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I’ve had it. No matter what I do, I’m sexually harassed on a near constant basis. It’s starting to make me bitter and tired. It’s been this way my entire life but more so since I moved to a Western American state. The misogyny is on another level here. Every day I’m leered at, harassed, hit on, intimidated, etc. There is no escape from it. Two days ago I was working and around a lot of new workers who were male. One of them, a 60 year old man, hit on me non stop. Wouldn’t stop talking about his divorce. Stood too close to me in the elevator. Kept getting in my space and flirting. It was close to making me have an anxiety attack this because we were alone together for a lot of the day.
I know other women say to just be more assertive and turn them down. But I can’t. Not without fear of violence or retribution. The last man, another coworker, I turned down gives me death glares every time we work together. I’m afraid of him. And I am all alone up here and being a lesbian means I’ll never have a man to protect me or a husband to reference during conversation.
I’m really starting the think that men and women should not work together in the same areas. Separation is key. I’m so disgusted and afraid after being harassed and assaulted my whole life. Men are pigs, and I hate them.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I could offer some advice. Men leave me completely alone and always have, but I don't know what in particular stops them. I'm very tall, 6'1", so that might be part of it. I'm also GNC and have short hair and wear men's clothes. Maybe that helps, although it sucks that women would have to cultivate a hard masculine appearance just to ward off predators.
Thank you for your compassion. True, I may have to take on a more butch style. I’ve always kind of felt that maybe I’m butch but I’ve been too scared to try it. I’m tomboyish now but still feminine. At this point I’ll try almost anything to get them to leave me alone. I just want to live my life in peace.
Can you loudly call guys like this out in front of other people somehow? “Why do you keep telling me about your divorce? Excuse me you’re standing way too close.” For staring, “Can I help you, you’ve been looking at me a long time?”
Is there an HR department you can make a report to for harassment?
Lol I kind of love this, or to respond to what he says really loudly. "LARRY, YOU'RE GOING THRU A DIVORCE? HAVE YOU TALKED TO A THERAPIST? THERAPY IS OKAY. SORRY I CAN'T HELP, THAT'S NOT MY FIELD"
I’m afraid of their reaction and that they’d get angry with me. There isn’t an HR department, but I have hinted to a female manager before that I was very uncomfortable with one of my male coworkers and she was receptive. If something overt happens I’d feel better about reporting it. Most of the harassment is covert.
The only way to keep those scrotes happy is to keep acquiescing to their disrespect. To get it to stop you will have to upset someone somehow (much easier said than done, I know. Conflict is really scary)
ETA: jumping off what tuff_terfies said below, maybe you should just have a default response in your back pocket like “I’m not the audience for that.” Or “you’re entitled to your perspective” (I’ve found men HATE that one). If nothing else, you can gray rock them.
Gather evidence and consult a lawyer. Honestly, I don't know what else you can do. You won't make them stop. But you can make them pay
Say, "What is that smell?! My god, can you smell it? Did you shit your pants or something? I'm gonna be sick!" and walk away.
I’m lucky enough to work in a mostly-female field (daycare 💕) but I take public transport to and from work so I still have to see men unfortunately. I mostly ignore them; if they talk to me I try to pretend like I didn’t hear. Sometimes I’ll start speaking French and pretend I don’t know English lmfao
It doesn’t always work though unfortunately but that’s the best I got
It’s been this way my entire life but more so since I moved to a Western American state. The misogyny is on another level here. Every day I’m leered at, harassed, hit on, intimidated, etc.>
I’m a transplant to the Mountain West too. You aren’t kidding about the level of misogyny here. It’s a completely different creature here. Reading your post made me remember what it was like when I first came here and made me fear that I’ve adjusted to it.
I don’t even know what to do anymore. I feel like prey. The men here are HORRIBLE. They have no respect. None. I feel afraid all the time. And there’s nothing I can do except try to avoid them and not trigger their violent impulses. People here in general are just violent, rude, and have no common courtesy. I miss living in a place where people are somewhat civilized.
It has to do with the higher number of men than women right? I couldn't get a drink for myself without getting chatted up even on a date with another guy out there. It was insane I just wanted to be left alone, to OP I feel ya.
I live in a bigger town in Montana I think the ratio is 55% men and 45% women, but I assume a lot more men commute in for work and pleasure. I think it’s the ratio but more so just the culture. The male egos here are like nothing I’ve ever seen. And they look at me like I’m a piece of meat and nothing more. Not sure if it stems from the Wild West days or what.
