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She gets to decide what is for her own good.
This sounds like avoidant or fearful avoidant attachment.
I'll need to read into this.
Part of my current way of thinking partially stems from a past relationship where I was the abused one. I clung on to it even though I was deeply unhappy with my abusive partner because I just believed we could make things work eventually as long as we remained together, until one day she finally told me she'd already lost interest in me almost two years ago. She had just been keeping me around because I was conveniently secure for her. I think... I keep telling myself I've long since moved on from that, but I'm so fearful that's what I'm doing to my current partner in turn. I was deciding what I wanted for myself back then too.
I'm not out of love with my current partner at all, but I also don't think I'm enough for her.
I'm sorry that happened to you, and that it's haunting your current relationship. It does sound, though, like the two aren't comparable: your ex was not in love; you are. Your ex was abusive; you struggle with feeling good enough.
I agree with the others who recommend therapy; individual, couples or both. It really sounds like you have a distorted image of yourself that's causing you unnecessary grief.
Thank you. I'll think about it. I don't have a particularly good view of therapists at the moment and while I did have an excellent one before, my last after that was mostly... me paying her money to tell me coping methods I already knew about.
I'll see what I can do. Thank you.
You can’t mindread her. Let her speak for herself and trust her to be an adult and speak for her needs and advocate for herself. Tbh it’s quite arrogant to believe you know better what a person is feeling than they do themselves, and that you don’t have to listen to their explicitly expressed feelings.
If you want out of the relationship, break up, but don’t blame it on her and your belief that deep down she wanted you to. You admit in the title of this post that the relationship is good. If you want the relationship, stay and let go of your need to control your partner’s experience.
But truly, if you just want out that’s okay.
I wouldn't blame her for anything. I'm just wondering if it's shitty of me to "let her" stay because she says she wants to when I can tell (or at least I'm convinced of it) that the way I treat her has been less than stellar.
I don't want out but I also don't want to keep hurting her just by being around. She's the kind of self sacrificial, selfless person who'll put herself second so I can be first, but I'm the selfish kind that can't do the same. I feel abusive (emotionally). I don't know if I actually am.
Have you considered going to counseling together?
Crodish, I think it's the depression talking, and that addressing that might help you to feel easier in the relationship. It's her decision, really, whether or not she's happy with you. Could you be projecting your unhappiness onto her? It's so easy to thrash about and damage what you have when you're not feeling mentally healthy.
If you have a therapist, this would be a good thing to discuss there. And really you need to talk to your partner and let her know that you're worried about her happiness in the relationship, and then believe what she tells you.
It's so freaking hard to find a good partner. It's also rough to be alone when you're going through a tough time. I hope you two can work it out.
thrash about and damage what you have
This is pretty much all I've been doing lately, even my partner said she's noticed I've changed. I should be feeling bad about this but mostly I just... want to be alone so I stop hurting everyone I'm in contact with. I become a really terrible nasty person when I'm depressed and take it out on everything else.
I think about that saying that says a person's true character is who they are during bad times instead of good and just... yeah. She's the most amazing person I've ever met and she doesn't deserve this.
Be honest with her but think it out first if you actually wanna leave her. Don't make a regrettable mistake but do what you think is the best thing based on your gut and your head.
I actually don’t tho any of us can answer this for you
If you don’t want to be with her, then that’s all the reason you need
If you actually are abusing her, or the relationship is toxic, and you really don’t want to change, same
But if you do want to be with her, and she wants to be with you, I don’t see why you would bring about a breakup that neither of you seem to want.
I may have to agree with in-your-head-partner's-argument about it being your depression. This maybe sounds like a type of self harm
But if you do want to be with her, and she wants to be with you, I don’t see why you would bring about a breakup that neither of you seem to want.
My mind has firmly convinced me that wanting something doesn't make it right and we'd be better off if we never met. Even after we've spent so many years together without any major arguments that I can count on one hand the times we've had them (well. five. the last three in the last few months alone).
Weird form of self harm. I can tell I'm turning into a shitty person but we've also discussed breaking up for this reason before and her answer has always been that she wants to stay regardless. If I was with me I would have dumped me a long time ago.
Hugs. I really don’t know the right decision for you
But I have yet to see a shitty person who is aware they are shitty. They usually think it’s everyone else
Call me crazy, but if the relationship is good, you dont break up
It's good for me and she says it's good for her but I can't shake off the feeling that I'm taking advantage of her (kindness, acceptance, love, etc).
Is it possible you have low self esteem and feel you dont deserve love? Thatd what im reading
I think it's both honestly. I'm not completely faultless and I haven't been the best kind of person one would want to be with.
If possible I would leave the job before the girlfriend. I left my extremely stressful, nightshift, and toxic job eight months ago and I feel like a new person.
My job's restructure has been the major change in my life - it went from being a job I was actually happy in with work life balance to me hating everything that comes out of everyone's mouth and stressing over everything and snapping back because my patience was been worn that thin and barely time to do anything during working hours.
I don't know why I never once considered leaving the job since it's the direct thing that's affected my QOL. Thanks for this.
fully agree on leaving the job first!