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Need Advice or SupportI feel I becoming isolated from my own community.
I feel I have suffered a lot for the cause of advancing women's rights.
I have been fired. I have been doxxed. My family has been threatened. I get about 5-10 direct death threats per week. I have been threatened with expulsion from my degree. I currently cannot strike a committee for my thesis because no one wants to work with me. I have not been able to secure a paid student position at my university because they do not want to hire me, so I have no income.
I have tried to be a platform for any and all issues women have. I have used any platforms I have to fight against the erasure of women and our rights. Why? Because that is what I truly believe.
But this week has made me exhausted and I feel I need to vent. I want to note that these are not the first times things like this have happened, but these two incidents were back to back and so it got me thinking about things.
Earlier this week, I posted some selfies I took of myself in a bathing suit on my Twitter. My first bathing suit! I was so excited.
For context, I am a formerly morbidly obese person, I lost 155lbs and had to have 6 reconstructive surgeries to repair the damage my body had undergone during my eating disorder. I also have BDD, and it is very rare that I feel truly GOOD about myself and my body. On top of all of that, I recently found out I was the victim of revenge porn, and so feeling good about my body and putting myself out there was a way to sort of reclaim my own space.
But after posting it, some 'radfems' began chiming in, messaging me and replying telling me I was discrediting myself by showing my body. They said I was stupid for 'giving in' to the 'male gaze' and that I needed to stop posting pictures of myself as it was inappropriate. One radfem suggested that if a man saw the pictures and did something inappropriate with them, it would be my fault. My fault! As if men are not responsible for their own behaviour, and a woman is responsible for the male gaze.
It really hurt me. I don't know why, but I almost broke down over it. I felt totally throttled by my own community.
I get so much hate and so many death threats from TRAs, but it felt very different to be slammed by 'my own' if that makes sense.
I deleted the selfies. But after a few hours of talking to friends and getting support, I reposted them and said to myself "fuck it, I want to do what I want to do and I am not going to be told I am a bad feminist because I happen to look good in a bathing suit."
I tried to put it all behind me. But that was a day or so ago. And today, I was throttled yet again.
All day I have been working with a very prominent bluecheck journalist, doing free labour gathering research on a reddit-related issue regarding the damage done by trans mods to the Detrans circle and the former GC circles. I happily did it because I just want the info out there.
Afterwards, I put up a quick breakdown (wrote it on medium as it all would not fit on twitter, of course) on a misogynist fetish reddit run by a transwoman. In my Twitter post, I called the person running the reddit ("AutumnGoddess81") a 'transwoman,' as that is what they are. They are a trans identified male who has undergone full SRS. They are also a horrible misogynist who gets off on the abuse of women.
In response, a few feminists decided to slam me for using the term 'transwoman' to refer to this person. They effectively told me I was not a good activist/not supporting women's issues simply because I called a spade a spade.
Apparently, they would rather see me banned from twitter (again!) for calling Autumn a 'male' than use the term 'transwoman,' which I did not know was suddenly now an issue in the RadFem community. I had previously seen RadFems telling us to 'mind the gap' in 'transgender,' and I always have as I understand the logic. But I have never seen a RadFem saying that using the term, especially on high-ban platforms like twitter, was outright offensive.
I later made a post stating that I had no issue using anyone's pronouns (save the stupid ones) so long as we are in a mutually respectful exchange, I do not see any reason to overtly disrespect someone just to make a point. Again, I had radfems telling me I was wrong, that I was gaslighting women, and that I had 'lost the plot.'
So I will be honest -- I don't know what this plot is anymore!
I had THOUGHT the plot was "recognise women's unique sex based oppression. Fight to ensure women's rights and spaces are protected. Stop the transitioning of children and people who are mentally vulnerable."
If that isn't what the 'plot' is, I don't know what it is meant to be. And I am becoming exhausted with the constant policing. Especially because I see it seems to be exclusive to women-on-women.
After all of this happened, I had a few fellow feminists message me with tales of similar experiences. I will not share their names as I do not have their consent to do that, but one woman said she had been "reduced to tears" over the abuse she had received from her own community after calling a prominent trans journalist (one who supports women's rights to single sex spaces) a 'she.'
Chris Elston wasn't policed like this, now was he? RadFems on Twitter were praising him up and down, ignoring his history and his hatred of feminism to heap praise upon him.
But me, who has literally watched her entire life crumble between her fingers for this shit, is suddenly useless because she looks good in a bathing suit? Other women are being dismissed and devalued because they respected someone's pronouns as a courtesy to them? Please.
I am tired. I do not know what it will take for RadFems to stop attacking each other but something has got to give because it is unproductive and rooted in misogyny.
I'm disturbed by the disembodiment that is promoted by this tech push. The tech can and should be used to fascilitate our needs, but it should never replace local communities that take time away from screens to see each other face to face. I think that's vital for our mental health.
