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Gaslighting doesn't usually go from 0-100 in a week. It's a slow process that escalates, like the frog in a pot of boiling water. It's often really, really hard to see. The good thing is that you've seen it and now you know what it's like and hopefully you can avoid men like this in the future. Take care of yourself.
Thanks. I feel like shit lol. At least I'm mad now and don't have to pine over him because it wasn't real.
Please don't beat yourself up over this. It's so easy to fall for this crap. Abusive, manipulative men are so good at what they do. Chalk it up as a lesson learned so you never have to experience this again.
I do think abusive men are deceptive from the very beginning. At the start it would be impossible to know because he would be lying about his intent or his past relationships, or other things where she wouldn't have any way of catching him. As time goes on there is more shared history so more of his lies would be about things where his partner could know the truth.
For example, I was pretty sure a man I dated was lying about his relationship with his ex at the very beginning of our relationship but I didn't know for sure until he was saying the exact same things about our relationship afterwards.
I agree that they are deceptive from the beginning. But I want OP to know that she's not stupid for falling for this. These types of men are good at manipulating and deceiving and she's not dumb for not seeing this sooner than she did, because it starts small and builds over time.
Oh, I agree. Totally not her fault! We've all been there and it's impossible to know at first.
It's easier for an outside to see what you don't, so I always think it's worth hearing what someone says( of course not all advice is equal). Because if you're both looking at a situation and they're saying something stinks it never hurts to check in with yourself and use some resources to make sure. The human brain is very adaptable and will make every new thing your new normal.
And absolutely, you are never just angry for no reason, you're reacting to something. Always listen to yourself, I know we second guess ourselves and wonder if we're just being crazy, silly, overreacting etc. But trust yourself, you know when something is up.
I was so, SO hard on myself this past year and now I feel sorry for my past self. I didn’t deserve it and there was nothing wrong with me. I felt like there was nothing good about me and why would someone so awesome want to be with me. I don’t think he intentionally made me feel that way but he also never said good things about me unless I brought up feeling that way so. I want to scream at him but I deleted everything and it wouldn’t make a difference anyways.
Absolutely, and you were absolutely amazing. There is no world you weren't good enough for him, because you're a good person and he's a trash bag. Whatever else is going on, that alone makes you leagues above him.
Good call on deleting, don't communicate with him anymore because it'll just feed hise go at this point. If he didn't care during the relationship, he certainly won't now.
You deserve someone who loves you and makes that known all the time.
Thank you. What’s also crazy is I have been in a relationship before where I was loved and he made it known, and I didn’t act out like I did in this one. I was wondering why am I doing this again? I thought it was just me. It would drive me crazy that he’d say he loved me more than I him because it’s like, why can’t you see how much I love you?? But it was all projection.
If you are questioning the situation you feel you can't trust those close to you with this( sometimes even when we can prepare so male centric that they'll gaslight you too! Oh he didn't mean it, what did you say etc), and even if you want that third opinion please look online. There are so many articles detailing abuse, gaslighting, and emotional abuse symptoms.
This is just one quiz:
https://www.verywellmind.com/am-i-being-gaslighted-7562452
Now all the questions might not be as easy as "sometimes" and "frequently", but they make you think of your own dynamic and instances where things might of made you feel like you're questioning reality and your judgement. If they make you question your judgement that's a red flag for sure, your own opinion and memory is how we navigate the world and I find it particularly evil when people target that.
Love your anger! It is teaching you. Good for you for seeing it at last.
So sorry you went through this, so glad you're out of it.
Unfortunately, women are very much socialized to take on the burden of making relationships of all kinds function and run smoothly. Part of that socialization is to doubt our instincts, give up our authority and internalize what other people say as if it's truth. We (especially straight women) also tend to idealize men and too often, that tendency is reinforced by other women who also idealize/romanticize men. Two books written by men which cut through that idealization (and that I think every woman should read) are Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? and Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear. I also recommend Jess Hill's See What You Made Me Do.
Best Wishes on your healing. Be good to yourself.
I honestly think we all have to learn these things through our own experience. Unfortunate but, it seems, true.
"nobody is above being deceived"
This is absolutely true.
It would be great if we could get to a place as a society where women could warn the next woman but sadly many women would believe to the man love-bombing her over the ex and assume the ex was jealous. Though, it might not be a bad idea to send a message her way that she can choose to take or leave and if she ever starts doubting herself then she will have that in the back of her mind.
I've been listening to this podcast: https://www.buzzsprout.com/985186/episodes. It's given me lots of validation for one of my exes. (I'm going to make a top level post with this rec because there are sooo many of us.)
Best wishes in your healing!
I have no idea who she is, she’s in a different country. I have a feeling it’s his ex but I didn’t ask and I don’t want to know. I told him I meant nothing to him which he denied but I should have told him to eat shit before I deleted all means of communication.
Hey, i'm sorry you have to deal with the rage. I have it as well and for pretty much the same reason.
I’m sorry you’re going through it but I’m glad I’m not the only one. I do not have good wishes for him.
While none of us has had your exact experience, yup, we’ve all been played
Hope you heal stronger!!
When you’re wearing rose colored glasses all red flags just look like flags.
We’ve all been here before. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It will be ok. Be angry. Your anger is justified.
Thats brilliant, can I borrow it?
I got it from bojack horseman. Go ahead 🖤