated than this and prefer to be realistic.
Killer_DanishMay 18, 2024
I think life is about not being a doormat. What if being "realistic" about the situation is that if you cheat on your partner, you lose it. Like, if you get caught stealing at your job, you lose your job and go to jail. Cheating IS stealing from the relationship.
And your suggestion that it takes "having a brain" or whatever to navigate how "complicated" this whole human interaction thing happens to be (no subtle jab there!), is lazy. Monogamy is not easy. Neither is eating healthy and exercising, but we're better off for it.
What you call being "realistic," I call being a cynic.
My position is "realistic" because infidelity has always been with us and always will be. I'm being descriptive (what humans do) rather than prescriptive (what humans supposedly should do). Both men and women cheat and they will continue to cheat. I'd rather us not invest so much of our self worth in another person that we fall apart if we find out they've cheated. Plus, many women around the globe cheat because they are stuck in a marriage and they suddenly find themselves falling for another person but they can't figure out which course to take (to stick with a secure but unromantic situation or to risk all for a romance). I think this idea of forever monogamy is rooted in patriarchy and the interests of men to pass on their estate to a firstborn son. I think if society were shaped around women's needs, and heterosexual women could easily take or leave the men in their lives without undue financial burden or housing insecurity, perhaps we'd see less cheating but much more serial monogamy. Scolding women for cheating, especially when many are not in any way equally financially secure as men, mostly serves men's interests. But I know it's a very controversial opinion, and I haven't quite worked through my thoughts, so I don't mind the downvotes.
somegenerichandleMay 18, 2024
Yes, i was a little worried about this being in NtP. I wouldn't call cheating male violence exactly. It certainly not criminal and doesn't qualify as abusive in itself.
WrennMay 18, 2024
Cheating on the level of this man and those like him is absolutely abusive. Betrayal trauma is serious and severe. Millions of women have C-PTSD because of betrayal trauma. There are many tactics of psychological and emotional abuse required for these men to get away with this behavior. Men who live double (or more) lives are a very far cry from men who keep doing hookups while dating.
If you are interested in learning more, I highly recommend the Betrayal podcast (or the ABC/Hulu documentary of it).
The saddest part is how dedicated she was to her almost husband. I’m not saying it’s wrong, but I wish she’d been able to find help and heal. And that this other woman who’d reached out to her told her the truth years earlier.