Hi,

I am sorry if this is not the right place to post but I need some advise and thought I would ask. There are so many smart and wonderful women on this site and I need guidance.

I have been trying to get into graduate school to get a Ph.D in clinical psych and have been rejected the last two cycles. I did get an interview this last round but in the interview I started realize how much I hate academia. I am not sure I want to try again but feel uncertain or unconfident with what I want to do with my life otherwise.

Important background: I have had a disadvantaged start life, growing up in poverty and domestic violence, also have ADHD and a mathematics disability and for large portions of my childhood my religious nut of a mother "home schooled" me( i.e. taught me lies if anything at all). As a result when I was going through college I was homeless and traumatized and just getting my shit together; suffice to say you can see the learning curve in my GPA.

Because of my disability and where I come from I feel so inferior and ashamed. Everyone knows of dyslexia but no one knows of dyscalculia, there is hardly any research. It seems like all the lucrative careers rely on math and the current world doesn't seem to value those who struggle with it. I feel a double stigma in that not only am I disabled but I am fulfilling the stereotype that women are not good at math. I know this is not true as I am aware of many women who are, but I wish I could prove it myself.

I have worked hard and have been trying to make myself a viable candidate by interning as a research assistant and, as of recently, I just got a job as one. In this new position I just feel so far behind, most of my colleagues are younger than me, better at math, they are only children and their parent are doctors and professors. I just don't feel up to snuff, do I really want to spend my career suffering from imposter syndrome? I have also been having internal philosophical conflict over the state of psychology as a field; replication crisis, trans issues, e.t.c. I am also almost 30 and I am wondering if there is different less time consuming degree that I could do, say a masters program.

One last thing, I think the reason I have stayed on this path so long is that when I was first evaluated for my disability I told the psychologist evaluating me that I wanted to pursue psychology. He told me that due to my disability I would not be able to pass a stats class. I have felt like I have had to prove that fucker wrong ever since. Technically I have, I have passed stats with an A but it was hard. I still feel like I need to prove him wrong. Maybe this is clouding my view but I am not sure how to let it go.

Lately I have had this niggling feeling that I should do something with writing as that is where my skills lay(the same test that revealed my mathematics disability showed superior verbal strengths and above average IQ overall). Maybe a postbacc in english?

Any thoughts about how to move forward are helpful.

TL; DR Almost 30 and have been rejected from psych Ph.D twice. Disadvantaged childhood + ADHD and math disability causing imposter syndrome. Looking for possible career change advice.