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Need Advice or SupportAnyone have experience of the fall-out of CSA in the community?
Sorry for the heavy subject, it's been on my mind a lot lately. I'll try to be as brief as possible.
Basically I'm peripherally involved in a situation where historic CSA has been discovered. That's bad enough, and a whole lot of hurt has suddenly come out, we keep finding more victims of the same perpetrator. But so many within the community who know him and know the victims are all just minimising what happened or even excusing his behaviour!
I find it abhorrent, and I'm struggling to stay in perspective as honestly people excusing CSA feels almost like a worse betrayal than the actual CSA, which rationally can't be right. I mean, I'm horrified and upset at what's come out, obviously, I believe the victims 100%, I guess I had an intuition about this guy from knowing him (I've been right about these things before, guess my creep radar is fairly good). But I cannot get over other people that I previously had a good opinion of siding with him. I've hardly been able to find any resources about this for when you're not a victim yourself, you just know all the folk involved and your social circle is basically crumbling.
Anyway, if anyone's got any wisdom to share or resources or anything, it would all be very much appreciated. This is a situation I never anticipated landing in and I don't know where to start.
i'm hoping it's a generational thing (i've seen boomers minimize or be in denial of CSA in their families or church community), and it's very sad and maddening, but i have hope our generation and the next will be more educated on the effects of CSA. the book When Rabbit Howls comes to mind, and also Dr Minwalla's work on betrayal trauma.
Thanks for the book recs, I will check them out. Honestly the younger generations reactions have been just as mixed as the boomers', when I really can't see what there is to hesitate over. It's CSA, there are no grey areas here.
The woman behind Sybil admitted that she was faking it: https://www.npr.org/2011/10/20/141514464/real-sybil-admits-multiple-personalities-were-fake
Satanic panic, McMartin case: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McMartin_preschool_trial
When Rabbits Howl came out in 1987. I have doubts it describes an actual swarm of alternate personalities, in reality; but perhaps a great read as fiction, and moneymaker for the author.
Yes I'm aware of those stories. I wasn't referring to Sybil or Satanic Panic. Truddi Chase was severely abused as a child. I believe her. If you haven't met someone with DID I don't expect you to accept it. Yes it's culturally bound, but it's still real for the people who experience it.
No wisdom, but thanks for standing for the victims.
People don't like to be wrong and will fight for their position until it becomes untenable "But he is such a nice guy". Every con man is.
There is no logic or persuading them, you just have to know you are doing the right thing, despite them.
I don't know, it feels like they're all under some sort of delusion. And they know him, they should know that this news makes sense, it's of a piece with what we've seen. I'm not trying to persuade them, it seems like arguing with lunatics, but it is so hard to understand. Harder to accept.
The one time I had any association with a creep like that I knew there was something dangerous about him. Every one else saw a "nice guy".
He got 12 years in jail. Keep that thought. It does not erase the effect he had on the victims, but it makes all the "be kind" assholes wake up. And, for the record, they will never, ever, admit you are right. They will never say they could have done better. They will always be "shocked".
I'm not a victim of CSA but imo the best thing you can do is be very clearly on "their" side which you are. Don't tolerate the assaulter's presence and loudly defend the victims to the point that people won't bother bringing it up to you.
People in your community taking your rapist's side must be incredibly isolating.
Thank you, yeah that kind of echoes what was in my mind. I know, for the victims it's a second betrayal of trust, to be dismissed like this.
Take pride in knowing that the women and girls in your community now know you are SAFE. Compared to the creeps that are taking that creep’s side.
There are still victims out there that need a SAFE woman they can trust. Be a beacon of strength for them. You’re the lighthouse for the women that are still drowning.
Hey, thank you. I'm trying. There's no manual for this, as usual in life!
I haven’t had direct experience of CSA in one of my own communities, but I’m familiar with the human tendency to dismiss poor behavior and side with the person who committed a terrible act of any kind. I strongly suspect it is rooted in self-blame and a feeling of guilt for not having seen the situation earlier or for having ignored warning signs. It may, in certain circumstances, be rooted in a feeling of dependence on the person who committed the act; for example, wives dependent on the income of the husband, or congregation members dependent on the community of a church led by the wrongdoer. I think it takes a LOT of inner strength to overcome the fear and terror of losing one’s livelihood or community, and understanding that will go a long way toward helping people find that inner strength and bravery.
That's an interesting perspective I hadn't considered, thanks. It still feels maddening that we COULD still have community and rally round the victims while shaming the abuser (or even, gasp, getting him help for whatever it is that's driving this - I know it's common but I refuse to believe someone who molests kids is mentally normal), but no, apparently that's too much to ask of some folks who instead want to rally round the poor abuser. The mind boggles. Argh. Sorry, I'm in my feelings about this tonight, clearly!
It is absolutely maddening. And fear and guilt are never an excuse for siding with the perpetrator of any abuse, particularly CSA. But trying to understand it is the only way through. I don’t even want to try to understand why someone would molest a child; I don’t have that level of empathy, even if it could help prevent it in the future, and I will leave that to experts. But I will make an effort to try to understand why people come to their defense, or the defense of other criminals.
When I named an abuser nothing at all happened. Not a thing. His life hasn't changed in the least. He even had people reach out to him in support. I did suffer quite a bit during that time though. I almost wish I never had come forward. Focus on supporting the victims, now and as time fades this from everyones memory but theirs. Don't waste your time with the attacker, or his supporters.
I'm sorry you had that experience, which I see the victims I know sharing in. It's enraging to see people rallying round an abuser.