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PollWhich of your parents was more often the “bad cop”?
110 votes
My dad was amazingly passive and uninvolved, my mom was the everything cop.
Mine, too. My dad was actually my stepdad and my mom didn't let him have a say when it came to me. Every time he tried to contribute, she shut him down. :( I wish he had had more of a say.
My mom has passed, and I haven't had time to grieve. My stepdad is my best friend. And my lil sister. I was raped the summer after 6th grade by a neighbors boyfriend - it was traumatic af. I had never even kissed a boy yet. My mom blamed herself, I blamed the rapist, my stepdad blamed the rapist ... My bio dad who I am now NC with? Hr blamed my mom, and used this to get custody of my brother and I. He used the belt a lot. My mom and stepdad never physically punished us. I blamed myself. That man who is my bio dad? Cop, 30+ years , retired now. So my bad cop parent actually legit was the cop. It made having my teachers call the cops for mandatory CPS reports for our bruising suck even harder.
We had good memories too, but everything under his roof was about control. Control and Image/Admiration.
0/10 do not recommend. Don't date cops either. They do a weird amt of stalking and harassing and other creepy shit ... ... And cheat.
That's kind of sweet that your stepdad is your best friend. He must be a good man.
My mother is a lovely woman with astonishing anger issues. There was no "just wait until your father gets home!" threat for us. It was definitely "You'd better hope your father gets home before I do."
Knowing now how badly she was abused growing up, I have forgiven her for losing it sometimes. She did not learn how to apologize to her children; but I learned how to apologize to mine.
My parents didn't really do a "good cop, bad cop" routine. It was more, my mom was in charge and meted out punishments. I do feel that my dad kinda opted out and left everything to her, and I chose "mom" in the survey, because I do get the impression that he was happy to be the fun parent and let my mom be the unfun parent.
(However, I was actually a really well behaved child, so I can only reall one or perhaps two instances that a punishment was actually warranted, and then it was over me not doing my homework or not tidying up my room. Perhaps my dad would actually have said something if I did something major, but I never did.)
My Dad was great and loving and fabulous, but he did delegate that unpleasant task to mom.
My mom mainly did the discipline but I think I was spanked like fewer than 10 times my whole life. My parents were more the "stern talking to" type, and honestly I was well-behaved and sensitive enough that if they furrowed their eyebrows at me I was like "I'M SORRY, I DON'T EVEN DESERVE TO BE HERE!!"
The fact that I have any semblance of a spine now is shocking, all considered.
The lectures! I had those too, and the self-abnegation whenever I wasn't perfect.
It was my mom, however, it was NOT the "goofy/stupid passive 'fun' dad vs competent 'unfun' mom that actually enforces rules/boundaries" type of thing.
My mom has very clear mental/emotional struggles. I can make plenty of guesses as to why, but she would often take out her own struggles on me or others in the family. My mom was the bad cop in the sense that she often assumed the worst of me; idk if it's because she did those things growing up and assumed I'd be doing the same thing or what, but it was very frustrating since, all things considered, I was a very mild child growing up. To the point where I could've stood to actually do some bad things once in a while to build some more character lol. There were times where she was abusive/neglectful. She tended to be passive/totally uninvolved, until suddenly she felt I was doing something she didn't like or decided to suddenly enforce an expectation she'd never made clear to me before. My dad was not a perfect parent by any means, but there were a lot of times where he had to stand up for me. If anything, there are times where I became passive myself for things that actually mattered, and I wished he had held my feet to the fire more.
Basically, I felt like my mom often tried to yell at me or punish me for problems that didn't exist (or had nothing to do with me), whereas I felt like my dad ignored or was passive during moments when I actually could have used the theoretical kick in the butt. A frustrating way to grow up, and I feel it's affected me in that sometimes I can be wishy-washy and constantly second guessing myself in situations whether I'm making the right choice or not.
My mother was definitely the bad cop, although my father was extremely involved in parenting (and remember, I'm in my sixties). My mother beat the crap out of my brothers, and one was in therapy for years because of it. My dad never laid a hand on us.
Mom decided when we were punished; Dad would then whip us with his belt with her approval. Which one would you consider the disciplinarian?
I was a perfect angel so no one had to be a cop.
Interesting. Was it a people-pleasing strategy or are you a natural rule-respector?
If I really think deeply about it I'd have to say Mum. She was the one who would say "I'll wash your mouth out with soap!", chased my sister and I around the tree in the back yard and when she caught us banged our heads together. Dad had a leather strap but I can only remember him threatening to use it.
I wish I could remember more.
Dad had a leather strap but I can only remember him threatening to use it.
Threats of violence count.
Idk neither of my parents really liked me. They both wigged out on me for really inconsequential shit.
I was at a sleepover with my best friend and we decided to crawl out the window and knock on the door as a prank. Her mom who was also insane reacted extremely angry and then told my parents and took me home and they both beat the shit out of me over it so
Neither, really. My mom enforced punishments, but I never felt like my parents had this dynamic. It's just that my mom dealt with the daily parenting and my dad left her to it for the most part. I wouldn't say she was a "bad cop." We had rules and consequences and were expected to behave, but she was never harsh.
Mom was the one who policed us for actual matters like behavior/laziness, school issues, fighting amongst siblings etc. Even if she got it wrong a lot of the time... both in the truth of the matter and the handling of it.
"Dad" couldn't give a fuck about that. But that didn't stop him from using us as living, breathing stress dolls to hurt, scare, or humiliate for no real reason except his entertainment, and for his bad days. But that also counts as a bad cop, I suppose.
Mum, not that I needed that sort of thing much. Father had pissed off by the time I was nine.
Neither, they were pretty even handed when it came to this stuff. As I got older I would know which parent would be more likely to be upset about a specific thing and would manipulate the situation a bit to get to the one less likely to be bothered first, but in general, they were a good team as parents. They both genuinely like being with kids, other than the actual breastfeeding of infants they really did have a very even role as parents.