YES! Actual bowling with real people is fun. "bowling" in a simulation is boring as all fuck. I don't care how colorful it is, or that you can be Batman instead of you! That isn't progress, that is stupidity.
There will be a resurgence in using hands…Making things, cooking, building, repairing, painting, knitting, playing basketball in the driveway, going for a run, taking a walk, all these things are antidotes to too much tech.
We can’t all be Picasso, but we can try, and when we get frustrated, we can go muck about in boats. There is nothing quite as nice.
I really, really hope so. I think this idea that we all have to be brilliant, or instantly good at something is a really toxic idea in society. Failure and mucking up are good things! Life is boring when everything is easy, or we are all the same.
Failure is important. It may deter a few, who are not instantly good, but the majority will be so pleased with their first attempts they will try again, and gradually realize they are getting better. It’s how we all learn.
I do magic effects and it is so fun actually learning how to do the magic. I am not very good, and just show stuff to friends...but actually learning how to do something cool, and making people laugh is so rewarding.
Dystopian indeed. I did hope that with the pandemic and lots of people being forced to be online what felt like 24/7 for work, school and social life, that there might be a return to IRL afterwards. Idk, what I saw, remote working has been great for people's wallets and spending more time at home with family, but absolutely terrible for their mental health if they were very sociable BC (Before Covid) or even if they were quite unsociable BC (now they resemble shut-ins). Remote schooling has been fairly unilaterally terrible for every age group that I've observed. What a surprise, I guess, that humans are social animals.
But sadly we seem to be swinging still further that way before we swing back. Personally I am pushing everyone I know outside! Go for a walk! Look at the sky! Smell the earth! Talk to physical humans! Go to IRL galleries/activities/whatever but not in your bedroom! (Can you tell I hated being locked down?)
i actually know quite a few people that had a miserable time working at home. It is hard to work at home when you have children and pets and you can't seperate work from home. Do you hear their stories in the news? Of course not! They ahve the wrong opinion according to the media. The right opinion is everyone hates work, going to school, shopping and going outside...welcome to the new normal! And then they wonder why people are misinformed and are prone to conspirical thinking. Most people were happy that schools went back offline, and people are out there going outside. I went on a walk yesterday and a thunderstorm started. It was so beautiful seeing the lightening streak across the sky and feeling light rain on my face! This idea that VR is totally awesome, and the real world sucks is nothing but a sick nerds fantasy.
I used to be a nerd too...now I am starting to become an anti nerd:/
It goes along with being extremely risk averse in the short term. No skating rinks because you might fall. Children can't play outside because they might run into trouble. Never mind the negative health effects in the long term.
Oh it is really ridiculouss in rinks. They now have walkers for kids to skate on, and if a kid does fall they scream bloody murder. When I was a kid, you fell, you got up and skated on. How the hell did we go from that to we have to wrap kids in bubble wrap in such a short time?
Good god. I grew up roller skating and busted my ass more times than I remember. I also had several spectacular wipeouts involving loss of skin, on a skateboard back in the 70s.
AND I LIVED TO TELL THE TALE! Man I hate helicopter parenting and that whole mindset.
My daughter was moaning about my grandson (age 8) wanting to go outside to play in the snow a couple of weeks ago. I was like, "??? so let him go play in the snow, for fuckssake!" It's not like it was 30 below outside, it was a chilly 20 degrees or so (F) but that's hardly danger zone for actively playing.
I just do not get the "everything is dangerous so we can't do anything" way of thinking. Gah.
I wish I could upvote this a billion times. I used to skin my knee playing and riding my bike and my very Mormon parents encouraged this. One of the very, very few things I really appreciated about my old religion is they encouraged physical activity for both boys and girls and understood that getting hurt sometimes is just part of life.
Most Helicopter parents are absolutey miserable and make parenting miserable.
I agree with all of that, and I feel sad that so many kids will not know those pleasures when they're growing up. They ought to be an integral part of childhood. I won't have a smart device in the house. They're impossible to repair when they break down, and they break down all the time.
The happiest kids I know are the ones that have good parents that limit their screen time and don't let them have ipads or smartphones. One of my nieces had this former friend that literally couldn't do anything without her phone, and actually had to use Google maps to walk around the neighborhood, because she had no sense of direction. Kids are supposed to be adventurous and curious!
Cottagecore sounds like some annoying fad people will go through, trendy bs that won't really change anything once its followers find something else to latch on to fill the void. Anyway some people have always lived simply and not directly linked to the high amount of technology being pushed today. Except they're not on social media selling their narrative ... I think sometimes we forget there's a big wide world outside of the internet.
https://wwoof.net/ I have actually known a few people that worked on these farms for various reasons(wanting to new experiences, finding farm work interesting) and I can't really see any of them as really cottagecore. They dressed normal, and didn't advertise wht they were doing. Now, there is nothing wrong with liking fashion and dressing nice...I kind of wonder this type of fad is more of a reaction to how a lot of modern clothes are just kind of boring.
