In the USA, the attorney general has declared a crisis of loneliness. The phenomenon has been discussed in several op-eds I’ve read, yet no clear solutions or USA-specific causes have been offered. I want to share my perspective for the root cause, a tentative approach to mending it, and solicit more perspectives to supplement my own experience.

My family emigrated from Europe to the USA before I was born, and I have lived in several types of places in the states; I’ve read many pieces on the topic of American loneliness; and I spend a lot of time observing and reflecting on how we got here and where we are going. I’ve put a lot of thought into this topic, and my conclusions are a blend of studies I’ve read, observations I’ve made, and discussions I’ve had with friends and family.

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What is the root cause?

Although people experience loneliness and isolation in every country, studies show that Americans on average experience it at higher levels. What is it about Americans that leads us to be more lonely?

I theorize it is because American culture vaunts individualism above all other qualities. This is reflected in numerous aspects of our ways of life.

Before I continue, I want to make it clear that I am not anti-individualism. I am arguing here that the balance between individualism and collectivism in the USA is skewed so heavily towards individualism that it has led to the crisis of loneliness.

Additionally, this isn’t a moral indictment I am making; I saw a problem (loneliness), isolated what made this country different (high focus on individualism) and am theorizing about how we as a country could shift the culture towards collectivism enough to fix the problem.

I acknowledge that I lean on generalities to make some of my points, and of course there are many examples where some individuals in America buck trends. But culture is shaped by the majority, so I ask that we try not to nitpick that some people don’t do xyz, unless I’ve got the whole trend wrong (of course I’m open to being corrected). To see patterns, generalities are a useful tool.

Examples

Some examples of how the focus on individualism directly leads to loneliness:

1. Many Americans feel no obligation to take care of their parents once the parents are elderly. The parents become isolated. Grandchildren grow up without their grandparents. In many other cultures, this would be disgraceful. In many other cultures, large families share a home or live near one another.

2. Many Americans leave their friends and family behind, in order to move for a better-paying job. (I know we live in a society and I want people to thrive financially, but this is far less common in other places.) In my city, the vast majority of residents aren’t from this state. Many of them will move again before retiring. How can we build long-lasting communities when there is uncertainty about whether our neighbors (or we) will stay put? Why invest too much emotionally or time-wise into relationships, if you know you or they will probably move away? This is, in my opinion, why there is also an over-emphasis on the romantic relationship here: that’s the one person who is guaranteed to stay with you geographically.

3. Unfortunately, some Americans decide to break laws or social norms in order to get ahead. For example, I see many drivers on a regular basis breaking laws to cut in when they do not have right of way. I see young men pushing past others to get ahead in a walkway, instead of letting the mom with a stroller go first. I see groups of people taking up the width of the walkway and letting the oncoming people squeeze against the wall or walk on the road instead of letting them pass kindly. These everyday actions foster a sense of distrust between people, and a sense of unfairness. It is also contagious, and more people will believe that they need to be aggressive to get their way.

I foresee a pushback on number 3, because I know in some other countries, people do push ahead too. But in those other countries, points 1 and 2 do not apply, so the mistrust of others doesn’t lead to a crisis of loneliness because you still have your family and friends nearby.

Points 1, 2, and 3 combined lead to a very common scenario: you move away from home, you encounter a not-too-polite community, you become not-so-interested in connecting with that community, you get a significant other who replaces your need for a community, and now you are isolated with your SO. Almost everyone I know, scattered across cities in the USA, is in that predicament (or worse, SINGLE 😱 and in the predicament).

One major blind spot for me: although I grew up in a smaller town, I haven’t lived in one since adulthood so my observations are probably only applicable to major cities. However, a majority of the population does live in major cities so I think it is still worth discussing.

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The role of technology

Adding on to these observations, tech progress has also naturally caused more isolation. I’m not anti-technology, but this is worth noting.

With the rise of at-home entertainment, people feel less inclined to socialize in their communities. With DoorDash, self checkout, and other services that enhance convenience, even less face-to-face interaction occurs. Studies show that random encounters with familiar faces in your community enhance life satisfaction, so these missing interactions are meaningful.

With the advent of video calling, leaving family behind doesn’t seem so bad— after all, I can facetime mom every week. But the replacement is incomparably paltry. Hugging your family, cooking together, knowing the same neighbors, going to events together, even things like babysitting or pet sitting are all impossible via facetime. This tech enables us to leave our family behind while allowing ourselves to believe we haven’t.

