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One day my husband took the kids to a park and a nearby church was having some fishing event where they introduced people, especially kids I think, to fishing. They had rods set up and would put the thingies on the hook and help you throw the thingies out.
You can tell I have no idea how to do this, neither does my husband.
But my daughter LOVED it. This happened this summer and she still talks about it. Just today, she said she wants to have her fishing rod "forever". Son asks her "even when you die?" And she goes "yeah!"
I don't want to restrict my daughter's hobbies based on our own. Are there places we can go that will teach her to fish? Like I know we don't have to know soccer -- we could bring her to soccer camp and they'd teach her. Is there the same for fishing? Where do I look? That church thing was a one-off to drum up membership ("fishing for men")
Also complicating this is she is only 2 years old. She just also loves fishing
Edit: omg I love all the support for my daughter's interest! This is a very "we don't get it but you do you" from my husband and me so it's really exciting to see the encouragement
I'm travelling and in a place where people (men mostly, but also women for certain things) constantly try to sell me things. Yesterday while I stopped to check my location on my phone, a man came up to me and started his selling spiel for a city tour. I said no repeatedly and moved away, he followed and kept talking. Commensurate salesman. When I kept refusing, he got visibly annoyed and started ranting about how tourists come to this place to see the thing it's famous for, yet never want to see the other things in the city, and this is such a shame etc. I told him I'd already done the city things (a lie) and started walking away in a direction I hadn't planned to go. He backed off after that, but it was an annoying interaction.
Like, dude, you came up to me. I've accepted that as a Western tourist who is wealthier than most of the people here, I will have people approaching me to sell things and I will have to say no repeatedly. I've got into the rhythm of that. I don't like it and find myself hiding in my hotel room for breaks more than I anticipated, but it's fine, I can handle it. This place generates a lot from tourists, I am a tourist. Fine, dandy, got it.
What I don't like is this snide, critical, shaming tactic that this guy used. It's been playing on me. When I was younger, I absolutely would have felt bad and ashamed, and likely gone along with him. Now, older, wiser, jaded, I see through the tactic and I'm just annoyed that he moved onto guilt tripping rather than take my tenth "no" and move onto a different target. I want to be left alone to wander around.
Part of me wonders if the male tourists get it this bad. I think solo women are seen as softer marks, or won't have their refusals respected as easily. I absolutely think the guys will get the same initial approaches, but it wouldn't surprise me if they only have to say no once or twice before being left alone. I'll have to ask when I next fall into conversation with a solo male traveller.
Part of me wonders if the male tourists get it this bad.
My guess is no. I remember going to a place which I won't name in 1984 where when I was with my mother alone we were pestered far more than if my father was also with us. He could say no and the person trying to sell us stuff would go away. My Mum said no, and that wasn't good enough.
It wasn't a general thing back then that white women were responsible for all the worlds misfortune like it is now. My guess is that they now know how to try to guilt trip you too.
I won't say the name of this place either, but I would expect the same dynamics are at play.
I actually don't think the "white woman" thing is a factor here (that's quite an American concept), it's more about money due to being visibly Western. That's my feeling. But yeah, guilt tripping is in the arsenal for those pesky women who have the audacity to keep saying no.
Sorry, I am in the USA and yes, the whole white woman thing likely is an American concept.
Got dumped by my narcissistic abusive ex a month ago and Iām still broken up about it. I know I should be happy/relieved that an abusive man left my life but I just feel dead inside instead. Idk how Iāve managed to stay alive this last month (probably because of therapy and thatās it). Donāt know how much longer Iāll be able to survive. He isolated me as most abusers do, so I have no one now, and Iām so fucking lonely.
Oh well. At least my cat wants to be around meā¦
Hey there. I actually got dumped and kicked out of my own house. Yep, you read that right.
It got worse before it got better.
Iām struggling now with certain things but none of the things I was back then. Be kind to yourself. That shit rewires your brain. If youād even told me that Iād be in a new city (thank you Ovarit for giving me the courage to do it when I was scared and asked for advice), living a good life with new friends and was content being single I wouldnāt have ever even believed you a few years ago.
Just hang in there and know this is a good thing even if it feels like shit.
Thank you so much. Itās good to know that things really can get better. Iām glad you are in a healthier/happier situation now. Hope I can get there some day.
