Some of these friends I’ve been close with for many years. I’ve been to weddings, birthdays, Proms, and many other important events. As well as just growing to love and deeply care for these people. It’s not that simple sadly. And the idea of cutting them off or losing them for good is extremely painful for me.

Hey, I know the feeling... I recently ended a 10+ year friendship with someone who transed herself about 5 years ago. I just couldn't put up with the gaslighting and constant walking on eggshells around her. It does hurt, as losing any close friendship always does, but to be honest, even given that, I'm happier not having her in my life.

In one of our last conversations, she had said, "I'm thinking about presenting more 'femme' from now on..." Yeah, well good luck with that now that you have a pube beard, a frog voice, and no breasts. And just like usual with TiFs, she has had a whole basket of "unrelated" mental illnesses and is an SA survivor.

She spent time in a mental hospital twice that I know of for a psychotic break and was diagnosed with BPD, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and PTSD. This was, I should note, before she decided to hop on the trans train. One would think that given that diagnostic history, no clinician in the world would deem her competent to decide to cut off her breasts and take wrong sex hormones, but sadly, that's not the world we live in... It's Trans Uber Alles.

I recently tried to tell the sister I am closer to that I'm a TERF, and why, viz., what I think is wrong with the whole trans train.

She said I sounded 'obsessed', like a racist who constantly bangs on about "darkies" [apologies, it's a gross word—NB she was quoting an imaginary Nazi], and tod me I should 'live and let live': 'they're human beings, aren't they?—as if I had said they weren't. I tried to impress on her that she really knows diddlysquat about what's going on, but it was hopeless. She wouldn't listen to what I wanted to tell her about children being transed, transbians barging into lesbian spaces, women dying from botched phalloplasties... you all know the drill. The only tiny chink in her armour emerged when I told her about men in women's prisons.

This from a 2nd wave feminist who lived in a lesbian collective for a while... .

I’m so sorry. I think we all feel this to some extent. I just had a 30+ year friendship end because after 5 years of me shoving everything into a closet (like you say), I couldn’t do it anymore. But I didn’t even get to share my POV with her. After I told her all I wanted/expected was her to listen with an open mind, she told me that we could stay friends if I just didn’t talk about any of this stuff.

And I just couldn’t do it anymore. And even though I miss our daily texts (and everything else), I feel a weight lifted. I miss her, but I don’t miss the stress of trying to keep my real feelings suppressed. I don’t miss the stress of feeling like I have to tailor every reply to her so I don’t upset her “progressive” sensibilities. I don’t miss having to smile and nod when our friends talk about their “non-binary” minor children.

It’s so disheartening and I deeply resent all of this as well. I wish I had advice for you, but I guess just know you’re not alone.

This is a hard road. I lost my two best friends a few years ago because I started to feel like I was hiding something from them by engaging in 'wrongthink', so at some point when the opportunity presented itself I just laid it all out for them. I maybe naively thought that our ten+ year friendship would take precedence, but they decided to drop me because, and I quote, "I don't even know who you are anymore."

It was awful. This ideology is tearing all kinds of relationships apart. But, at the same time, you can argue until you're blue in the face but some people simply cannot break away from the cult. It's all so insidious.

It’s ok as long as you’re not a TERF.”

I would ask them what they mean by that? because youve seen people calked a terf for saying the same things as you, and it seems to just mean "witch", aka a social greenlight to abuse a woman. What is a TERF in their eyes, whwts the line between your stated beliefs and that, and what would/should happen to you if you stray over that line?

It’s not that simple sadly

To me, it is that simple. If my friends cant respect me despite political disagreement, they arent my friends. If you cant let slip that you dont think men can literally become women, because youre scared of the response, they already arent your friends. Socially, you may need them and need to keep the peace, but you dont trust them.

I'd ask them what exactly they think a TERF is.

Hey OP I really feel you. Something that has helped me a lot has been to change the online environments I frequent. I stopped using reddit because that place is cancer. Only ovarit. Now my TikTok is also very lesbian-focused and the algorithm has found me the true lesbians and feminists. I watch runaway siren’s videos on YouTube. For a month I returned home from work and played a passive driving simulator video game while listening to varied podcasts, from Gender a Wider Lens, to Heretics, and figures like Jillian Michaels and Mr Menno. It also extended into health, neurology, religion, and philosophy podcasts. Once you start listening only to reasonable people, somehow, this frustration relaxes and goes down. I feel like I’ve found my people and the world isn’t crazy after all. I actually made myself listen and watch to them until I myself got kind of tired and burnt out from the topic. By then it was clear that the trans issue isn’t about trans people. It’s about a new form of religious fundamentalism emerging from leftist politics. I realized my family and friends were much more open to this kind of conversation than “trans TERF” what not. I actually don’t bring up the word TERF ever because I’m just a lesbian. I don’t exclude trans people because my sexuality isn’t a conscious choice. And I’m not a radfem (yet, idk). Remove people the most you can from the witch hunt rabbit hole, don’t bring up any acronym. The term TERF was created to symbolically shame women with strong opinions, there is no substantive backing to it, and so nothing productive comes out from it.

