Hey everyone, still processing this break up, but I am in a better place now thanks to lots of reading on trauma, abuse, fds, and some Dworkin along with journaling, hot baths, reflection/meditation and ofc cuddly cats.

It has been almost a month and I would like to tell y'all a bit of what happened.

I have been chronically homeless since I was 17. Only one year between then and 33 did I experience 'stability.' I had a difficult childhood, which I never ran away from but really laid down damaging pathways in my brain that I still am trying to work on. For a long time I felt worthless, even calling myself human trash at points in my life and self harming. But I never gave up on my sense of self, I always strive to be better.

It is hard to explain what functioning is like when you are in and out of every type of homelessness. I don't really trust anyone not to toss me out like garbage. I have had to eat out of the garbage.

I was with my BF for 7.5 years. He was always abusive but I either excused it or didn't even recognize it was happening. He always had this contempt for me (which I dismissed). I didn't realize how bad it was until the day before my birthday last year. He ended up seriously assaulting me, and I started to realize he could kill me. He did DARVO and told the police I attacked him. But I was destitute in a city I didn't know and I went back. He didn't touch me again the next 4 months we were in this motel.

Soon the distractions from the incident started. He was sexually harassed at work a couple days before he attacked me and that was taken more seriously than him putting his hands on my neck and throwing my with one hand by my arm into a wall. He then accused me twice of cheating on him with a young lesbian I hung out with once. I assured him I am straight and he said he was getting paranoid. He also said 'I hate you sometimes' around this time.

He then tricks me into coming back to FL saying his family was going to build us a tiny house on their farm. I was incredibly skeptical because his mother hated me. He lived part time with his family and part time with mine while he took my car to hang out with his family and work since he could get a better job than me.

Well, after a couple months, he starts lying about the progress of the build and refusing to send pics. He also comes at my throat twice but I stop him by grabbing pepper spray and telling him he won't touch me again and he backs off. The week before the incident, he asked me to 'show' him what it's like when he comes at me. He makes the weirdest face I have ever seen...a pained grimace. He was being very sweet on this particular visit, which was him overcompensating for lying.

Then, the final showdown. I have told him via phone I will not be with someone who puts my life in danger. He comes over obsessed with an influencer called The Dadvocate and won't stfu about her content and even playing the vids while driving (I shut them off). He was doing it to instigate me, obvious in retrospect. But I didn't take the bait and argue.

We are lying in bed watching cartoons and he keeps bringing up the fucking videos. He is wondering why he didn't get a BJ last time. I start talking and he's getting pissed. I break down. I scoot over, lie still, and cover my mouth and close my eyed as he continues playing the video. When it stops, he starts again. He claims I am giving him the silent treatment in my ear, but I just know nothing I say will be right at this point.

Then he comes to aggressively grab me under the guise of a hug. I didn't even have time to think, I just grabbed the pepper spray. Discharged once and I feel him fumbling for the spray. I hit him again. He grabs it, flips me on my back and tries to pry my eyes open. He can't so he busts my lip and sprays me in the mouth. I start screaming MOMMY and he takes my hand with both of his and put my finger in his mouth. I realize he is going to try to bite my finger off so I jerk it as fast as I can, he got the tip and damaged my nerve but I still got it. My mom opens the door at this point and I run out.

I go to the kitchen sink and rinse my face. My eyes have some spray but I can open them and I am aware. After a minute or two, he comes out roaring, eyes squinted shut. This is where it goes from scary to seeing how pathetic he really is.

The first thing he screams is, "you cheated with me on a lesbian, you are a man hating feminist because of that website." He tells that I am a freeloader and a leech. He says he never hurt anyone until me. There were a couple personal claims after that but they were so warped and twisted. My mom asks him how he knows I cheated. He says he smelled it on my breath, my mom asked how he didn't know it was my own lol.

He still can't see at this point. My mom tried to diffuse the situation, she refused to let me call 911 and he had the cell. He suddenly pulls a switchblade on my mom, but it's obvious he's petrified even though nobody has touched him. He is screaming for them to call 911 DO IT DO IT!

Then after a few mins, he gets very weirdly calm. My mom says he can stay the night but I told her to get him the fuck out. He asks my mom to borrow her phone, because he can't find ours. His mommy quickly made the 2 hour drive to pick him up, no questions asked.

After he leaves, I go in my room. He has placed a filthy jockstrap on my pillow. He ripped up "The Body Keeps The Score" and spread it all over my bed, and covered it with the blanket. I found glass but not the phone mixed in. My weed and copy of Francis Bacon's essays was gone. Edit: just saw he cut up the $250 Docs I never wore and was going to sell for insurance this month. Evil mfer.

I'll wrap up the next part quickly. He locked me out of our storage unit so I called his mom and told her what happened. That's when I found out he had been lying about the progress, for at least a month. He didn't mention what happened and acted like everything was fine. She told me I needed help and then refused to coordinate when I could get my belongings. After the call, he told his mom my phone was in my bathroom trash, and she texted that to my mom while apologizing for what her 'beloved son' did to me. I am guessing he may have been cheating, because we shared a phone due to being poor and he was hanging out with people from high school.

Because he locked me out, I went to the hospital to document my injuries. I filed for a temporary order of protection, and it was then granted for an entire year. I got my stuff back the day after the order was approved, and ofc he didn't show up to court. I haven't pressed for DV Assault charges, I want to move on but he's also fucking dangerous. Also, the DV shelter has a freaking TiM as a lawyer, I want to talk about that experience someday, but not right now.

I was very deep in denial about the level and severity of the abuse. It wasn't until I concretely understood what I was worth that I could stand up for myself with more than just words. I wish I had smashed his balls in, but can't change the past. I am taking this all as an opportunity to continue growing, and I am already not heartbroken over him anymore. I am angry I allowed this man in my life, but I also just was blind to some of the warning signs due to childhood abuse, extreme poverty, and female conditioning.

Ovarit isn't my only resource, but I am so thankful. I was attempting 'feminisim' on my own for years until I stumbled across r/GC and it's been such a long and difficult journey. I have hobbies and cats that love me and my mom and her BF and letting me live here cheap. But idk really what is next. I have no money and no job, and I made most of my money in NYC and now I am 1000 miles away in Trump country. My car has over half a million miles on it and public transit is shit here. The DV shelter has offered a little help, but has dropped the ball in many ways. I am anxious about the economy and environment and just hope I can make some friends this year who I don't have to walk on eggshells around...I'd rather continue sitting here alone than pretend twaw or placate men.