So like I just am exhausted. That's it. There's like nothing more to it. I'm eating regular meals, I'm staying hydrated (water and herbal tea), I'm taking vitamins like vitamin D and magnesium, I take walks regularly, I am sleeping okay, not great, but I'm still getting several hours of sleep a night. I do everything fine. I literally have no fucking energy though. I am so tired I have no fucking clue what to do. I'm tired of going to therapy. I'm tired of sitting at a computer looking at my stupid job. I'm just tired. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to try anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. And I'm not suicidal. I don't want to die. I have no plans of doing that. I am literally just extremely tired.

My life is like fucking Groundhog's Day. I sit at my stupid fucking job. I do barely anything. As soon as I actually do anything at my job, literally anything no matter how small, it feels like I go into energy "debt" and then the next day I basically do nothing. Like expending any energy doing anything at work just depletes me completely. And the issue is that I'm starting to actually not give a fuck, and in some ways that's cool and interesting, because I used to be a huge people-pleaser and this is like the opposite of that, but in some ways it feels kind of like I am lacking self-preservation. I used to be an extremely good employee, and now I'm just like I don't give a fuck anymore. It's weird because my coworkers and manager are still being nice to me and assigning me tasks (and while I'm not really doing my work, I'm not being unpleasant towards them, so they don't seem to really suspect much at the moment). I'm honestly at the point of giving no fucks that I'm curious how little work I can do before somebody comments on it. But again that doesn't feel very good, but also again, I feel like I lack self-preservation, so I feel kind of numb to it not feeling good.

My work day is literally just browse social media. I logged on to my work computer today in the morning. And in the evening I finally decided to open one of our software programs to work on a feature, and opening the software is literally as far as I got, and now I'm tired of work and feel done already. I'm a software developer. And people have told me this is called burnout. It feels weird though, because burnout is normally attributed to people working really hard. But ever since like a year ago when I was hospitalized and going through a lot of stressful personal matters, I really haven't been working as hard as I used to. So I don't understand how I can "burnout" when I feel like I am being useless to begin with. So I sit and browse social media all day at work. So I don't do work. Then I go home and do whatever, sit around, more social media. Then I procrastinate going to bed because I don't want to repeat the fucking terrible work day. So I get not so good sleep because I literally refuse to go to bed. I just don't want to wake up to the next morning. And again it's not because I don't want to live, I just am fucking sick of this current state of my life.

I'm too scared to quit. I don't want to lose my healthcare (so proud to be an American lmfao). I don't want to lose my paychecks. I don't want to become dependent on my partner even though I've been with him for over a decade, I have trust issues, and I feel like I can't be dependent on people anymore. Which is probably not great for a social creature but whatever. So here I am in Groundhog's Day.

Find a new job? Go job searching? I have no energy for that either. How am I supposed to find the energy to do any of that intensive shit when opening a program on my work computer drains me for the whole day? I have no energy to practice coding for a coding interview. I have no energy to be cheery at a job interview. I have no energy to submit my resume to a bunch of stupid fucking companies that I also won't give a shit about just like how I don't give a shit about my current company. I don't give a shit about things that that are useless and meaningless to me now, which is probably not a great way to be, since that's going to be most jobs. Again, lack of self-preservation.

Sorry for this rambling. I don't feel like my therapist is helping to be honest. Like I bring up how I hate my job and she gives me suggestions about like quitting and "oh we can plan a schedule or something for when I'm not working." But I just, I don't fucking care, I don't fucking care about that. Talking with her about how much I hate my job is just like meaningless circles. And I know part of that is my own doing. It's my life.

I don't know what I'm expecting from this. I think I mainly just want to write out what I'm feeling and going through right now. Although sometimes I feel like I don't feel anything. I feel like I have cocooned myself in intellectualization to like the nth degree, and I don't think I want to get out. I don't think it matters what anyone tells me. "Nothing" is going to change. I don't feel like I feel much anymore. Well, I guess I just cried for a little, so that's something. I don't have a flat effect, no one knows how I feel, I look and act perfectly normal on the outside. I am friendly and cheerful to my coworkers, strangers, friends, and family. Even if I kind of complain to them about what's going on with my job, it's more light-hearted and meaningless trivial circular shit. Again, Groundhog's Day. My life is Groundhog's Day. My weekends are like my evenings but stretched over two days. And then it loops to the same fucking shit again.

I know I can't depend on others to help me feel better. I know I have to get better myself. I think I'm just writing this as a physical marker that I wrote what I really feel right now and submitting it here so I can remember that I publicly said it, even though it's an anonymous account on the internet, so maybe I'll have a marker that'll help me not feel like it's Groundhog's Day. Or at least a marker that'll tell me somewhat how long I've been feeling like it's been Groundhog's Day.

Am I alone in feeling like this? I feel alone.