Men gain everything and lose nothing from hookup culture. The worst they risk is an STI, which typically don't affect them too severely anyway. They're almost guaranteed an orgasm. They don't risk much violence.

Women risk being victims of violence. Women risk contracting STIs which can have serious health effects, including long-term ones. Women risk pregnancy--then an abortion if it's only short term risks which is not a walk in the park, or a child as a long term risk (risking physical, mental, and financial health). And all this to have sex with a man who probably doesn't care about you enough to give you an orgasm. So what does a woman gain from this? Nothing, while she has plenty to lose.

I'm not a prude or sex-negative either. I have had my share of casual sex but I was pretty selective and even then it wasn't worth it. I risked too much and the reward was minimal.

All the most mind-blowing sex I've had has been in committed relationships.

Hook up culture is bad for women. Period. Very high risk and very low reward.

I'm with you. And I'm really sick of the label 'prude' getting thrown at any woman who has standards or self-respect. Men I wanted to sleep with have called me that, just because I wasn't willing to go out with any guy who asked or get in bed with them after 'hanging out' (not even a date)! For awhile, I felt really bad about myself and my supposed 'hang ups' but it finally dawned on me that I wasn't the one with the 'hang up,' they were. They were projecting crap onto me just because I hadn't made it easy for them. They made assumptions about me without even asking me out.

Why should sex be easy? Why should I? Frankly, the expectations of instant gratification and easy access has made a lot of men terrible lovers. And we haven't even touched on violent porn. Meghan Murphy herself has said most men these days are 'bad at sex.' They're bad at relationships too. So let's stop rewarding them for laziness, entitlement and name-calling/shaming.

I hate any expectation that I or any woman has to have sex with strangers and outside of a relationship. But I don't hate that women including me sometimes are just horny and don't view sex as a big deal. Some people view sex as fun and don't need an emotional connection.

Personally I would rather have sex with an acquaintance than a male friend. A friend is a non sexual thing to me.

I'm early 20s and the whole dating scene while I was in university was just a hookup scene. I attempted to date a couple times, and every time I ended up turning the guy down because he expected that date = sex with how the culture was. After about three tries I stopped because I was seeing the pattern and honestly thought it was gross and demeaning.

There's definitely the expectation now that with more sex positivity (which I have absolutely no problem with) means that more women need to have sex with men whenever they want, because "it's just a hookup, it doesn't matter". I won't tell a woman that she can't have sex with whoever she wants to, that's her choice. But I don't like that by association, I'm expected to have sex with whatever man takes five seconds to send me a message on Snapchat or Instagram, and I'm a useless prude who needs to go die or be raped by a group of men if I say no.

I am old-fashioned. Sex is intimate. Hooking up with friends or strangers is only going to create problems. If he doesn't care about you, he may get demanding or abusive about sex. If he does care about you, he's going to get attached and want a relationship, in which case congrats you've got possible commitment, but it might not be from the right person because you didn't do your vetting beforehand. And men who want to date are even more pushy and desperate than men who want sex. And there's the opposite, the woman getting emotionally invested and wanting a relationship before vetting, which can lead to heartbreak or into toxic relationships.

Sex is an emotional experience and we need to be mindful of the effect it has on us and on the people we are having it with. Trust is essential and sometimes norms exist for a reason.

The one and only time I casually hooked up with a guy, I cried so hard once I got home. I knew he didn’t actually care about me and I regretted sharing my body with him because I knew that’s all he wanted. I never did it again and now I’m nearing my 4 year anniversary with my bf.

I've never participated in it. Hookup culture just runs contrary to how I was raised. I was raised to believe that sex was for, if not marriage, at least a long-term loving relationship. I have a very high libido and can certainly imagine having sex with men I don't know. It's fine as a fantasy, but I wouldn't want it in real life. I want sex to be with a partner that I have some level of commitment to and can trust.