Additional thought, children learn socialization skills during their childhood and adolescence, and it is learned through face-to-face interaction. I wonder, how will the current kids and teens fare in relationships and encountering difficult social situations when they are adults? How will the “iPad kids” fare?

Again, not anti-technology, but it is important to acknowledge its impact.

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What can we do? — in my dreams

If I had true power, I would reform our education system. I’ve never seen anyone in the government talk about this but the way kids are brought up in school has a direct impact on the culture in 20 years. Whereas in other countries whose cultures I admire, following rules, working together, and academic excellence are highly prioritized, public schools in the USA prioritize graduating as many kids as possible (lowering the curriculum standards if needed) so as not to lose funding via the No child left behind act. School officials try to please parents at all costs, which results in teachers having no avenues to discipline kids who are acting out of line. Kids who don’t possess the innate sense of doing right by others, who aren’t taught about it, then learn no consequences and grow up into belligerent adults.

In Japan, kids clean up the classroom each day to learn responsibility and shared goals. There would be uproar in America if someone were to propose this. I noticed when I visited Tokyo that although there were so many people in a rush, no one cut in line and everyone was following the rules, which was a very pleasant experience for me. As a tourist, I was also able to easily see what I was supposed to be doing because everyone was very consistent. But I digress a bit :) the “inconsistent social expectations of America” discussion will have to be another day.

If I had a magic wand, I would reform schools across the United States to improve not only academic outcomes, but also behavioral outcomes. I would do this by

1. Reforming curriculums so the teachers can teach in ways that are proven to improve academic outcome. Curriculums now are sold to schools by for-profit unscientific companies.
2. Allowing teachers to suitably correct incorrect answers and bad behavior without fearing for their jobs. Teachers shouldn’t harm kids, but they should be given the leeway to correct or fairly discipline kids so kids can learn what is right and appropriate. Kids will sometimes feel sad or upset as a result, but this is natural and shouldn’t be avoided at all costs like it currently is.
3. Introducing the paradigm that school is there to shape the next generation, so there should be time devoted to encouraging the values we want to see in the next generation. For example, we could encourage serving your community by having the students clean their own classroom.

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What can we do? — realistic

As with all things, the only thing we can control in this life is our own behavior. I’ve already moved away from home for a well-paying job— in fact, I never even considered applying for a job in my home state. But I have done some things that made a difference for myself, and that I’m hoping will make a difference for the people I meet.

• I made good friends here in my city, and I do right by them. I strive to be a great friend. I make sure to see them each once a week. And they have been lovely right back at me.
• I got involved in a local city matter that could impact the community quality of life where I lived. I went to city hall during open discussion and made my pitch to the council. They seem to have dropped the bad proposal from their plan 🤞
• I’m working with another friend of mine to create a local women’s group centered exactly around working together towards the type of community we wish to live in. We will be brainstorming strategy around what actions we can take to improve friendliness and connectedness.
• I’m pre-planning ahead for when I eventually have a kid: how can I raise the kid to be a good person? How can I raise the kid in a way where she will want to stay nearby, because being with her family is wonderful and there are many opportunities nearby? (Note: I would never pressure or guilt the kid into staying, but I can do my darndest to be a good parent so she’ll want to!)
• As a driver, pedestrian, and member of the community, I am at minimum courteous and considerate towards others. When someone needs to merge, I give them space. When a person who needs to get through and has precedence over me (ie has a stroller or wheelchair etc) I let them go first. I make friendly talk with people when appropriate and when social cues tell me they’re appreciating it.

ETA: My personal dream

Is likely unattainable, but I wish I lived in a neighborhood with people who feel like I do, where our kids can bike around and we have monthly BBQs. I wish I could walk to my friend’s house and ask my neighbor to water my plants when I’m out of town. But… I can only control myself :) so best I can do is try to befriend my neighbors here, despite our isolated culture, and I’m making progress!

Closing thought

I have high hopes for the USA. I know things aren’t going amazing, but I don’t think it is right to give up. I think the USA is in grave need of a shuffle in cultural values, and top-of-mind for me is dethroning the almighty “I’m allowed to do what I want!” attitude that I strongly suspect has led us into this period of loneliness. What are your thoughts?