Grateful for you and everyone else on here <3
Hang in there. Find things you like doing for yourself and that you're excited to see progress. Maybe you have a plant that flowers once a year, or you're painting a picture and it needs time to be completed.
When you're ready, go to events and meet people, or reach out to friends and family. If you were my friend and we'd been isolated due to his behaviour, I would be genuinely glad to hear from you and to hear that you two broke up.
Gonna second this but add a slightly small ā¦ different kind of encouragement?
I had many many friends who had been tired of hearing about my abuse and they slowly dropped, or I cut them out, because of my abuser. But at the end when I was at my goddamn lowest, desperately clawing for reasons to stay alive, the last couple were there. And when I say I mean they were there they werenāt just a Facebook comment. I cried on their couches. I drank too much wine and complained and they listened. And god damn I am so fucking grateful for those women and I would do anything for those few, and now in my new city Iāve made new friends. And I swear survivors just kind of know how to find each other because completely random hobbies have led me to other women who have had similar experiences with abusive men.
So even if the original commenter only has one or two friends happy to hear from her now that sheās not isolated and the rest are done or annoyed, those two are likely worth their weight in gold. Those are the kind of friends youāre still gonna have in fifteen or twenty years even if life gets busy and you donāt talk for a few months here and there. Sometimes the lack of excess people, but the presence of a select few, is exactly what you need.
It takes a while to recover from narcissistic abuse. More than a month. It sucks and youāll feel horrible and wonder if youāll ever get back to yourself. You will. Truly.
Itās a rough ride, Iām not denying that but it can be done. In the meantime, be nice to yourself. Do some little things that make you happy and contented. Try not to neglect yourself physically. There are resources for recovering from this kind of abuse online, some better than others but theyāre there. Just hang in there.
Much more than a month.
Best three sentences I learned in therapy or support groups:
āI will not should on myself today.ā (No saying āshould haveā, youāre not gonna shit on yourself.)
āYou canāt heal in the same environment that made you sick.ā
And lastly my therapist, āit took over ten years for you to get to where you are today, for you to feel as broken as you say you feel. And you think itās bad you somehow havenāt reassembled those pieces in less than a year? Why would you think it would take less time to rebuild than it did to break when breaking is usually the easier thing?ā
I went through quite a depression the first couple of months after leaving my narc ex. Focus on the immediate step right in front of you. Eat food, drink water, get sleep. Those are your only priorities for the next while. Give yourself time.
Please don't let him win. I am glad you have therapy. Why are you dead inside? Please, please read some feminist books like Dworkin. Let yourself get swept up in their world. How can you be on a feminist site and feel like you cannot survive w/o this abusive man? I just do not understand. Women are needed in this world--way more than abusive men. He may have well broke up with you bc you refused, in the end , to completely empty yourself out for him. I am glad. I am glad you held on to a shred of yourself in the end. You have value. Think: why are you on this feminist site? Ideally it is bc you love and value women; let that BEGIN with yourself. Make a plan to give yourself what you need: books, walks, nature, cat love, funny shows (I can recommend a bunch), hobbies, volunteer. Be there for someone else if you cannot for yourself. Imagine if someone else had posted this--many have: what would you advise her to do?
How can you be on a feminist site and feel like you cannot survive w/o this abusive man? I just do not understand.
Because when you're involved with an abuser, your world gradually gets smaller and smaller till there's nothing but the abuser. It's a major mindfuck. Can happen to anyone, even the most ardent feminist. Happened to me. I found the Narcissistic Abuse reddit helpful. Spiritual stuff too
They chip away at everything that makes you feel strong and confident.
Stealing a quote from Elizabeth Wurtzel here that makes me think of how I got so brainwashed when I was abused: āThere is a classic moment in āThe Sun Also Risesā when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt, and all he can say in response is, āGradually and then suddenly.ā When someone asks how I lost my mind, thatās all I can say too.ā
I canāt tell you where or when I lost the plot, when I went from someone who viewed myself as smart and capable to someone who asked for permission to go to McDonaldās. But it happens and itās insidious, and suddenly you have no one in your corner but the person who hurts you.
(Also myself Iām an adult child of an alcoholic and thereās a lot of research about that priming us for abusers.)
100% I didnāt even realize how much my world had shrunk. Over a year later Iām finally realizing how much I was missing out on because Iāve finally started living my life again.
