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I am a volunteer at a Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault shelter. Once of the things I do is act as an SA Victim Advocate as they receive a SANE exam (a "rape kit" exam). This means that I sit by the victim and provide emotional support and education and resources as they receive this exam. I posted about this and some of the comments made me feel sad, as I think the SANE exam gets a bad rap. I'd like to talk more about what can happen after you get raped.
So. You got raped. This never should have happened to you. No matter where you were, what you were wearing, or what you consumed. No matter your past history with abuse, religion, dating, or anything.
I cannot possibly offer you the emotional support you need on this post. Because offering what you need is impossible, I'm going to write about what resources are available to you to help you.
You do not have to avail yourself of all or any of these resources. There are just a few that you're going to hear me "push" a little harder on, because I think they have a very large reward with very low risk of re-victimization, but even those are entirely optional. You can also "break" some of the resources in half, and only partake of them partially.
You weren't in power during the rape, but you are now. You're the one who sets the course for this ship called your recovery, not anyone else. If that feels intimidating, don't worry, you have resources available with women with tons of knowledge and skill to help you. With you at the helm, and us as your trusted advisors, we can sail out of this horrific storm.
When you get raped and get out of the situation enough to be secure, you may or may not call 911.
If you call 911, the police will come. This may or may not make you feel safer in that moment. The police may or may not be dickheads. Typically, the police I see on these calls are nice guys but sometimes say the wrong thing. Like they may bluntly ask "were you drinking" -- to him, he's asking if you were in a weakened state, but to you, it can sound accusatory.
If you call 911 and the police come, you can change your mind. You do not have to continue to help with the investigation. They may or may not leave at that point, but you can.
The police may be able to give you a ride home. They may also stay with you until you get a ride. They may also stay with you until you're safe to drive. They may also drive you to a hospital. Any of these things are your choice, but they may be options that the police can offer you.
Unless you were able to call the police with the rapist still there, they will probably not be able to arrest the rapist at that time. They have to gather evidence instead.
Whether or not you call 911, you get help from a SANE clinic next. SANE stands for "sexual assault nurse exam." A SANE clinic is a place that does SANE exams, but it also does more.
One of the first decisions you need to make is an odd one: whether to pee or not. Peeing gets rid of a lot of evidence. I suggest trying to hold it in (if you can) while you decide whether you want to get a SANE exam for the purposes of prosecuting. If you do want to try to press changes, try to hold your pee in as much as is safe and get over to us ASAP. If you already peed, it happens. :) We can still gather evidence. Sometimes the best evidence isn't even in that area, there's no way of knowing.
If you want to criminally prosecute the rapist, you should get a SANE exam. The SANE exam is like a gynecological exam, without the pap smear. The nurse will collect evidence like semen, pubic hair, and saliva from your body. The nurse will also record bruses, bite marks, and any other wounds to also use as evidence. The nurse can also administer treatment to those wounds.
If you don't want to criminally prosecute the rapist, but you're worried about medical things, the nurse can still give you an exam. A common thing victims want is confirmation that their IUD is still in place. The nurse can take a peek and make sure.
You can ask for a full SANE exam, but not have the evidence released to police. It'll sit safe in a storage facility in case you change your mind.
You can ask for a partial SANE exam. For example, you might want her to peek at the IUD but not want pictures taken of the strangulation marks. Or, maybe you only want to be screened for strangulation and gather any evidence that can be gathered without taking your clothes of. You are the director of what services the SANE nurse provides.
A SANE clinic also offers some resources outside the SANE exam.
And here's the big one (to me). I shouldn't ever try to encourage a victim to do one thing or another -- it is absolutely true that you are at the helm -- but I'm going to falter and do so in this one regard: STD prevention pills. There are medicines that if you take it very soon after exposure to an STD, that it can prevent you from getting that STD. SANE clinics have these drugs and are happy to give them to you, typically for free. If you don't want anything else, it is totally okay to walk into the SANE clinic, say "I was raped, please give me the drugs" and then leave. We will be so happy that you trusted us and that we were able to help you in some small way.
Once you have or have not called 911 and have or have not gotten a SANE exam, take a shower and sleep in. There's nothing more that's effective on the day-of.
The next day, you can call your local DV/SA resource center and ask for resources for therapy. It's very likely that they have free group therapy. It is likely that they also have free individual therapy, but there's also likely a wait list.
Your DV/SA resource center can also connect you to a victim advocate. This is likely a different victim advocate than the one you may have had at the SANE clinic, just because there's more "general" victim advocates than SA victim advocates. She's not a therapist, but you can talk to her about what happened. It may help you process what happened. She may be able to tell you things about trauma that help you. For example, many victims are upset that they don't remember the events well, but that's super normal. We even have a list of things that are "normal trauma reactions" just so you know. You're already stressed enough, no need to add unnecessary stuff on top of that.
From there, you should be connected with the people who can help you on whatever journeys you chose to embark on in your recovery. Connected to the police if you're pushing charges, connected with the nurse for medical concerns, connected to a therapist for psychological concerns, and connected to a victim advocate for anything else that comes up.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. You can heal from this and be okay. It will not happen fast, but it certainly can happen. You can have a team of experts (many of whom are also victims themselves) to help you.
Edit2: In Canada, SANE is called SAEKs. More info: https://www.missinformed.ca/post/everything-you-need-to-know-about-saeks thank you RadicalRamblings!