There's a sad little girl inside you that needs a lot of love and attention and mothering. Be her mother and give it to her. Tell her the things a loving mother would tell her. Get a picture of yourself as a little girl and really see and feel how precious she is. Tell her she is the cutest thing you ever saw and treat her that way from now on. That would be my from-the-hip advice.

Hello!

I hesitated to post because I am white and I felt the best advice would come from your black sisters - mine might be pretty worthless.

However, one thing I think is that male attention is not something that you should place much value upon. I say this as an older woman and my guess is you are a younger woman. My best advice would be to focus on your own goals and achievements. It can be a hobby, an academic goal, a sporting goal for yourself. Something that you are interested in and that you may or may not excel at. Do things for you. See how much you can accomplish.

And apologies if my advice was a bit crap.

I don't know how old you are or what your life situation is, but my recommendation would be to travel.

Outside the community you're currently in, the dynamic of "preferences" will be very different. There will be worse places but there will also be much better places.

If you are living somewhere where people make fun of your skin and hair it's time to move.

Detach yourself from the idea that other people, especially people who don't know you, get to decide your worth.

The way these people have treated you says more about them than it does about you and that is their issue, you aren't required to change their minds or persuade them to be different.

If someone is racist they have told you a lot about themselves and there is no need to desire their good graces, you don't have the same opinions or morals.

It's possible to waste years of your life hoping to get approval from people who have no willingness to give it. Or you can minimize contact and thoughts about such people as much as possible and focus on the things that make you happy, make your life better, and people who actually respect you.

Do you have long term goals and aspirations? When I was in my mid 20s, I heard about "financial independence" and at that point decided to spend my next 10 years saving and investing. This was a goal I could see the progress as I went along, and I didn't have any need to compare to others, only myself year over year. Incidentally, I dropped all the spending habits women are pressured into in service of my goal, which also helps me not compare myself to other women.

It could be a lot of things: a degree, a promotion or certain position, a hobby, a house, a family. Whatever it is, I felt like I really grew and grounded from making a 10 year plan. It was the first time in my life, becoming an adult, that I considered my future and what I wanted it to look like.

Best wishes.

In my experience, filling yourself up with activities that fill your soul doesn’t erase bad feelings, but it definitely makes them look less large.

I second @xadphrone’s advice about financial independence, because I deeply regret that u didn’t do that in my 20s and 30s, and I think the only way out of patriarchy is for women to be financially strong.

But also, I would suggest taking that mental energy and pouring it into something that matters to you outside of work: volunteering, athletic activities, fine art, travel, writing, etc. Whatever it is that you long to do, go do that. Put the 10,000 hours of deliberate practice into something that makes your hear sing.

For all people say “we are human beings, not human doings,” I really believe we build self-confidence through deliberate, focused action. Not to say introspection isn’t good, but by itself, it just becomes navel gazing. Speaking from personal experience.

That maybe if I had her appearance he would pay attention to me. The fact that I am black latina makes it a little more complicated. It hurts when latino men prefer white latina women. Even black latino men prefer white latina women.

Wishing they looked different is something many many women do, there is a $trillion industry around selling us that dream. We have been taught to think that if we fit all the right stereotypes then society will have more respect for us.

if only I was prettier people would treat me better

if only my skin and hair looked different they would treat me better.

The list of "flaws" goes on and on and on and on.

At first, it does work - ask any woman who has gained, then lost a lot of weight just how different people treat them through that journey.

Women suffer more from social anxiety, prejudice, and inequality based on their appearance. Sadly you won't improve the opinions of shallow or racist people. I'm with you, I would avoid those types as they are not worth your time or energy. Find a social circle that lifts you up and makes you happy.

With the dudes you are interested in, stop criticizing yourself for not being "enough", and ask what is he bringing to the table. What makes him such a catch? Often not much.

Maybe try to understand and have empathy for white women so your feeling toward them isn't going to be about the attention you're not getting from latino men.

I've absolutely been there, wishing I had some other features (like being skinny) and envy women with them. It's not a fun place to be, and I definitely knew there were times that turned into things like resentment etc. But I do think just developing curiosity toward those women and their experiences is what helped me keep these negative feelings in check. I can talk to those women, reality-check myself and have that reminder that they're just normal people, and end up feeling sympathy for the struggles they have.

I have a relevant story I can share with you. It may help you see things from another angle.

I'm white as a lily, and living and working in an area that is racially diverse with a large Latino population, and immigrants. Being the size that I am, I don't get much attention from white men. I used to feel insecure about when I was younger but right now, I'm more terrified of male attention, especially just random strangers. I freeze up when they hit on me and I'm grateful more don't.. BUT the fetishization of white women among many latino, black and immigrant men does affect me. They are almost exclusively the only men who hit on me lately.. and I always get disgusted or terrified when it happens.

Recently, I started a new job. My supervisor is taking too much interest in me. I'm not putting effort into my appearance, I'm not being too friendly.. its just that he doesn't work with many women, much less white women. He's been asking inappropriate questions, such as where I live and if I'm married. He's trying really hard. And of course he does it privately when no one is around, so I don't have evidence to prove this is happening. It's not nice to have that kind of fetishy attention, it can be downright scary.

I also know a white man who fetishize asians, and it creeped me out when he told me. He's been really revealing himself lately. I think no matter the specific races involved, the men who fetishize and only care about one type of race or one type of look, don't really see women as people. You're not missing out when they don't give you their attention, because that type of man has no value as a partner at all.

I admit I do not know the latino community well enough, but I really do hope there are some men in the mix who don't have these fetishes and would love you for all of you.

I think this is normal and not something you should beat yourself up about. Maybe it can also be helpful to remember that men are totally worthless and that racist men are even more worthless than the regular ones?

Weird. I'm Italian American and the African American women at work won't keep their hands out of my freaking hair. If it's revenge for some past digression they experienced....well, sorry, but that's not my fault. In any event, I wish they'd stop touching my damn hair.