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QuestionWhat would you do if you saw a crying woman?
I was walking home from my gym, when I heard a loud scream, that cut through my headphones. I was ready to call the police or ask smb else to help, in case there was a man attacking a woman. Anyway, I turned off my podcast and heard some sobbing after the scream and I looked towards the sound and there was a young woman (19-20) crying on the grass in the trees and bushes along the road. There were no other people around, so the scream was from emotional pain, not physical. I walked towards her and asked what was wrong and if she needed any help. She said everything was alright and that she didn't need my help. I asked her if maybe I need to call someone and if I could do anything else for her. She seemed to be in so much emotional pain. Anyway, she turned my help down and I waited for a bit (in case she would change her mind) and then went home. But I couldn't keep listening to my podcast and I feel like I could've said sth different and that I could've helped her. The woman wasn't drunk and the were no liquor bottles next to her. She was just there, sitting on the grass with a backpack lying near and crying incessantly. I wish I could have done something for her. If I'd had some chocolate I would have offered it to her but I didn't. I am still thinking about her. What would you have done?
When I found out my dad died in a freak accident, my knees buckled and I was hysterical. I was staying in a new area and I didn't know anyone. A woman I barely knew, caught me and held me so tightly and I just scream cried to her. A few other women gathered around to console me. I barely knew any of them. I am still so grateful for those women
Just seeing someone, considering them and taking the time to show you care is very valuable. Often that will be the best thing you can do.
When I have come across this once I too didn't have anything on me so I went off to a store close by to get her water and a snack but when I returned she had gone. The other time the girl was crying really hard and breathing hard and not able to hear me. Someone else quickly came up to her and explained she was having a panic attack and calmly soothingly instructed her to just breathe and stayed with her until she was calmer.
I'm taking notes from other's suggestions here. Useful.
You're a hero for asking her if she needs anything, imho.
I probably wouldn't have. I'm socially awkward, so after ascertaining that calling an ambulance is not necessary, I would have ignored her.
You asked, she said she didn't need anything, end of story. You don't have to feel bad about not doing more. She probably just wanted to cry in peace. If her boyfriend broke up with her or her dog died, there's nothing you could have done to "solve" that problem, anyways.
When I've been that woman, I haven't been able to even consider accepting help from anyone because I've been so fucking ashamed of being the woman whose pain is so great that she can't even hold it in till she gets home. Because everyone else apparently is able to hold in their pain and yet I can't, so there must be something really wrong with me, and it's so fucking humiliating that I don't want anyone to see me like that, yet there I am crying in public, doing the very thing that's guaranteed to draw attention to me in that humiliating state.
just want to say the fact that you can feel your feelings just like that is amazing. Not trying to diminish your suffering or admonish you to be grateful or something. I just appreciate the ability to do that just straight away. I have had troubles with the opposite, being dissociated and zombie like so feeling my emotions is something I have had to struggle with.
You're damned if you do and damned if you don't...but I will say that feeling the feelings is much better for your physical health.
you gotta feel your feelings. Emotions are energy in motion, you have to feel them and they they have to flow through you to process them. That's what therapy says anyway.
I don't usually cry in public, but when I was in such strong pain that I couldn't hold it, I was glad someone stopped and talked to me. Because yes, it's embarrassing, but also talking does help.
It’s also nice to be recognized as a human being going through it. That kindness can mean so much in that situation.
I agree...especially later, when I think back on it and remember that some nice stranger lady cared enough to say something. That she felt compassion for me in my pain.
That's why I tend to pretend I don't notice when someone I don't know well is crying. I've grown up with the notion that people don't want to be seen crying, so I feel it is more polite to just ignore it.
(That, and I wouldn't have a clue how to comfort them, anyways. The most I would do is hand them a handkerchief.)
I'm not particularly ashamed of crying in public myself, but I am kinda embarrassed because nine times out of ten, I cry because of a sad movie or similar silly reason - so someone kindly trying to comfort me would make me feel like I'm wasting their time. (If you have a legit reason to be sad, it is fine, imho. My own reaction to extreme emotional pain seems to be to just go numb, though, so when I AM crying, it is mostly stupid reasons.)
I cry because of a sad movie or similar silly reason
But I bet when you cry because of a silly reason you don't scream that loud that the sound cuts through a passerby's headphones.
Eh, I might scream because of things others don't even think are a good reason to cry (the loss of an object might not be considered sufficient reason to scream by most), but I'm not exactly normal. (Plus, in that kind of case, I might appreciate someone to rant at.)
With the woman you saw ... I would guess death of a loved one, or bad breakup. But people vary in their ability to accept comfort from strangers.
If she didn't want help and didn't want to talk about it there was nothing you could've done. You can't force someone to take help if they don't want it.
