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DerpinaApril 30, 2024

Okay so, i'm not crazy. Really.

My son is my mini-me. He has my eye, hair and skin color. He is polite, empathatic, creative, friendly and helpful. We recently had a talk in his daycare about his developement and the way he was described was me to a T, with one difference: his social abilities are way better than mine was at this age. A psychologist also recently said that if all boys were like him, we'd have way less problems in the world.

But he is also shy, cant properly stand up for himself, is quickly overwhelmed, cries easily, very sensitive in many ways and guess what: thats also me. I struggle/-d a lot with people, communication, rules (in terms of others breaking them or me being forced to break them), things not going as planned, textures, noises, speech, my emotions overwhelm me, i'm always wiggling and when nervous bit my nails and still pick my skin.

Oh, and i'm diagnosed autistic btw. Something that the professionals dont see in my son in their one hour of testing.

But I do. I see it in his struggle with the noises of the hair dryer, the vacuum and the mixer. I gave him an improvised stimming tool when he was 4 to stop him picking his skin and nails (and ripping wall paper at one point. Which i did too.) and it is still working. I saw it when he walked away from his loud and rowdy birthday party to play on his own in silence with the new gifts and was glad when the wild kids were picked up. I see it in his utter shock when he sees trash on the ground that wasnt properly thrown away or people crossing the street on a red light. Hear it in his confusion when he talks about someone who mistreats him but is still a "friend" or his random interest to learn a second language - we're not a bilingual family nor in any way communicating in anything but our one language. He's clumsy, forgetful, cant handle criticism, runs with flappy arms, demands perfection from himself and needs his routine like a flower needs water.

This was and still is me. And if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, chances are very high it is in fact a duck. Or as in my case, autism. Because I figured it out myself and had me tested. I saw the pattern, I made the connection and I was proved right. And now I do it again and people tell me i'm wrong?!

I dont want an autistic child. I want the proper tools to help my child to live a good life in this world, a better life than I've had. But you cant put a bandaid on a broken bone and call it help. Nor put a bandaid on some pain without investigating where the pain comes from.

And also I feel horrible myself. Because I gave this issue to my son. And he experiences the pressure of two mental ill parents while struggling on his own! Oh and we are not sure if we want a second kid one day! What if that kid is also autistic or somehow ND? Should we start an ND family vlog?? Am I just over reacting?? What if my autistic pattern recognition ks wrong here??

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