I've always wanted to go Wwoofing! I didn't even know what cottagecore was until someone mentioned it on this site. I have a feeling a lot of cottagecore clothing items (particularly for women) wouldn't be adequate out there in the blazing sun as you do intense physical labor on the farm.
I think it is, it feels like it's still about consumerism - just buying more "sustainable" (I question how sustainable) and "natural" (ditto) things. I may be wrong, but it seems to me very much about image and seriously how back to nature and simplicity are you really if you're curating everything for youtube/instagram?
Ugh I have a lot of thoughts about cottagecore, it keeps getting pushed my way I guess because I've been dressing that way since ca 2002 and I enjoy making things with my hands... but I enjoy doing things myself, not watching other people do them. My grandmother trained me too well, lol, I am physically incapable of sitting still doing nothing.
Most people that are into zero waste reduce their buying by a lot. One of my friends literally makes most things by hand; and when she buys say meat at the store she brings a glass container and has them put the meat in there instead of wrapping it up. She is also very, very much a luddite and hates electronics as well.
I feel the same about watching vs doing. I love making things by hand and wish I was better at it. The only time I like watching is if it is something I don't know how to do at all like blacksmithing or glassblowing.
All about image 100%! Yep, I recall going thrifting for prairie style dresses from the late 70s early 80s during my college years, circa 2006ish. My family would even laugh at the dresses I found as we come from a Mexican state with a large Mennonite community so they'd call me Mennonita. I am very thankful I did not grow up in the age of TikTok/Insta/social media, everything just seems so vapid and fake. An illusion...
OMG. I don't watch sports and had no idea those STUPID Uber Eats commercials came from the super bowl.
I FUCKING HATE THEM!!!! Stupid, stupid, stupid! OMG.
I noticed on FB a few days ago, there was a promoted post for a food dish that was ridiculously simple (breakfast pizza) and 99% of the comments on it were "where can I find the recipe?" I was like, "uh, use your fucking brain, you numbskulls. It's NOT THAT DIFFICULT."
It's like if it's not written out for people, step by step, they have no idea how to do it, whatever it is. ZERO critical thinking skills, because tech has been thinking for them all of their lives.
It's frightening.
We are going to be sooooo boring in the future:/
I saw an ad on faceook for one of those meal suscriptons where there was no cooking: just put the food in the oven. And the ad had a quote from someone saying "I want good food, but am too lazy to cook" It actually pissed me off. I love cooking. I love everything from measuring ingredients, to cutting vegetables to actually cooking the food.
Using your brain is also a wonderful thing....i love making my own breakfast burritos just using my head.
Or use some creativity... breakfast pizza? How about eggs.. saussage. Tomato.. bacon.. mushroom.. salt and pepper. Cheese of course.
People these days need everything done for them, they can't do anything without being shown a step by step guide, and even then, they have no idea how to follow a simple guide: Ikea
Ikeas furniture is seriously easy to put together. Literally follow the pictures
They are pushing hard for us not living in our phisical bodies. If you have a young child seriously limit screen time and make sure they do phisical and real social activities.
I used to get in arguments on quora with these real weird guys that acted like our human bodies are horribly made and being human sucks. Sure our bodies aren't perfect, but it is amazing what we can do! One reason I love watching (and playing although I suck) sports is watching what people can do. Same goes with dance. I have nieces, nephews and young, when they visit they aren't allowed any screen time at all. We play board games, go to the park, go hiking, ecr.
But even with "our bodies aren't perfect," what about them isn't how they're supposed to be? Just this idea that those men have about what "enhancements" they'd have nature make either would not physically work, or would come with an even greater form of payment/suffering. Men think they can improve upon nature with their "fantastic ideas," until they're implemented and we have to reap the consequences. Like the industrial revolution, like modern animal/agricultural practices, modern medicine itself even... We pay for all of that, though it might give us temporary joy, it is also what's killing us, largely through climate change but other things as well. I don't trust when men think they can "improve" on nature, I really don't.
You know what is really interesting to me. You would think transhumanists and others simular would be people with disabilities or illnesses that prevent the from living a good life. But nah, as far as I can see transhumanists are basically Icarus. Completely able bodied people(usually men) that are extremely ungratful and unsatisfied. When our bodies work, they actually work pretty damn good. It is only when things start failing that they go south.
Of course they would think this if they live front of a computer screen and don't take care of their bodies. Human bodies require maintenance and proper fuel to function at their best.
Want to know something really depressing. Most of the 70-80 year olds i know are pretty damn active. Sure, they have health problems, but they are out there hiking and taking stained glass and sewing classes. I know a few people much younger then me that can't even go on a mile hike because "they are too tired" Thankfully seeing older people hike 4 miles just fine usually inspires them to keep up!