(Hello, a quick warning that this will probably be rather long, and also I imagine that to many of you I will seem to be a newbie here, but I used to be quite active on the old r/GC as well as this site until a year or so ago).

I can try to summarize the best I can here: I've had an awful life; terrible and unrelenting health problems to the point of being severely disabled now; lots of abuse and trauma; and my "family" being a bunch of monsters.

I have always felt mostly alone battling the world, having to fight every day for every goddamned thing, but the ONE person who was my whole family was my Nana. I adored her, I looked up to her, and she was the only real mother figure I ever had.

In her mid 80s about two years ago, she developed severe back pain and needed care both before and after major back surgery. I can't even handle taking care of MYSELF physically, but I was determined to be the ONE family member who didn't ditch her once she needed help

So I flew across the country for a month three times over the course of a year as she got worse and worse, and it was an absolute nightmare as I was having to cook, clean, tend to all the animals, tend to Nana's diabetes, bathing, and incontinence, and keep somehow pushing past my own self falling apart even more.

Then I got a very damning medical test that basically was the cherry on top of an absolutely horrific disease that has long been suspected, but my organs weren't yet involved, and now I have gastroparesis and my esophagus isn't working, so yeah, awful life already, awaiting a drawn out and miserable death, while being the only one caring for Nana...

I just started to COMPLETELY lose it. My last visit to see Nana was a month long but was to make sure she wasn't lonely on Christmas, and she was NOT herself. She was... cruel. Hurtful. Making a ton of extra work for me. I couldn't even sleep away from her. By the time I got home, I just wanted to write her an email expressing that I was really hurt and that I wanted us to work through those issues because I was so confused and sad about how things had been.

Well, story of my life, everything goes down the worst way possible; her dramatic personality change seemingly was an early manifestation of her dying, as she died a few months later. None of us expected it at all. But because of the email I sent, and due to my incredibly cruel uncle and sister, I was kept away from her death bed and never got to mend things the right way.

The most important thing to me as far as inheritances or possessions or whatever was that I was going to take her two parrots, who are only a few years younger than me, and give them an AMAZING life with my other two little guys. We planned that for YEARS, but my uncle, just out of spite or whatever, not only wouldn't let me have them (even though HE didn't want them), but that's why he kept me from seeing her as she was dying, because he KNEW that was her intention.

I stood to inherit some nice jewelry, which I really didn't care about except the principle of the thing at that point, and my uncle used that email I sent Nana as an excuse for screwing me out of what was already agreed upon as well, which doesn't really matter much except it revealed that even my relationship with my own sister was not worth saving.

And then with my health and disability seemingly getting worse every day on top of this, I...kind of lost it? I have not been myself, and have made some incredibly stupid decisions that are very out of character for me.

After a lifetime of tending to my finances spotlessly, I got myself in massive, life altering debt in a little more than half a year, and I know I need to do SOMETHING but I'm too sick and depressed to even BATHE reliably on my own right now, and yeah, I've applied for disability help but of course, my case had to be screwed up in some impossible way, because > that's how it always goes for me, so I have no clue when or if I'll get any kind of help.

I did manage to contact a debt payment plan kind of organization, but my monthly payments would be massive and would take years, so I think I'm forced to consider bankruptcy but how the hell do I do it when even the simplest, most basic things seem impossible right now?

I do have a good Nigel but one who is profoundly limited in many areas himself due to his own autism. I've lived a pretty lonely life with no real support network, so Nana was it--my family, my mom, my best friend, my advisor, my emotional outlet--and without her there's just ME.

I don't have a job or have any money of my own. I've even been forced to consider selling Nana's jewelry but for some reason pre owned jewelry severely depreciates in value when you try to sell it.

Nigel knows I've gotten into some debt, but I can't tell him how bad it is, not because he'd be angry or be cruel but because I'm so disgusted with MYSELF and I feel like I have done something completely unforgivable in getting into such a mess when I'm not even the one who makes the money. And emotionally, he just isn't able to give me the kind of support for my grief that I need either because that's HIS limitation.

I know the longer the finances stay a wreck the worse it will get, but I'm just sick, and exhausted, and hating myself, and unable to even make phone calls at this point, and I remembered posting here for advice several times before and I'm just hoping someone has been through it or has some ideas because I feel like I'm doomed.

My house is a disaster, I have tons of medical appointments and a growing list of surgeries I need to do, my disability help stuff is hopelessly tangled up, and it feels like only a freaking MIRACLE could help me now.

It's like I've been a strong woman since I was born. I've always been able to bounce back from horror after horror, but it feels like the full weight of it all has set in now that I lost Nana, and lost her in such a terrible way. There's just nobody now, and my "family" made it very clear that none of them ever cared about me except her.