I'm a lesbian in my 30s, look like one, I have a slightly alternative "masculine" look that I've had for over a decade. Its nothing nuts, I'd look boring at a tattoo/piercing convention, lol. 10 years ago it would have meant nothing except exactly what it says on the tin, I'm probably gay and probably into some subcultural stuff, thats all. I know how to modify it for casual, formal, job interviews, visiting family etc. so even though I stick out a bit, i'm still definitely appropriate for public view.

I moved to a major city a few years back, big culture shock for me, a country girl, lol, but appreciated that I wasn't the black sheep anymore, and my style was a non issue. At first the gender crew was not really a problem, but over the past years it has escalated badly, now I am they'd not only by default but also even when I state explicitly otherwise.

I have had a coworker get into a fight with his wife over my pronouns, when I work with the public Ive had people correct themselves over and over, people they me to my female partner's face even when she calls me wife/girlfriend, I get asked nervously for my pronouns all the time. Its disorienting and I dont know how to shut it down when it is so pervasive, I dont know what to say to strangers, especially on the fly when I'm not expecting it.

I have worked with several TIFs, one at my workplace now stopped they-ing me after she asked me directly about m'pronouns. The other who has known me for longer theys me behind my back to other people. I've inadvertently caught her doing it, also she has done it a handful of times in front of me (i.e. on the phone). I would just let her look nuts to people who know better but the other day I walked in on a young male coworker, who Ive worked with for 3 years who knows I am not trans, they-ing me to another coworker.

Realistically is there anything I can do? I don't like to say I have pronouns, I hate endorsing the whole mandatory gender declaration shit. I feel like my relationship with gender norms is private unless Im talking politically with other women, I resent that I have to make a statement of my """identity""" when I dont have one. Since I work with/am around so many trans people I get worried about proactively correcting them, I have had people get aggressive or suspicious when I say Im a woman. Alot of the situations I find myself in are when people just decide they need to delete any references to me being female, no matter what I say about it, even if I say "she/her" I get "they". I suspect some people dont believe me, or they think Im a closet case, or they can't reconcile having to they people who look like me but not ME, so they err on the side that they think is least likely to offend lol (i AM offended).

Honestly I've been trying to just wait it out but it keeps getting worse!!! I let a lot of it slide because on one hand I dont need my ~identity validated~ and what do you do when somebody theys you to HER DOG for example............. but it is sexist and homophobic, Im tired of putting up with it.

(I work at a small company with no HR before anyone suggests it, same with the small orgs I am a part of, there's nobody to appeal to.)

EDIT: was thinking at lunch, I do correct fellow non begendered gay people, because I want them to know there are others out there still. its really sad to see how many women are scared of me, I try to reassure when I can (it's good, you got it right the first time, i'm a she don't worry, etc.) but theres not always an opportunity. I never know if someone will turn on me because of what I said, or if they have a gender and will get defensive. Sometimes younger TIFs doing a nonbinary thing, or lesbians transitioning, will refer to me that way almost hopefully, it feels really depressing whenever I hear it. I dont like to shut them down necessarily because i think its healthy for them to relate to someone who ISN'T doing the trans thing, but it means I have to put up with their categorization of me, which is honestly offensive.