My father always thought this whole debacle is ludicrous. UNTIL he was reading a book about Meta for investment, and discovered that Meta’s diversity panel failed because left-wing members refused to hold a conversation with a right-wing woman who was defending women’s sports. THAT was the straw that broke the camel’s back in Meta’s efforts for democratic caucus and he couldn’t believe it. I felt tremendous satisfaction. For some reason this topic has become the melting point, the unsolvable itch, the culmination of opposing ideologies and social malaise today. It’s a symbolic issue that reveals the house of cards of values and premises holding up differing ideologies. Almost nobody is free to avoid it.

It’s been a good thing that now I can hold conversations with different people about why LGBTQ acceptance is going down and why I as a lesbian am actually relieved, because the movement no longer represents me. We’re experiencing a “lesbian renaissance” right now with gay women’s culture becoming more mainstream, and I believe that in a short amount of time, the tide will be turning with gay people starting to reform the movement.

In unwelcoming friend groups, I just 💩 drop some little fun facts. Did you know trans activists terrorized a gay conference with insects? How childish! Did you know the UN is asking the Olympic committee to implement chromosomal testing after running research on women’s rights? Imagine disagreeing with the UN on women’s and girl’s rights! 890 medals were taken away from females in women’s sports, I wonder how many were taken from men’s sports? Why doesn’t it ever happen the other way around? Have you seen that another pedo has changed his gender to female to go to women’s prisons? Why are corporations stopping rainbow capitalism? Why is it a crime for someone to make female only spaces? Funny how transgender surgery is actually a really capitalist thing! Only rich countries can afford it, and even so, the NHS can’t even afford many vital surgeries. And yet I see many trans women are anarchists so why would they be so eager to request public institutions to subsidize them? I’ve noticed that a lot of trans people have autism and sexual trauma. I wonder if these things could be addressed before they take meds that could worsen their condition. Damn, such funny things are going on!

I lost lifelong friends due to refusing to hide my gender critical views.

The same friends forgave another woman in the group when she told us to our faces we were too “worldly” for her and she couldn’t be our friends because of her Christian beliefs… then changed her mind.

I don’t need a bunch of sycophants just pretending to have a moral code, thanks. I don’t miss them.

Also… not a soul asked Miss Christian about her beliefs about trans people when this fracas was going down. I doubt they would have liked her answer.

Just respond, "I'm sure some people would think I was a TERF, just sayin'. But that wouldn't change my mind about this stuff."

It really shows how successful the invention of the term TERF and the propaganda against anyone deemed to be one are. You don't see this level of vitriol and absolute horror with fucking Nazis for God's sake.

I mean the bar to be a TERF is so low… like I would ask them to define what being a TERF even is to them. Some people say that being against mastectomies on 15 year old makes you a TERF… it’s a word that’s lost all meaning

2 days a week i wear a shirt that says TERF ...i know what a woman is.

I have yet to run into anyone who knows that word.

My friend asked me and I explained that a TERF is a slur for people that know that a woman is an adult human female, and not just a feeling or costume to put on.

My heart goes out to everyone of you that have lost friends over this. Its so ridiculous.

This is an absolutely natshit crazy world we are living in

Chicks before dicks. I get it, it's not easy, I really do, I just wish that women weren't willing to toss away friendships over men, especially when it's only an opinion on a certain group of men, maybe they don't know even one who's trans-identifying.

We should prioritize each other.

Usually these people equate TERFs with like, 30 different completely random (and often contradictory) things that have 0% to do with our “beliefs” and radical feminism in general. They don’t have the critical thinking skills to realize that radical feminism is, in fact, quite a liberal and (actually) progressive world view.

So usually I’ll just say everything I think, without holding back except maybe in carefully framing things a certain way for certain people (without sacrificing the core ideas), and I have yet to be clocked as a TERF. They just think at worst that I’m more conservative than I used to be, which is preposterous but even if true, isn’t fundamentally an evil thing.

The only ones that have clocked me as TERFy and randos online. But in real life I make it a point to avoid fundamentalist ideologues of all flavors.

My friends are mostly aligned with my views but there are a couple who are horrified if I say even the mildest GC thing. One has a TIM son which definitely contributes. My mum and sister are close to peaking from speaking to me but they still have the idea of there being genuine trans people that are separate from the AGPs. We have a TIM family member and I think they just want to think the best of him. We can agree to disagree without it being an issue.