I've been the woman sobbing on a curb before, and I had some people approach me to ask if I needed help. There was nothing anyone could do for me, I was just emotionally exhausted, but I appreciated that people were willing to help. An older women even stopped her motorbike, to see if I was OK and gave me her contact in case I needed anything. They couldn't do anything for me, so I just thanked them and said I didn't need any help, but it meant a lot.
On another occasion I had another sobbing fest, this time inside a Starbucks, in a different country. No one even looked at me, and it made me feel very lonely, even if once again I would have told people I didn't need help.
You did alright. There was probably nothing else you could have done for her.
Exactly. It’s just a bad situation all around, but I think it’s better to be embarrassed and cared about than embarrassed and ignored.
I think you did a great thing, stopping and checking on her. Sometimes that's all you can do. And accept if they don't want help.
The only thing I can ever think of to do when someone is crying is give them a damp face cloth/paper towel/handkerchief to put over their eyes. It can be soothing.
I think you did a wonderful thing by asking if she was okay, and I don’t know what else I would’ve done - you asked and she declined, you waited to see if she’d change her mind - you did the best you could
I’ve been in this situation and I did almost the exact same thing you did. Likewise, the woman said she was fine and seemed to just want to be alone. As someone who has had more than a few meltdowns in public, it can be really embarrassing and frustrating to be lacking privacy in that moment. But I also think because of how many threats women face, it’s important to at least check in with each other.
Personally I wish crying was a lot more normalized and accepted. It’s one of the healthiest ways to handle your emotions, but it is falsely believed to be intentional and something easily controlled and used to manipulate others. This is a narrative pushed by men who are biologically less able to cry and have a biological response to women’s tears that clearly pisses them off.
As things are now, I think what you did was perfect. And I think it’s reasonable to be thinking about it later because unfortunately due to the male narrative around tears, it’s very rare to see a woman in this situation and can be distressing. You acted compassionately and empathetically while ultimately respecting her dignity and right to privacy.
First I'd ascertain that there was no need to call emergency, then I'd make sure She hadn't abandoned a car nearby and walked to the current spot.
I'd also briefly case the scene for signs of a "honey trap" (in which gang members or other ne'er-do-goods lure straight men into a position of vulnerability using a Woman as bait)—which would be extremely unlikely if She wasn't literally on the shoulder of the road or at most a couple feet from it, but still worth a look.
Having ruled those possibilities out, I would introduce myself by name and ask if She just wanted to talk, or even just needed to share the moment without saying anything.
If She said "no, thanks" or "let me be", I'd give Her my contact info before leaving. Ya never know, might even make a new Friend.
honey trap - that is something I hadn't thought of.
Agree with all this.
Yah, there have been carjackings set up that way. Woman acts all flustered looking under the hood of a car pulled over on the freeway, with male confederates lying low inside the car (below window level) ready to spring on a hapless Samaritan.
I think this has alws been pretty rare in the States TBH, not least because it has to be done in broad daylight (and almost certainly with a decent volume of traffic zipping by, since gangbangers don't post up on country backroads)—prly even more rare these days, with gang activity being increasingly weighted towards immigrant-heavy syndicates like MS-13 which rarely-to-never recruit Women.
Honey traps on the highway are a bigger part of street lore in Colombia, where Women have been luring tourists and locals alike into expresos—kidnappings where the victim is driven around from bank to bank, made to withdraw cash from ATMs at gunpoint, and then let go—for some decades now.
Damn 💀. I must be getting soft where I am. It's not quite We don't even lock out doors, but it's pretty gentle.
I have lived elsewhere where four wheel drives were the norm, strict protocols around lock the doors as soon as you're in the car, windows always up, no stopping until you get to your destination etc to avoid jacking though. Come to think of it people out walking around was dangerous, high rape incidence and other mayhem. I bet there were loads of people in trouble out there and not enough help 😢.. We gotta help each other when we can cuz we don't always get the chance.
I must be getting soft where I am.
Hey, well, some of the criminals are getting a bit soft too... One of the funniest things I've ever seen was security-camera footage of a would-be car thief breaking into a Honda Civic... starting it... stalling it out... starting it again... killing the engine again... lather rinse repeat 2-3 more times until he finally exited the car and skulked off with a hangdog posture and his tail firmly between his legs.
Imagine being a car thief who can't drive a stick shift 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
That's a great point about the honey trap!
Yeah giving contact info seems like a great idea. And yeah, I wish it had popped into my head to ask if she wanted me just to sit next to her.
I'm glad You stopped for Her.❤︎ Just knowing that somebody cared enough to stop could be a difference maker.