From what I've heard, most men are either not invested in a casual partner's pleasure, or worse, are actively disrespectful or violent. I wouldn't want to risk something like that. I'm easy to get off, so I would not have a problem orgasming with a one-night stand, but I would be pissed as hell if some dude tried to hit me or strangle me. It's not worth it.

Hookup culture was a nightmare 20 years ago and I see no evidence that it has changed. Men took the idea that "women should be free to choose their sexual partners" and twisted it into "fuck you bitch, give me sex"

But I'll go further to say that hookups, fwb, boyfriends, fiancé, and husband have all been a net negative for me. Each with a different twist.

I hate it too. I don’t have any desire to give my body to a man I don’t know or love. For me, sex is an act of trust, to share with a loved and trusted person. I honestly think hyper sexualisation is SO bad for women and girls. It’s bad for society in general. I can’t stand it.

Casual sex sucks even when you take men out of the equation. It’s just not good. Boring at best, corrosive to the soul at worst.

I hooked up when I was younger but it was never because I needed an orgasm—I could achieve that by myself—more because I wanted to touch another person’s skin. The emotional fallout was never worth it. Now the idea horrifies me. If other women can enjoy hookups then more power to them, I guess, but there’s nothing in it for me.

Edit: the existence of hookup culture puts me all the way off dating because I never want to have casual sex again, and even the least shitty men seem to take it for granted that a trial bang will be extended before anything is nailed down.

I hate hookup culture too. I generally feel like society is on a one way train to making everyone significantly less connected to each other and ourselves and it feels purposeful. From hookup culture to porn and OF to the superficiality of social media in general to the commodification of absolutely everyone and everything, etc etc.

I like the idea of casual sex and ONS in theory, but in reality, modern men have become so violent and sexist, it’s not worth it. Especially with how common strangulation is as a fetish. I feel like I have to vet every guy I interact with to make sure I don’t end up a statistic. In practice, it’s better to be celibate.

I’m reading a series of books by Mary Mackey set in 4,000 BC, in which, in the matriarchal culture of the books, women can sleep with whomever they wish, short term or long term; if they have children, they appoint a male guardian for that child, which is a great honor; families are seen as being led by the mother; and the villages take care of everyone’s needs communally. It sounds ideal and utopian, and I would be thrilled to life in a culture like that.

In reality, in our modern day culture, my experience was that hookup culture - which started decades ago, even if it seems to be on steroids now - was terrible for me, and left me feeling empty and used, even when I didn’t actually want a long term relationship with the dude. I’m not saying everyone’s experience is mine, but only a few guys seemed to care about my pleasure at all, and this is when, nominally, the cultural focus was on a man’s skill at giving women orgasms. Interestingly, two of the most caring and skillful were definitely, clearly one night stands from the very start.

As for hooking up with friends, that was the worst disaster of all, and taught me that my male friends - of which I thought I had many - actually couldn’t be trusted and that the friendships never actually were real, just a sort of bookmark until they could get me in bed. Fortunately, I learned that lesson quickly.

In retrospect, it was marriage that gave me the comfort and space to speak up for my needs without being rejected and to experience true desire rather than lust. But say that now, and I’m an old grandma who doesn’t understand female empowerment. Maybe things would be different in a culture like the one from those books, but that is clearly not what we have now.

I've never liked hook-up culture or participated in it, no matter what my viewpoints were at the time. I'm a romantic and I also don't want to be physically vulnerable with someone I don't trust. And there's no way a stranger is getting me to reach orgasm... basically, like many women have said, there are little to no benefits for women and nothing to lose for men. Not a good combination.

But, even as a bisexual, I still wouldn't want to have hookups with women. I'd much prefer dating or staying friends; mixing the two sounds like an easy recipe to get too attached. But my lack of sexual experience and willingness to be casual is one reason I worry I won't find a female partner when I'm ready to date again. 😥

Sex is alright, but I'd only do it with a partner. I'm a straight woman and I can barely stand most men, so casual sex with them would be disgusting for me.

