Hi. I’m going to describe my situation in detail, but I’m flairing this “discussion” because I think this is a conversation we could all benefit from in a more general sense. Think of my details below as a “case study” and feel free to share differing ones in the comments and start new conversations.

My brother is showing a lot of signs of “disenfranchised young man.” It’s breaking my mom’s heart and I do not want him to go down a path that would lead to him hurting himself or others. He’s been a little more open with me and I think I may have a chance to dissuade him, but you know me and I think I could do more harm than good.

Concerns:

1. Openly rejecting religion. This would be fine with me except that I know religion is often one of the only moral stops men have. Most young men who rebel against religion are quite frankly fixated on their dicks.

2. Shared (no details) that he’s “a sexual sadist” with both my mom and me independently. This was a few years ago and I’ve been distant since, just friendly enough to stay on good terms with my parents.

3. Very isolated.

4. Spends tons of time on the internet. A lot of this is with just one other male friend on Discord. The rest is god knows what. Tons of games. Surely porn too though I don’t know for sure. I know he uses Reddit but maybe he’s moved onto 4chan? I’ve seen the algorithms of even seemingly “good men;” they are ALWAYS trying to push dangerous evil shit.

5. Was recently rejected by a girl and apparently refused to come home for winter break and isolated himself for days. Was likely drinking during this time.

6. More on that last point: got some drinks for his 21st and took them back to his apartment where he has a room to himself after having some with my parents. Drank it all presumably alone and then said he would have to get some more as though it’s toilet paper or something.

7. Says he thinks he has autism. He doesn’t, but the fact this is on his radar is making me think he’s down some rabbit holes already.

8. Is effectively nocturnal. I get it. I am the same way and it was worse in college. There is nothing wrong with this on its face and I’m not judging, but apparently it is making it very difficult for him to succeed academically and is so extreme that I am concerned he will ever be able to function in society. Will not see a sleep specialist and isn’t interested in trying to curb this. When I was dealing with this I was concerned about it and have since made enormous strides, and am still working on it. Nocturnal people are not accepted in society and this is only contributing further to his isolation.

9. Has no IRL friends and is distanced from his best friend that he used to do everything with. Not sure about the rest of his friend group; it seems he’s spending all his time with this one random guy I know nothing about on Discord.

10. NPC-like behavior. It’s like he doesn’t have thoughts or feelings. The way he talks about things is absolutely bizarre. I am a clueless person who often misunderstands basic shit but the things he says are just strange. I can’t think of any examples but both of my parents and I AND my husband all agree that it’s like no one is up there.

He used to not be like that. Very friendly and gregarious with loads of energy.

My mom and I both worry about forcing him into therapy because therapists are insane these days. I worry he’s going to discover a gender or something. God knows what he’s doing online all day.

He says he doesn’t feel depressed or mentally ill.

He has never shown any violent tendencies that I’m aware of, but there is the sadism thing and the fact that where he is in the US and the fact he’s a student in-person at a large university makes me concerned about risk factors for certain things I’m not sure I’m allowed to talk about here. I just think this whole thing is a recipe for disaster.

Anyone know what to do? All I can find online is “empathize” and like…having to get a job and not being able to inflict yourself on any woman you fancy are not problems. I can empathize with wanting to be online and that socializing is really hard.

I want to call him and for it to be helpful. Even if I just listen and don’t say a word. Idk. I’m not good at this stuff and I low-key am not his biggest fan at the moment.

Anyone have ideas? I figured this would be a good thing to post because in this day and age, my brother is merely an example of something I’m sure a lot of mothers and sisters are either experiencing or worried about. I think it’s worthwhile to have a discussion even if the advice isn’t specific to this situation. We share this planet with men and a lot of them are coming unglued.