Honestly, this sounds pretty bad. I've been around men like that and it's really horrible and dehumanizing.
However, this is not my current experience with a professional job. Literally no one has hit on me and I've been on professional lunches with men. I wonder what kind of job you have. Maybe if you switch jobs or maybe the whole industry, it will be better. Most men working in offices in the US have enough sense to not harass their female coworkers
Are you short? I am working on theory (likely already well known) that this happens more to smaller women. But that is for me.
Self-defense? It might just make you feel stronger, and able to protect yourself, even mace; not a fan of guns.
No, I’m very tall actually. It doesn’t stop them.
I’ve even tried wearing baggier clothing to stop the harassment but it makes a marginal difference.
I’ve considered starting jiu jitsu so I can feel safer in my body. I’m not a gun person either, but I do carry mace and keep a knife in my car.
Interesting. thank you. My suggestion? cut your hair. Short hair really changed everything for me.
I actually tried that and I got more attention from men. However, it was more respectful attention. More like admiration and intimidation than lust and objectification. Maybe I will go back to a pixie.
intimidation is what I go for and i have had a pixie for decades. I love being intimidating. I think the comments here are good. Wear that intimidating pixie cut, severe black clothes and ask things like: "why do you think i am interested in what you are telling me/what you have to say?" "or you might want to tell that to someone who cares, cuz that ain't me". I used to wear a lot of black turtlenecks (I know, not great for summer) and skull and x bones earrings, thick black eyeliner and glower at men. Big boots, big motorcycle jacket. IMO baggy clothes signals to them fear, and they smell that. Find every signal you can for 'fuck off and die'. or just where a t-shirt that says that.
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I wore dresses and skirts and boots with heels and make up when I taught and i still got "intimidating" on all of my evals. Before that, when I was younger and more harassed, I was bad ass punk rock (not metal--bah! give me The Clash, L7, or the Pixies over Metallica and def not death metal, lol) or, heaven forfend around these parts, 'queercore'. The famous film producer (lesbian), Christine Vachon, still dresses this way, what she calls the ACT-UP uniform: jeans, t-shirt, docs & motor cycle leather jacket. But I love dresses, esp summer dresses. I loved that pick of shirt your posted with the flower print.
I wish I could lose weight. I am envious and impressed. I need to take all the energy I put into the garden and put it into exercise. I am so impressed with your commitment to walking and self-care generally. You've been doing so great!
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He's using women he doesn't know as a comfort human. As if women OWE men our time and sympathy if he's lonely.
It's not about looks, guys get desperate enough that any woman who looks approachable will get tested. It sucks that you're still getting attention your 60s.
I mean, his VOICE. SHUT UP.
I get this as well. Some men are so loud, or they talk so long that their voices rise through the background buzz. I was in a cafe the other day where a guy was speaking with his girlfriend at a nearby table, and he didn't shut up for freaking ages!! I felt sorry for her that she has to listen to him all the time, my god. He'd speak for multiple minutes, she'd respond with one or two sentences, literally five seconds of speech, then he'd be off again.
I've worked in extremely male-dominated industries all my life. I hear you, it is fucking relentless.
Dudes like the 60yrold I just publically shame "God Mike will you shut up about your divorce you are sounding desperate" " I'm not interested in hearing about your life Mike" "Isn't there someone else you can harass today Mike" I don't give a fuck if they hate me.
Report and keep reporting the men who are physically threatening. Make HR very nervous there is going to be a long long paper trail if anything ever gets to court.
If you intend on staying. Day to day treat it as if you are entering a factory that is full of toxic sludge. Or a male prison. Because it is. Sort out your protective gear. Suit up every day. The records you keep, who are your allies, how are you organizing your physical space, protective clothing, your escape routes. And your 5-year plan. What do you intend to extract from this job while you are in it? Money, extra qualifications, seniority? Systemically tick off those goals so you can see an end in sight and leave them in the dust.
Most of all organize your private life to be life-enhancing, a counterbalance to remind you of the better things are out there.
Your responses to “Mike” made me laugh out loud. But yes, working in all male industries gives me a death wish. Im in the gig economy for now, which is of course 90% males. It’s really just a temporary thing for me until I find something better. I just don’t do well in office jobs so it’s hard to find something good. I’m hopefully moving to California for the fall so I’ll at least have a break from these fuckers.