I didn't leave my ex over politics or feminism, but it included different ideas about how we interacted and what we wanted out of the marriage.

In large part, I left because he failed me, and he didn't respect my autonomy and personhood enough to accept that I always could leave.

From the beginning of our relationship, I always said I would hit the exit button if things didn't work for me. He never accepted that. Once we were married he thought it meant we COULD NOT break up. So he would never leave despite how much it might not be working for him.

He decided he wanted kids and I was always adamant I didn't. When it came up again that I said "no" loudly enough for him to hear, he said it should have been a decision we made together! This pattern of not believing/accepting me when I said something that he disagreed with was so frequent... Like microaggressions, small but often. It wasn't usually on obvious factual things, but more on feminist things, and on my own thoughts for myself.

He made me the solution to his problems. He would always say "I'll do it" and didn't. I had to do things for them to get done.

He didn't take care of his health. He didn't go to the gym or the doctor or the dentist. He complained about his body but wouldn't fix anything, he just wanted me to emotionally fix it for him. He developed a drinking problem and didn't care to fix it.

The very last straw was when he drank half a handle of vodka the night before we were to leave on a trip that was supposed to be MY trip that he wheedled himself into...that was his 40th birthday. I saw my future in front of me and I wanted no more part of it. I deserved better than that. I deserved someone who wouldn't drink themselves to death. I deserved an equal partner in our relationship and home. I deserved someone who would take care of themselves because they wanted a long future with me. I deserved someone who accepted my ideas for myself. So I left.

How the hell I found my Nigel now, I do not know. When we started dating I was still going through my divorce, so he KNEW I would walk away. I was in IDGAF mode and was very blunt about what I would or would not accept. I called him out on bullshit that wasn't acceptable. I told him when he needed to step up, and he always has. It took quite a few years before I felt comfortable with the idea of getting married (I certainly didn't want to when we started dating). But through communication and both putting in the work, and continued negotiation of what we need, I am happy and satisfied. I hope to hell it stays this way, and I will try. It doesn't mean we don't have bumps, but it means being committed to each other FIRST. If it ends up failing, I will leave, and knowing that I will do that, and have structured our assets (including a prenup) to allow that is comforting. I am here because I want to be here, and he is here because he wants to be here.

Edit: I remember when my Nigel and I went grocery shopping when we first started dating. I was nervous the whole time, and I didn't even realize it. I wanted a particular food item and I asked him if it was okay, afraid he would say no. My ex would argue with me over the type of cracker we would buy... A $4 box. My Nigel said something like "why are you asking me? You want it, you get it" and it was a lightbulb moment. I was so fucking cowed by my ex's microaggressions and I hadn't even realized most of it.

Mr Patience can never understand my lived experience and during the busy years of our lives he wasn't as receptive to considering it. He did read "Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack" (link at the end) in our early years. Because I asked him to. It took a while for him to really take it in but he didn't blow me off.

Mr Patience has had a ringside seat to how my professional experiences differed from his own as we were both small business owners in a traditional male field. He was often shocked when he saw blatant discrimination and misogyny directed at me by male business owners and customers and yet still could not (or would not) necessarily see or hear me when I spoke of what I now know to be my radical feminist views.

I have found him frustrating and obstinate, willfully ignorant at times over the years. And I have wanted to leave. Felt alone and unheard.

I stayed because in the balance ledger, hand written in columns of for and against, the good heavily outweighed the bad.

Now we are older and he is reading "Emotional Labor, the Metafilter Thread Condensed". (Link at the end). Because I asked him to. I expect it will take him a while to really make progress with it in how he relates to me but already he is seeing and hearing me more clearly. He is even bringing it up, seeing it and saying so. Trying to do his share.

This to me is as good as it gets. It does not mean I would never leave Mr Patience. It means we have negotiated deals that work for us and he is honoring them to the best of his ability - while continuing to work to better his ability and I will not leave him so long as he does so.

That is my deal. Being my partner means pulling your share of the load over time. I expect Mr Patience to continue to strive and work and keep doing better - exactly as I expect of myself.

We actually negotiated our terms before we married and I drive a hard bargain. The biggest non-negotiable was and is that I will do what he asks and he agreed to do what I ask. Cheerfully and with real effort. It has been necessary to remind Mr Patience of this sometimes over the years and never back down on it but that is just how it is dealing with men. He has stepped up and pulled his share with goodwill if not always enthusiasm when reminded and keeps doing better. I am inclined to be a little generous as I am certainly not perfect myself and have needed reminded occasionally too.

Marriage is about teamwork in the end. Staying with it pays huge rewards provided both are good teammates. Feelings alone do not make for sound decisions I think. Love for me is how we behave and treat each other. A thing we can choose to build together, rather than something we fall into like a mud puddle.

Have you defined the terms clearly for your relationship? What does your balance ledger look like? Can you discuss these with your Nigel and have a positive outcome?

I read the advice column you shared. It was really interesting, something to think on, thank you! I may give it to Mr. Patience to read at some point and ask what he thinks.

Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

https://www.nationalseedproject.org/key-seed-texts/white-privilege-unpacking-the-invisible-knapsack

Emotional labor, the Metafilter Thread Condensed. Tuff_Terfies shared this in the Book Club thread for "Why does he do that" which I may read with Mr Patience next, I think it will help him verbalize things he has seen and experienced in our shared years. The background it gives on male socialization and behaviors maybe should be required reading for males.

http://www.victorkumar.org/uploads/6/1/5/2/61526489/emotional_labor_-_the_metafilter_thread_condensed-.pdf

Wanting to leave is enough.

If you want to leave and you don't, you will come to have resentment and eventually you will have enough resentment that the resentment itself makes you want to leave and you may even forget the original reason that you wanted to leave but it will still be there unresolved.

If you have begun to examine your life and the man you have chosen to spend your time with is not examining his life or yours, that is a most excellent reason to leave. An unexamined life is not worth living. Once you have examined your own experiences and taken them apart into the pieces that made them happen, you will never assemble it back into the same person you used to be. If you find yourself examining life from a feminist perspective and you are no longer the same, which seems reasonable, you should cut yourself some slack about decisions you made or commitments you took on before you had this understanding.

A man, even the best of them, can never understand the things you are working out and realizing. If you hesitate to leave, what you should consider is whether or not you are willing to spend your time with someone who will not ever be able to understand what you understand. If you can accept that, under what conditions would that be acceptable.

I hope the ancestors are with you on this difficult journey and I will give an advice from me personally...

Sometimes the journey is the destination. Make decisions quickly but always be willing to adjust. We do ourselves a disservice when we don't trust our intuition.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be really difficult. It is completely valid to not have to explain yourself. If he is willing to read some books, (your name here is Dworkin, after all), and he wants to save the marriage, then he needs to do the work/read the books to start. If not, he is not willing to work on the marriage and the decision is made for you.

So I’m behind… can anyone tell me what a Nigel is? I am about to google too but I really thought one poster here had an ex husband named Nigel but now I see you saying “your” so I know I am wrong.. lol.