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DiscussionFar left spaces and compulsory queerness
Posting here since the WLW circles don’t allow discussion of being attracted to men.
I came of age in far left spaces and have had it drilled into my head that sexual orientation is about attraction to gender presentation only, and that “genital preferences” are meaningless at best and harmful bigotry at worst.
As much as I feel like I had compulsory heterosexuality forced onto me by the wider society, I feel like far left spaces have also forced some sort of compulsory queerness onto me. Like I have to be attracted to and willing to date/fuck literally anybody, otherwise I’m a bigot.
I’ve done a lot of negotiating around my “genital preferences”, like making out with men but asking them to keep their pants on, under the belief that I should be open minded and willing to compromise. This has led to A LOT of violating, uncomfortable, and traumatic sexual experiences.
I’m starting to deprogram and am shakily trying to assert my boundaries better.
But it’s still really confusing knowing what to call myself. I do find men’s faces attractive and can enjoy kissing them, which according to many modern lesbians means I’m bisexual and not lesbian.
However I have never, ever been attracted to or enjoyed sex with male genitalia, which according to some makes me homosexual and according to others makes me a closed minded bigot and according to even others means absolutely nothing at all because only gender matters, not sex.
It sort of feels like no matter what I call myself and no matter what my preferences are, either someone will be offended or I’ll have my boundaries violated. It does feel much easier socially to slip back under the “queer” label, even though I don’t actually resonate with that label anymore.
I see other women like myself who are maybe homosexual but feel pressured into loosening up their boundaries. On the other end I also see women who are straight or hetero-leaning-bi who seem to feel pressured into presenting as more gay than they really are. In a lot of social circles “queer” seems to be the “best” orientation, and everyone else is either a closed minded bigot or a privileged frump.
Has anyone else felt pressured to identify differently or date/have sex with different people, out of fear of not being progressive enough?
Has anyone previously identified as queer but later realized they were homosexual (or bi or even straight) once they started deprogramming?