I’m timid so I probably would have just hung around for a minute to keep an eye on her. If we did talk the only additional things to do are ask whether anyone is with her to judge whether she may be being trafficked and whether she’s housed to judge if she needs help finding a shelter.
If your mind didn’t go there from the way she looked you should trust your instincts that she was probably safe, just overwhelmed.
I would have sat by, quietly, just so she knew she had somebody there.
I'm in a privileged (I think) position as a retired 66 yo to have the time, patience and empathy to notice and appreciate when somebody needs a kind presence.
Yeah, that's what I am thinking. That maybe yeah, I should've just sat there.
But don't feel bad that you didn't. As I said I have the time and space to do that. Also I'm comfortable asking questions and trying to continue a conversation with somebody who appears in distress.
I just want to be prepared if this happens again. I was caught off guard and didn't even know what to ask her apart from if she needed help and why she was crying. But maybe I should've asked yes/no questions. Like did you break up with your boyfriend? Did you have a massive fight with your parents etc.
Firstly I would have introduced myself....by my first name, and asked hers. Then actually I would talk about the weather, the city, people because when you're emotional & crying yes you do need yes/no questions at first I think. I'd also mention that using her breathing to calm herself was a good tool.
Hey I have a sister who does this sort of technique....with me and others. Plus I'm a mother and a grandmother and sometimes that inbuilt warmth comes in handy.
I feel bad, but I'm not very empathetic. I tend to ignore crying people in public. I wouldn't step in unless they looked like they were in physical danger..
I think you did the right thing to stop and check on her, and you didn’t do anything wrong by walking away when she turned down your help. You even waited a bit. That’s so kind of you.
I’ve turned down help from people before, not because I was ashamed but because the source of my pain was too intense to explain quickly to a stranger. But I appreciated that they tried to help.
You asked her what was wrong, and she didn't offer to explain, despite you waiting patiently, so I don't know what else you could have done. And I agree with others that you're a hero for doing that. When I've been in the helping/observer side of that situation, usually people do offer details, but i think that's always been with people who have some level of acquaintance with already... I suppose one additional thing you could have done was ask explicitly if she wanted you to just sit there with her, even without talking? If it were me, I could see myself accepting an offer like that...
Yeah, the idea to offer just to sit next to her came into my head too late. But I think yeah, she could've accepted it.
I would have done what you did.
See if she needed help. Maybe asked if she needed any money for a train/bus fare. Asked if I could call anyone for her.
Then let her be, I suppose.
I would have done - and have done in the past several times - the same as you.
I've also been the woman crying, and it really does make a difference to know that a stranger cares enough to stop and ask if you're OK.
Everyone is going through their own shit, on their own journey. You offered help. She didn't want it or wasn't able to accept it, but she knew you cared about her. You did a good thing.
Also we can't take responsibility for everyone else's suffering in this world. You did more than many people would have done.
I've also been the woman crying, and it really does make a difference to know that a stranger cares enough to stop and ask if you're OK.
Thank you for saying this! I also hope that at least just the fact that someone cared made her feel at least a tiny bit better.
I promise you it definitely would have done.
I actually think it's good you didn't do anything more. It could have felt intrusive. She might have just wanted to be left alone to cry. She might have wanted privacy. I actually think what you did was perfect because you let her know you had noticed her distress, that you cared, that you were willing to help, and then you left her alone when she indicated that was what she wanted. Good job.
I love it when women look out for each other.
I gave her money
How much? But also she didn't look like she needed money.
Honestly someone just asking her Caringly if she is ok and giving a listening ear would probably have been better but then I kno people have to be cautious because sometimes women are used as plants by criminal men to lure in victims so trust your instincts always
I didn’t have that much cash on me. I think it was twenty dollars but she was very grateful
I think that is an increasing thing these days. Many people don't carry money around with them because they always use a card or paypass. For me it'd be the off time that I even have change on me.
Same thing. Ask if she needs help. Wait nearby to make sure she doesn't collapse or pass out or something.
I would have done the same as you. When I see a woman or girl crying in public I always ask her if she needs help. I would take a closer look at her clothing (stains, blood?) or if she had any visible bruises or injuries. And I usually don't just walk away when a crying woman says she doesn't need help. I watch her for a while from a distance to make sure that there aren't any hints that she has been raped. Having worked as a volunteer in a women's center for decades has made me aware how different raped women can behave - so I only leave when I am pretty sure that nothing serious has happened. Which I can never be completely sure of, of course.
What kind of things could give away that she was raped? She was wearing pants and a longsleeve - so while there were no blood stains I couldn't tell if she had any bruises.
Never easy to tell. Her movements maybe if she is sitting and in pain. Or trying to stand up in pain. I think you have done a great job in staying with her a little bit.