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RantMen Don't Get Over Heartbreak, Do They?
They don't seem to process their emotions and move on the way we do. I've been dumped once, it was agonizing and made me lose my appetite (and also disturbed my bowel movements lol) for nearly a month. But... within 6 months I noticed that I was already getting detached and a year later I was fully over him. The relationship was about a year-long, so of course for women who got left after long-term relationships, the heartbreak could take longer to fade, but I generally notice that we process things fully and move on a lot better than men regardless of how long it takes.
Now, men... It seems like men get way too attached to one particular woman in their life and rarely do any inner work to heal once she leaves them. Here's my recent experience that made me realize this: I befriended a guy online and it felt like there was some chemistry between us. He was in a different country, but he often travelled, which made me open to see "where things go." He seemed to take the lead, lovebombed a lot and made me feel special. However, one thing was very clear from the way he talked about his ex: this man was NOT over her. His relationship lasted almost a decade, so I understand why it'd take time, but men need to understand that you can't move forward with new people until you fully heal. Obviously he never explicitly said that he missed her, but he compared me to her by saying "don't worry, you're much better than her" when I expressed sympathy for him for getting cheated on... Weird.
He's hot and cold and sending mixed signals, but I'm in the process of detaching myself because I don't wanna get involved with someone like this, especially not when it means keeping things long-distance for god knows how long! Plus he has a lot of other red flags that my feelings seem to ignore. And yes, unfortunately I feel too attached to him whereas his initial enthusiasm seems to have faded, but I'm still getting nasty little breadcrumbs occasionally.
Has anyone else noticed this? That men don't heal from heartbreak the way women do? Obviously I feel bad, but... You gotta work on yourself before you try to play games with new women. This kinda makes me anxious to ever date men because I feel like I'll never be good enough. Sad because I want my own family someday. I'm bi so maybe I could explore relationships with women someday, but I unfortunately don't fully understand them yet since I live in a very homophobic country with no exposure to actual lesbian couples, especially those with kids.
I don't know if it's really heartbreak as much as outrage or humiliation sometimes. A guy I know was with someone for a single month, declared love and planned out a whole future with her that included her being a housewife and having a bunch of kids (basically he wanted a tradwife). When she dumped him for being creepy, useless, and not even having worked his first job at the age of 26, he had a full breakdown and kept repeating how she had used him. From what I gather they had gotten together when she was depressed/vulnerable but managed to get out of that relationship before she was in too deep.
Over a year later and he was still going on about how he will never date a "broken girl" again and how he was totally over her and had improved his life. It wasnt until he latched onto a new victim that he stopped with the overt bitterness over the ex. Except he still can't help making snide comments from time to time and comparing the two women.
Yeah I find this to be way too common. “The one that got away” is a phrase men use for a reason. Although it’s usually a case of he sucked and drove her away. At the very least, they don’t try to understand the reasons why the breakup happened. Then they refuse to ever process their feelings, accept that they weren’t right for each other, and move on and instead drag it all into the next relationship.
I patently refuse to get involved with men that are any type of caught up on an ex. Not my problem, BYE.
"The one that got away" is running as fast as she can because he's a huge red flag.
I honestly think a lot of men are ignorant to their own emotions. They’re never taught to process them, the same as how they are never taught to process things like rejection.
And then they turn around and think that they somehow “love harder” and “fall harder” than women do, because it’s the first time they’ve been able to fully feel and process an emotion other than desire or anger.
I've experienced men who clearly aren't over the ex, and I've experienced ones who get over a relationship surprisingly quickly. Like . . . shockingly quickly. Like they weren't that invested in their relationship and it's easy to get a new partner/wife.
I suspect for the first it's due to bruised egos, and the second is not really caring for their partner in the first place.
It's called triangulation. Men are not like us and they do not experience heartbreak, only injured egos. They will pretend to have been devastated by an old flame but it isn't true. It's just an excuse for him to make you feel inadequate and keep him from committing. Also, online relationships are not real.
YES. This, all of this, and I know it’s not the thing to say it these days, but especially this:
Also, online relationships are not real.
I think psychos fit this pattern of behaviour.
Normal, mentally healthy men eventually move on.
He's not attached to her; he wants you to do the pick me dance!
No this. Men already see you as theirs when you're dating, but even when you split up! The fact you don't care for them is what drives the behaviour, guarantee the moment you return any of their desperate "affection" they pull back and act sociopathic because they're RaTiOnaL, LoGiCaL and not EmOtIonAl.
Hey there. So I‘ve noticed this as well. I once talked to a guy who repeatedly talked about his ex. I asked him, whether he still wasn’t over her, but he insisted that he was. But I didn’t believe it. I guess it’s more difficult for men to be vulnerable and open up to just anyone. It’s not really something that guys do with each other, since it’s seen as a weakness. So once they find someone they truly connect with and openly talk to, it’s special to them since it’s not something they‘re used to. Women are more in touch with theit emotion, since it’s socially acceptable. Which is why it’s easier for us to move on, I believe. We talk, we cry and we process our experiences better. Men often don’t have that outlet. That’s what I believe.
You're absolutely right, yes! But what's interesting is that this man is from a very liberal country and has access to mental healthcare, yet I had to work without a professional with just one friend to rely on for my post-breakup breakdowns (whom I'm quite grateful for!). I also know someone who got over her ex without any professional help or friends, so I do feel like men themselves don't try to let go of the connections that are gone regardless of how much external help they get.
No no no, you’ve framed this all wrong. It’s not that men have no EQ and are immature babies who never grow up or learn to have their own lives. It’s that women [checks notes] can’t “pair bond.” /s
Bill Maher has a podcast. Over the years, he has talked about a girlfriend in high school who dumped him, and he never got over being dumped by her. Recently, I saw a podcast where he said the reason he was so devastated by the break-up was because his Ego couldn't take it. I think he is right. A lot of it is that it is a blow to a man's ego. Women are not as ego driven.
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Thank you so much for your words of encouragement ❤️🩹 Yes indeed, he's a walking red flag, especially considering that he's a decade older than me and playing silly games like these online. I'm not too familiar with FDS or its handbook. Where can I find it? I googled it, but I don't exactly understand as I am seeing stuff like podcasts.
They don't get over a bruised ego more like.
Came here to say this, especially from what you’ve told us about this guy, OP. I don’t think this guys is experiencing heartbreak as much as he’s simultaneously nursing his ego and pretending to feel bad so you’ll feel sorry for him.
Actually, he hasn't been saying anything that explicitly says he misses her or that he's still hurting over her. It's more that I can read the signs and figure out exactly what's going on in his mind. The way he defines his ideal partner is the biggest one... Almost all of those were his ex's qualities. 😬😬 Most annoying part is that he projected those qualities onto me even though I'm very different from her personality-wise. I had to constantly correct him and say that his perception of me is incorrect.