Said it in another comment but thereās a lot of deep stuff that plays into it. It wasnāt until I left and went to therapy that I realized being the child of an alcoholic primed me for an abusive relationship. I entered it when I was only 17. I was not fully out until 32. I say āa decadeā because it was off and on and itās just easier to explain that way.
But for instance with children of alcoholics? I spent my childhood forgiving yesterday. I didnāt bring up the yelling or the terrible things that happened the day before because if you do that to someone who was drunk and doesnāt remember it just starts another fight. Learning to make each day a new one and push through to the next and āforgiveā was how I survived. Unfortunately I also brought this mentality, unintentionally, to my love life and it was how I knew how to live, and to an extent, how to āloveā and ābe lovedā even though that isnāt how love is.
Making it black and white and, ādo you want to be abused or not?ā works for someone removed from the situation but can be much more difficult for the person living in the shades of grey without clear direction and therapy.
ACA myself. My sister was abused by her gf. My brother is emotionally (and likely sexually) abusive of his partners. Somehow, with the feminism I clung to and learned about as a child, and probably my intense loathing of my alcoholic mother (and maybe bc it was my mother and not my father), I never entered into any abusive relationships. My whole life was spent totally focused on saving myself, so I think it gave me really good instincts about toxic people. Then, as adult, therapy and reading all things feminist, solidified this armament. Loathing her, externalizing it, instead of myself, gave me teflon, I think. So I guess I do understand it better than I let on.
I day hiked a mountain on Saturday (11 miles round trip, 4000' elevation change to the summit in 4 miles) and oof, I am sore. I backpack and cycle a lot, but this one is just tough.
I did it though! Second attempt. I first tried three years ago and I wasn't able to complete the summit - I was close, but I was suffering from the altitude and I was freaked out by the final scramble to the summit. This time, no problem with altitude (yay training!) and I was mentally prepared for the scramble, which I still didn't like.
Fun thing though: it was a bit cloudy, no biggie right? Then our phones started acting up and we got some electrical shocks. Took a second to figure out what was going on - static buildup - holy shit, lighning risk!!!! We had to do an emergency descent. About 20 minutes later, there was thunder (not much thankfully). We were still on the exposure but not on the peak. Grateful we had a warning and realized what it was!
I want to type all sorts of juvenile congratulations in honor of your Most Excellent Triumph, but I'm afraid I'm just a bit too knackered just reading your magnificent adventure story to put together anything more than a dimly creative attagirl. Go you! Climb more mountains! :-D
Also, I'm slightly envious as I'm hoping to attain a not quite as audacious backpacking goal. <3
Haha! Thank you!
What kind of not as audacious goal are you after?
Similar distance, less elevation (to start). The Moe Mountains post a while back really hooked into me, and I realized there's this huge landscape I want to explore and I need to get to it.
Also, just started listening to the Old Gods of Appalachia podcast.
Yeah! Go hiking / backpacking! Would love to see more enthusiasts on Ovarit ā¤ļø
OMG static building up and lightning risk! Exciting venture nonetheless. Congratulations on reaching the summit!
Thank you! I was a bit frustrated about the weather because I went early to avoid afternoon thunderstorms (what usually happens if it storms) and here we got a storm before noon. Oh well!
Going back to college. Only one class. I donāt want to say what class but I actually paid out of pocket to try to take it for non credit but it was when my child ended up having a breakdown and going to residential care. I had to drop it and lost my own money.
Iām trying to take it again but this time for credit using my jobās tuition assistance. Iām scared of failing. I also have anxiety on zoom, and sometimes freak out and have to turn my camera off. (Diagnosed and not an exaggeration. I have tried my HARDEST to push through before but last time when I came in unprepared I was literally crying on camera but trying to hide it. Iām not trying to get out of it like some people with mental health trends. This is something I WANT to overcome.)
Iām tempted to go ahead and put in accommodations now asking that if I have a panic attack because of the camera, if I can submit recorded work to make up for it. I donāt even mean like taking a lot of extra time, but maybe if I do have one episode and thereās like a āpop quizā on camera if I submit a recorded one immediately after the class. I just donāt know if a professor would consider this reasonable. I also get scared that by asking for an accommodation ahead of time theyāll be side eyeing me; but in the past when I had a depressive episode I was told essentially, āyou knew you had an existing condition and should have prepared before it became an issue.ā But now mental health is so overused. I have had depression issues off and on for over a decade although the past year has been, for the most part, a period of remission for me.
