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RantEmotional labor 24/7
I find that most of my conversations consist of me going "uh huh.... uh huh.... wow I'm so sorry.... that must be so hard.... oh yeah how is that?....yeah I bet..."
I am often stuck with people who are very long winded. Lately I feel like everyone is just talking AT me and not TO me. And as a result I've sort of lost interest in socializing (No I am not depressed or anxious).
Every time when I ask people questions or am engaged in conversation, I never get an iota of interest or effort reciprocated in the conversation. And I'm kind of just over it and over people in general.
I have a sweet/cute face as a young woman with big eyes and big glasses, and I don't know if it's related to my appearance, but I feel like people come to me all the time to discuss their life issues or tell me every detail of their day without any care for mine. Like I am an unpaid therapist. I work as a nurse so perhaps I can be a bit too soft on people. And I am very put-together and well organized so people must assume that I don't ever need help with anything and that I'd rather not talk about my life. But I keep getting put in these situations with no idea how to get out of it.
Does anyone relate? Is it just me?
YES!!
This is/was me
I’m so glad you are catching on younger. I used to feel flattered and virtuous
Now I see I was taken advantage of and it wasn’t a two way street
Good for you for seeing it. That is the most important step
I found that insisting you be allowed to talk scarea off half of them
"Listen, I hate to do this to you, but I'm gonna have to let you go!" And then walk away and go do something else.
"Hey that's great, we will talk some more later!" And then make a point to be doing something else. And "later" might never come.
Also, observe around you, how it is that others are able to pivot away from a conversation. What kind of phrases do they use, what kinds of things are they doing. Observe that, especially older ladies more than dudes, younger ladies too if what they are doing is working, and see what you can copy that's effective.
Also, I think many people lost some social skills during Pandemic. If they are being a bore, and are not even interested in whether or not YOU are interested in their monologues, then really, they're the ones being rude. But there were bores well pre-Pandemic, also. Some people are just bores.
I’ve found that just mentioning “hey I’m not feeling great, can we save the conversation for later?” is enough to save you for a conversation that pops up out of nowhere that you don’t have the mental strength to deal with. Whether you do continue it or not is up to you—Chances are, the other person will have moved on by then if it was a temporary thing they wanted to complain about anyways.
If it’s from friends or someone you know a bit better, just being honest and telling them that they seem to be relying on you as a stress dump can be worth it. Phrase it however you think best, but just being straightforward gives them the option of either realizing it and stopping themselves, or not caring and continuing. If they keep going after that, then you know you did what you could and that it likely won’t stop, and then just take the steps you need to keep yourself from being their emotional dump.
Alternatively like others said here, if you disagree with them a certain amount of times they could just stop as well, if all they want is someone to agree with them and pity them. Once they hear differing opinions and disagreement they might just go to someone else for sympathy.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I had to remove myself from some friends who used everyone else to constantly just talk at everyone and expect pity and sympathy. Learning to walk away and use boundaries helped me a lot with it, and preventing it in the future though.
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Oh my god, my one brother is constantly talking about himself. I try to avoid him and zone out/grey rock
I like what you said about being expected to be an "eternal listener" bc that is exactly what it's like.
Thanks, this is exactly my experience too. And yeah, I suspect that if I was male this would not happen nearly as much.
People really will talk about themselves uninterrupted for hours if you let them. It is so self absorbed. I habe this with one of my friends, I have to strategically change the subject or she will unload every detail of her life onto me as if I am her therapist.
and one says a BIG CHUNK ABOUT THEMSELVES, then the other person throws out a SOLID CHUNK ABOUT THEMSELVES, and what they say is related to what the other person says, but there's no "weaving together" if you know what I mean, my tangent leads to your tangent which leads to another of mine.
I know what you mean!
I highly recommend the book Artful Dodging
I read this at 18 and still reference it 22 years later.
Amazing, thank you so much