A bit of a stream of consciousness rant...

It has been one month and five days since my ex and I broke up. I am not having feelings of my heart breaking anymore (that stopped after a couple weeks), but I still have days where I am very sad about everything. I read, "Why Does He Do That?" twice and I understand now why he had so much contempt and resentment towards me. But it still hurts. I really did want to spend the rest of my life with this man. We used to have long, deep philosophical and historical discussions that I literally don't know how to can have them with anyone else. He always had issues, but I watched him go from trying to understand and support women and work on his abuse to watching manosphere-lite content and throwing everything out the window to convince him I was a burden on his life.

I went to group therapy for the second time this week and I am not going back. I made multiple women cry and a woman run out of the room because I was talking about how upset I am about pornography and how it has effected the men I have dated. I am sick of white women telling me to calm down (I get this a few times a year) and I am sick of moderating my expressions because I make a lot of white women uncomfortable (I am white, btw). I feel so alone, Ovarit is the ONLY place I can talk about these things, and I need care and reassurance irl.

I don't want to love him anymore. I have been in four relationships in my life, including a marriage, and I REALLY loved this man. It isn't him cooking food, thrifting together, or watching movies that I miss. It's being able to discuss the "Breaking Down Collapse" podcast without a hint of denial. It was discussing how language and evolution have effected our species. That I could talk about the state of the world and he wouldn't shut me down. He also was child free like me, and almost every man I have met has or wants kids.

But then I remember the times he publicly humiliated me. Screaming "White Bitch" at me in the hood. Or throwing my keys into a group of men, and my wallet under a car at nighttime, while smugly walking off, all because I had an anxiety attack over a scary man intimidating me on the street. Of course he called an hour later 'Omg so sorry pick me up.' Or when my male friend said he would never tolerate my partner abusing me, yet did nothing but hug me while my ex violently slapped and hit my arm/hand for 'pointing' at him during an argument. Or the times I was crying and he gnashed his teeth, pinned me down on the floor by my neck, angrily going 'CALM DOWN.' He hit, hurt, squeezed, and bit me. I got him to stop saying bitch, but I apparently was still an asshole (because I stand up for myself). I slapped his chest ONCE in the entire 7+ years (about 4 years ago), when he was abusing me, and he acted like I was the worst person in the world. He would criticize other men for hating women but would do the same shit. He actually raped me in the same room as another person, knowing that if I said anything, that person would have killed him.

I do not want to love this man. He is a pretender and spiritually/intellectually weak, hiding behind my strength and knowledge. Doesn't he understand, if you rape and abuse to get the knowledge, you are evil?!? (Don't you realize evil lives in the motherfucking skin?) I guess he wasn't really listening. We had a 7 year age gap (I am older) and he would get angry if I brought it up, he was jealous I had lived a full life before meeting him.

I opened up my home to him because he became homeless after we first started dating, and it absolutely was not his fault. I felt bad for him, but I wish I had never fallen in love with him. Every time things went well, he would drag me back down somehow. I am a driven woman who has had to learn how to stand up for myself, especially because I had been street homeless before I ever met him. I never gave up on my goals and always told him I didn't need him, I wanted him around and in my life. But my body started getting so fed up with his bullshit. In retrospect, I actually COULD tell when he was lying to me about something, even when I stated I didn't understand sarcasm (cause it was him lying and giving me that funny feeling). I'd get this disorienting sensation. Same when he was subtly punishing me. Cruel and coldly just like his disgusting father (yeah, we know why Dad is alone but can't seem to piece together that sadistic streak runs to the son, eh?).

Before I got the restraining order, I asked him to enter batterers intervention. But he ghosted the relationship because his mommy was going to take care of him, it's okay. He pretended he wanted to work on the relationship until it was too hard to be honest. Even though I can accept harsh realities, he pretended like I was the weak one to justify his smallness.

He may be lurking my posts, he used to look up exes to see how the were and lament his treatment of them. He was so sorry to this girl or that girl. But then he still treated me like shit!!!! Well, idgaf, he is a damn coward who has nothing but nice hair, a pretty smile, and a hot body. But that shit, vanity, doesn't fucking mean a thing if you are ugly and CHOOSE the monster inside. He was a parasite on my spirit because he just was more comfortable with lying than truth at the end of the day. He could never, ever break my spirit, and just made me turn to women and their strength that much more. Fuck him for making me sit around for months while he strung me along. I am out here now living it up, making new friends, having new experiences. I preferred NYC, where I blended in, but since he dragged me back here, I am now a very big fish in a small pond. I am meeting people who are paying me money for all the reasons he called me a leech. I have people who are happy to see me after I have been gone for four years, and they haven't even noticed he is no longer in the picture!!!

So fuck you dude. I will heal. The only reason I pray he gets better is so he stops hurting women and his wonderful little sister won't get into an abusive relationship. He didn't love me enough to stop, so I hope him being alone is a wake up call, if he isn't out there trying to manipulate young women with the knowledge he has gained.

Thank you all for letting me rant. I am trying to share some of my experiences and healing process here on Ovarit. I know other women are in relationships with men who claim to support feminism, but I am sure 95% of those men are pathetic liars. I feel like he does have a chance to turn his life around, now that he can't blame me for how his life turned out and he actually has all the intellectual keys, but there is a chance I created a super abuser. That is what scares me the most about all of this.

Finally, I know I post a lot of personal info, but it's because I am publicly into feminism and will soon be selling my art under my irl name and these expressive posts are part of my cycles of releasing this trauma.