Also I would appreciate not having comments demonizing meds. Iāve tried to go off Wellbutrin and/or tried other meds multiple times. My life spirals badly each time.
But if anyone else has any suggestions, words of support or any input as someone in academia I would appreciate hearing any of it. I am so scared of failing because this is pre-paid and Iāll lose the ability to get this help in the future if I donāt get at least a C. I think I can. I just have to try hard. (Itās a language course, if that helps and Iām going to go ahead and order the textbook weeks early in the next day or two and start studying now based on the syllabus from previous semesters Iāve found). I already lost FAFSA before because of my abusive relationship and my employer being willing to pre-pay tuition is opening a door I thought had permanently closed for me, and I may even be able to get FAFSA again if I prove that I can get good grades again. Years ago I was a straight A student but years of abuse, and now being a caregiver to a teenager with severe behavioral issues, has made it tough.
Donāt really have anywhere else to discuss this. Just figured Iād drop it here. Feels better to have it off my chest regardless.
Well, I have something in my mind.
Im about to make a five days hiking trip with my best friend, looking forward some days off in the nature.
The problem isā¦ he is a man. Weāve been friends for 6 years throughout college, even after graduation weāve kept in touch, and honestly itās scary how much I missed him, and I have a decent social life with new friends. I am a devout radical feminist, gender non conforming bisexual, committed to the single lifestyle, but recently Iāve been feeling needy, which leads to feeling lowkey attracted to him which is a terrible idea, Iāve never felt this before.
I wish I could be a lesbian and ignore men, most of my relationships with them were a mess. I know crushes say more about the person than the romantic interest, perhaps this is some social programming I cannot seem to get over. Why is it so hard to be single and satisfied with close friends?
Ok rant over.
Keep in mind that a five-day backpacking trip is not conducive to sex, regardless of how you feel š so maybe just explore your feelings for him, and your feelings for feelings, during the trip.
Everyone is different and everyone walks their own path. Oftentimes our paths turn out different than we plan for ourselves. But our plans can be good barriers for keeping us from doing stupid stuff on a whim.
Hopefully I'm making sense. I agree with everything /u/ApricotThoughts said and am expanding my own thoughts.
Have a great trip!
Hahaha true! I couldnāt get a single thought in when I was getting up the mountain using my bare hands! Weāve walked 15km in the first day and I only wanted to get to sleep. I was beat. It was pretty fun though!
We had plenty of time to talk on the 7h drive back though, and Iāve decided to ignore whatever is that attraction. I need a friend more than a sexual relationship or a romantic one. I am not self sabotaging my most successful friendship if I can help it.
Sounds like it was a good trip in more ways than one!
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Bahaha. Sex in a hot spring sounds fun but has the same issues as sex in the shower or hot tub š
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Thank you for the valid points. I agree with everything. Iām rationalizing as always.
Trip is over and it was pretty fun. Iāve kept it exclusively platonic as always, although yes, I have come to admit I am physically attracted to him.
Yes, Iām talking myself out of this attraction for a good reason. He has openly stated he loves me and we will be āfriends foreverā. Plus, my friend is not looking for a girlfriend in the moment, he is dating around. He is a bit of a Don Juan, in love with the romanticism and the idea of a conquest. Also he wants a traditional woman- he is very vocal about someone feminine, that puts on some make up for her man, raise kids etc. Iām not his ideal, by far. While he is a very handsome, Iām not that traditionally pretty. His exes looked like models. Even if I confessed feeling attracted, he would reject me Iām sure. And for what? We donāt see relationships in the same line, I just want someone to make me happy, heās aiming for an idealized woman.
I donāt see how would work together. Plus as he is my closest friend I donāt want to ruin the friendship either. I guess I need to figure this out in therapy- Maybe itās time for me to get back to dating to remind myself there are other amazing men and women out there that would consider me romantically. Thank you for your reply!
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Good points.
Itās hard to imagine that he could be attracted to me because Im the opposite of the girls he usually date. Im too thin, my hair is short and I dress for comfort only something baggy. For men presentation is everything!
I can admit our friendship doesnāt make much sense. We were practically glued at the hip during med school and now we are traveling around in our planned vacations- hiking, the beach, parties, concerts, etc. When we are together everything is good and fun. I guess Iām confused myself I thought it was just a very special bond- I never thought I would consider him romantically. I was a firm believer men and women could just be friends, you know? But an idea of forever sounds romantic in nature- friends come and go, friends donāt plan their lives around each other. Itās a Bromance apperantly hahaha.