I think you have to weigh up what’s worth the most to you. How much do the friendships mean compared to how much of a strain it puts on you to have to self-censor so much. Your friends don’t appear to feel the need to self-censor so it’s pretty shit of them to expect you to have to. You might feel ok to continue the friendships if it’s a topic that comes up once in a blue moon but it might be harder if it comes up more regularly.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I second the idea of asking your friends to define TERF. And focus on specific issues, like men in women’s prisons (not just in the prisons but in the cells with female cell mates) and the homophobia of bans on “genital preferences” or whatever issues you think they would actually be most likely to agree with

You might not be cutting them off. They may be cutting you off.

Presuming the love you have for them is mutual, do you think that they would cut you off or walk out of your life if they knew you were a TERF? I assume they've expressed TRA-type opinions to you and yet you still remain committed to the friendship, would they not afford you the same goodwill?

They also seem like people hung up on labels. So you could continue to express your GC thoughts while insisting you're not a TERF and I think they would be fine as long as you didn't identify with that label.

This probably won't help but my oldest friend instantly dropped a decades long friendship the moment she found out my daughter is trans and we don't affirm. She didn't even ask a single follow up question. Just said, "Your relationship would probably be better if you accepted him." I said "I'm sure you're right." And she hasn't spoken to me since. And I knew ahead of time it was going to be like that. I hid it from her for a few years because I knew she was so rigid, so close minded, that it would be relationship ruining. So maybe trust your instincts on this.

If nothing else say you’re an environmentalist and hormones/surgeries, along with the medical waste they produce ie boxes of used needles, doesn’t sit right with you.

I feel exactly the same way. You deserve to keep these relationships, regardless of society’s current mania. I’m reminded of the classic “when keeping it real goes wrong” skits from Chappell show. strategically omitting or letting people assume you’re a Good German is better than isolating or hurting your mental health.

Wow! Are you me? I’m in the same situation.

Those friends aren't worth it tbh. If you can't be yourself with them, then what is the point? You might have been to lots of events together (idk if weddings, birthdays and proms are that important tbh) but if they knew your true colors, how would they react? I'd say the reason you can't tell them you're a "TERF" is because you might lose your job and safety if you do so. Because once they know you're a "TERF" it's over for you. At least if they're militant against TERFs, you could get a very bad deal out of it all. Best not to ruffle their feathers until you're in a safe space to do so. If you think a friend of yours will react negatively to you saying your thoughts on the trans matter, then you're better off without that friend.

The only people I'm open about with my terf beliefs is my mom and dad. They also totally accept me being a bisexual woman (febfem). I have many facebook acquaintances who I could never be open with about me being a terf both female and male. Because they've openly support trans or people like lia thomas.

Just give these people time, peaking is slow but once it starts it does not stop. It's a good sign that they're not immediately exploding at you for your views.

I was standing by my daughter at my younger grandson's football game. She was speaking to another mother about her two biological boys (one of whom thinks he's female) and she referenced her other child as "my daughter"...as naturally as I would have spoken about her when she was younger. I couldn't say a word. I can't talk to her about it because I don't want to upset the applecart and lose contact with her. But she has swallowed this ideological shiite Hook, Line and Sinker. And I'm like you....I have a cupboard full of my own beliefs that I stand with my back to the door to stop it from all spilling out.

My girlfriend's relationship with her brother is rather strained for similar reasons.

He always had woke tendencies and after moving to Europe and becoming very depressed and lonely it only intensified this. They were best friends before he moved a continent away and the distance was only the first tear in their relationship. That was many years ago. Back then, when he thought he would never find any friends or a girlfriend (even though there was more than one person looking out for him) he was so desperate, as one of those guys who measure their value as a person by having or not having a girlfriend, that when asked by her, he told my girlfriend he would even date a TIM. That was an obvious red flag.

Nowadays he's extra woke and TRA, just like his recent wife. They defend the weirdest things and he even said that if his hypothetical kid (they do intend to have kids) came out as trans he would give full and complete support. This is even more ironic considering he knows my girlfriend's history growing up as a butch lesbian who had a hard time coming to terms with being a woman in a world (and family) that forced a single way of womanhood on her. She has told him that at a certain time in her life if her parents were the kind to be supportive of transing children they would totally have done that to her for not liking traditional girls clothes and toys. Well, people can't see what they don't wanna see...

At the moment she hasn't yet laid on the table everything she feels and thinks about the trans issues, but one thing's for sure: once she does, the little spec of relationship left between them is gonna break apart. Specially knowing he's the kind of guy who thinks his happiness matters above everyone elses to the point of feeling the right to mistreat and throw away any person/relationship that is "not fit" on his eyes.