I think it's quite common to feel like this, but society is very hypersexualised because of media and porn. I also think this is were things like "demisexuality" came from. Normal people who think media depicts the real world

I don't understand hookup motivation for women at all. Like... surely a vibrator will be more satisfying???

A friend of mine said she really liked doing hookups and one night stands in her younger years, and I asked if she had ever had sex with anyone completely sober, and she said no. She doesn't drink anymore and she's married, but I pointed out that if you're too inebriated to remember the encounter or the man, then you just remember the thrill of being desired. It is NICE to be desired, but it it's cheap compared to sex when you actually like and trust the other person. I think hookup culture takes advantage of women, because we don't want to be seen as stuck up prudes gatekeeping sex. We want to be seen as cool and fun and adventurous, but that wears off eventually. Frankly, I am a prude and I gatekeep the hell out of access to my body, and it's served me well. (And I am still fun, but on my own terms!)

I hate that being critical of hook up culture gets you called names. I hate that it’s “sex negative”

When I was younger I did engage in hook ups. Most people back then did. It was the norm. I’m early 30s so most people my age will know what it was like.

Now that I’m older I can see what it was. It’s nice to feel desired by men, especially when you’re younger. But they don’t care about you. They don’t find you beautiful or smart. You’re just not a person to them.

There’s also times where I’d just agree to sex because I’m there and didn’t want to say no, and felt pressured . I’ve never had a good hookup.

I think most women that advocate for hook ups do not engage in hooking up. It’s a fun fantasy for them. I had a group of libfem friends and the one that encouraged it the most, was someone that had never had a bf, or held hands or kissed a man, let alone hookup with a guy. She’s never been on a date. She is still like this as far as I know. She doesn’t take on the risks with that lifestyle and yet tells women it’s empowering. She has no idea about any of it.

Another one was similar but was always in LTR. at one point in my life I did have a fwb for like 2 years. At this time I dated multiple men but didn’t have sex with them, just my fwb. She would call me a slut for dating these guys etc. But I only had one sexual partner for a few years. She was also very outspoken about how slut shaming is bad but was always quick to call me names.

So now when I see women that are supporting this behaviour; I know they do not do this and yes they do judge you.

Totally agree! I even once made a post here about one-night stands. I am in a long-term-relationship and I do love sex, but only because I trust my partner. I wouldn't be able to enjoy sex with someone I just met. I just wouldn't be able to relax. What if it becomes painful and I want to stop it? Will he listen to me? I know my partner will, even if it was me who initiated sex in the first place. A random man? Maybe he will, maybe he won't, but I have never wanted to test.

I've tried the fwb route and it's not for me. I got addicted to the sex, the friendship was okay most of the time, but the dissociation I had to enforce to not get attached was harmful to my mental health. I knew he was not someone I wanted to commit to due to differing values but decided to still hookup because I saw it as "fun" at the time. I decided to go no contact after about a year to get away from the addictive element that just left me feeling mentally dissociated, disconnected, and empty.

I guess I can at least say "been there, done that, it's not for me". Reading other women's experiences since then I'm starting to think it's not for any woman.

I think men make it bad. They are too entitled and gross. It can’t be done to meet the man’s needs. They have to meet the woman’s needs.

Don't like casual sex. No interested. Anyone I have sex with better show me a recent and fully clear std sheet including the ones they don't test as much for. And I better trust them enough to believe there's been no one in between

Haven't been opposed to make outs if the mood strikes though.

Something inside me just says that it desecrates the sanctity of my body to let random male 'friends' have access to it

This really resonates with me. You are very much on to something here.

Funny you mention this today. I was just thinking that as part of Gen Z it really is impossible to date anyone because of the all the misguided people who have bought into the brainrot that is hookup "dating culture". All the mainstream "dating advice" of my generation is basically just how-to guides on how to become an emotionally manipulative and abusive sociopath, or how to be a self-centered loser who cares about nothing other than oneself instead of forming a mature healthy partnership with another equal adult human being. Hookup culture requires that you treat other human lives like they are expendible, and it disgusts me. Why bother dating at all, when someone will just throw you away or "ghost" you at the first opportunity on whim?