Yes, he is the type to date casually because he can, he likes going on dates and getting to know the new partner, he likes the passion, I think?. Ive pointed out to him he had many chances to have a committed relationship with those women but he chose not to.
Funny of you to mention your younger coworker. Heās three years younger than me, when we met it felt like a lot. Now not so much- at least for me. He has always enjoyed older women but now he wants to date younger because āwomen around their 30 are more likely to want a committed relationshipā- which again itās true, Iād hate to become a statistic, worse, adding to his numbers.
I guess Iām afraid he will disappoint me and vice versa- maybe some things are better not knowing. Maybe this is just me self sabotaging. I tend to fall for people out of my reach- as in, I saw him everyday for 6 years and now that he is away on another city I want him? Give me a break.
I donāt trust much my own feelings- and when it comes to reason I can number countless to not pursue him. Although he is very emotionally intelligent, has some ingrained misogynistic/traditional beliefs, he wants a feminine woman- and femininity is always about submission. I donāt see how I would fit into this as I donāt perform femininity in a long time.
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Iād be the first to say all men have misogynistic beliefs. Even the ones Iāve dated that understood feminism would eventually surprise me with a very misogynistic take.
It would be painful to dump him, in any capacity. Heās my best friend for a reason. It would be impossible to drop him without exposing my attraction. But Iām not very good with my feelings- I am not sure I want a relationship either. Just very recently Iāve been feeling a bit better, after loosing my father last year.
But I think you are right- a time away definitely would give him some clarity. The only time weāve grown apart was last year because he was dating and I was dealing with a family crisis. Even so, he asked to see me when he was thinking of breaking up and we went out for drinks. We also celebrated my birthday together per his suggestion. The only time I asked him anything was to come for my dads funeral. Guess thatās when I started to consider him emotionallyā¦ it sounds cliche doesnāt it?
I think you are right- this gender stuff is all bullshit. I canāt believe Iām going through an identity crisis AGAIN in mist of all this. In the past I tried a little harder on my appearance, while still keeping my style. I didnāt give a fuck. I need to find that energy again. I think itās cool how you are in your sixties and still strong on this not-giving-a-fuck attitude! Itās definitely more trying for us women, specially as we age. Yes I admit that looking as I do saves me from being objectified but I hate to feel backed into a corner, like Iām hiding- itās possible to reach a compromise between what I like and what itās comfortable.
I need to refocus on myself- Iām ignoring this situation with my friend altogether for a while- life wonāt stop just because Iāve reached a standstill. Iām trying my hand back at dating and building my confidence again- as if stands itās abysmal. Itās been ages since Iāve worn something I liked and not for work. Feminist or not Im only human- if this is what this crush can teach me- and although being single is great I miss physical affection as well as other benefits from having a partner. Between not knowing and knowing I prefer the latter, and even if I think men are trash, Im still attracted to some, and thatās it.
I donāt mind your wall of text! Your way of writing is very eloquent. Thanks again for listening me out. I guess my therapists will have her work cut out for her hahaha
I
"You make me a better man, a better writer, a better lover," my guy murmured this week after a glorious fuck.
I don't have much to say. My life has gone on as normal. What I do know is not to seek advice in certain places. Some people have no good advice to give so instead give you a lecture without knowing the circumstances in why you sought the advice.
That kind of information is very good to have! It'll save you time and energy in the long run to go to people who you know you can trust to be actually helpful.
It has behooved me to google specific information myself! š
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Looking forward to autumn already? Dang. And those songs by which artists? I'm not familiar with "Deja Vu", but I know two "Cruel Summer" tracks, one by Bananarama and one by Taylor Swift (both are great).
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He's one of the well known people, yeah. The likes of Brad Pitt or George Clooney would have been better . . . but I'm not a Tom Cruise fan so I would've preferred someone else.
The Olympic boxing madness finally peaked my husband, after of years of trying to get him to understand the seriousness of any bit of transactivism, the illogic of gender woo. I had given up. Just casually mentioned the night before the first fight there were two men fighting women, on the premise the men were "intersex women", and the women were sure to be badly hurt or tap out quickly. Next morning text "You were right!" I dropped 5-ARD on him and he went down the rabbit hole.
Good work! A slow burn but the TERF fire burst into flames at last!