28
Need Advice or SupportI can’t seem to listen to music anymore
Music was a huge part of my identity. But now if I listen to the things I used to listen to, I just wind up feeling upset or triggered. It seems like no matter what I do, if I listen to music I’ll just cry. It’s not something I can do ad a recreational activity anymore.
If I listen to the stuff I listened too as a child or preteen, I cry. If I listen to the things I listened to as a teenager, it will be fun but then I’ll become sad.
If I listen to the stuff I listened too in my 20s I just feel sharp pain in my chest after a while, or I’ll cry.
I was turned down romantically a few months back, and the music we listened to will rip those wounds open.
I’m now afraid to even look for new music anymore. For fear that the Nee song I discover will become another trigger for tears later down the line.
I can’t quite pinpoint when this became a solid thing, but I went to school for audio engineering a few years ago. 90% of my fellow classmates were boys fresh out of HS. I was 28. It was the loneliest time of my life.
Most of what we were learning was around recording music. I got to see first hand how much of a boys club the music and entertainment industry is.
It was so traumatic, I couldn’t even bring myself to launch into the cutthroat entertainment industry. I was out of gas before getting off the ground.
I don’t want to blame my inability to listen to music to this experience, but god. It’s killing me yall. I just want to be able to enjoy music again without it causing me to be triggered or crying.
I was a metalhead from the time I was 13 up until… idk 29? I always thought I’d be able to rely on music to be my anchor. But I fear by pushing myself into school for audio engineering, I’ve destroyed my ability to even listen to music. I just wanted to learn how to preserve and record more beautiful music for the world. Now I can’t even listen to beautiful music without wanting to cry. All because of how horribly isolated I felt by being a woman trying to learn amongst boys.
Thus is all so distressing. Thank you for letting me spill this mess out. I’m going to speak about this with my therapist.
I have a few minor problems with this but here's where I really take issue.
Rape is functionally decriminalized. Saying that it being illegal doesn't change anything isn't telling the whole story. I don't know a single acquaintance or friend who has been raped who even bothered contacting law enforcement. Often there's a bunch of reasons for that, but "what's the point?" is a HUGE one. I remember the Stanford rape trial, I remember the girl who was raped by a dorm neighbor at Harvard, high profile cases with sympathetic victims where literally nothing happened to the rapists. (I mean I guess the Stanford rapist got a tiny slap on the wrist but it was a fucking joke.)
A victim who goes to law enforcement is usually treated like garbage and for what? Cops to not even bother bringing the rapist in? Oh, maybe it actually goes to trial... just for the rapist to get praised for his sport abilities in open court?
Rapists don't think twice before raping because they know that even though it's illegal there are no actual consequences. There need to be more Larry Nassars, more rapists who are actually punished. And the punishments need to be swift and severe.
If someone steals my car, that really would suck for me, it might be a horrible inconvenience and screw things up a lot, but I wouldn't have nightmares for the rest of my life about it. Why is the punishment for stealing a car harsher than rape? Why should teenage girls have to bear some weird conservative burden on having safe, healthy, age appropriate sexual interactions (and not pornsick ones - I agree that is something that also needs to change) because we refuse to lock up and actually punish men that feel like they have a right to rape?