I'm with you. It sucks something out of you when they've used your body for their penis jollies, friend or random dude both. Female bodies deserve something better.

I've participated in hookup culture but always on the condition that I got to go on a date with the person first, sober, and stay in contact. If they can't entertain me in a good conversation then I can't have sex with them. I almost never go into penetrative sex on the first night/try - we keep it to foreplay. Never do it with a living mate or close friend. It definitely wasn't a bad experience to me but I think it all depends on each person's objective and how confident they are with their own boundaries (something which most young women, at 21, are not). Some even criticized me back then to be confused by treating hook ups similar to dating - but I knew that was exactly the only possible acceptable and pleasurable way for me, and the only way that maintains everybody's dignity.

My perspective is peculiar because I am a lesbian, I had dating and sexual experience with women before trying men and was very confident in myself already, and my hookups with men were all just experiments, no penetration, where I just made them pleasure me for the most part. I had no fear of getting emotionally entangled to them or at a disadvantaged situation because I had 0 attraction. I knew I had more power than them because my "market value" as a young woman was much higher than theirs; I could choose, they less so. I took a boy out once because he could give me access to girls on the senior year and I wanted to go to a bar and didn't have anybody else to go with. The promise of sex was the currency they were buying. The 2 boys I chose were kind, respectful, and virgins, and people I would otherwise want to be friends with. The 3rd boy was actually a TIM I decided to try out to earn clarity about my orientation. None of them knew how to fight (I did).

A friend of mine (straight woman) told me I was being cruel and cold with the boys and I said we both knew the interaction was purely transactional and that what each one would benefit from each side was clear. They accepted it. And it's not as if I thought their attraction was something holy and warm lmao.

If you do not like the concept of hookups being an economic transaction, then that's not for you. Most people I think would be utterly disgusted by the idea. Part of me saw sex and intimacy as something that could be done with equality and dignity and which you can improve by practicing, I was infinitely curious about how people relate to their bodies. So I enjoyed the cold aspect of a transaction and dealt with the emotional backlash occasionally.

Hookup culture with girls was much harder to access because girls are harder to access. I had at least 4 situations of them leading me on to sex but withdrawing for mysterious reasons. That was way more painful than any downfall from a hookup. Therefore I know - from experience - that women are not that truly into hookups. As to hookups with women, the first time was incredible and mind-blowing. Other times were also exciting. Personally I love the variety of people's personalities and bodies and a goal I had was to have experience with different ethnicities. It was a very positive experience for me, and I still keep in contact with a few of them.

I'm 24 now. Would I continue hooking up? Absolutely not. That was just a playground, I became experienced, and I want something real moving on. I think hook up culture should stick exclusively to the college age range as a learning experience. I do think if done right, varied sexual experience can help women become socially dominant earlier. You stop being that ingenue. If a man challenges me socially, I know the kind of things that make him weak in his intimate. Even if I'm a lesbian this is still a great skill to have for life. Short-lived situations teach you what it means to be emotionally intelligent and also tough. But again I know I have a pretty wide comfort zone and am probably not your average woman in this topic.

I see nothing morally wrong with a playground. However: I think women need to fully research men's sexuality and psychology before walking into hook ups to understand the terms and conditions from the male perspective, have experience masturbating beforehand, ideally have sexual experience with other women beforehand, have had at least one relationship beforehand, never get into penetration on the first night, know self-defense, stay mostly sober always, pay for their due, and they should never seek hook ups with someone they could emotionally fall for.

All of my hookups fulfilled all of these requirements.

I know this doesn't answer your question but I just wanted to offer a perspective about how some women could possibly benefit from this kind of freedom. As you see, there are many conditions for it which society dismisses when promoting hook ups, and if I were president and turned these requirements into legislation, I think most women would definitely not pass, and hook up culture wouldn't really be much of a thing as it currently is. Frankly the way I did things wasn't really "hook up culture", I just tweaked it my way. So ultimately our opinions are probably not too far off.