As an older woman, this is very worrisome. I know I'm from a different generation but for a boyfriend to present a dangerous fetish as his desired first experience is a huge red flag. Find someone who cherishes you and wants an emotional connection vs. a porn experience.

Why are you with him? He's boring and he wants to do things you don't want to do. He's not romantic and into fetishes. Why are you with him?

Taking this to a sexologist seems completely over the top to me. Why? Just break up. Frankly, I find your story a bit bizarre. I don't understand why you want to be in a relationship with this man.

And the truth is, I am not even interested in sex anymore. I have no interest in having my first sexual debut with any man.

Are you even attracted to your boyfriend?

You sound rather unenthusiastic. Once upon a time, I assumed sexual attraction was a given, but over time, I have heard of so many women who just are with a man because they want to have a man in their life, and the guy was available, not because they're in love or at least lust.

So, I gotta ask.

I've tried to teach him how to stimulate me, but he's horrible at it.

I'm confused - did you have sex, or didn't you?

All in all, I have to agree with what others here said - it seems the best solution would be to break up.

DUMP HIM!! For the love of God run for the hills. Throw this one back out sis, he's not the one.

I stopped reading at BDSM

Run. Run. Don't subject yourself to this. If he can't be interested in you without wanting to harm you or himself, this isn't healthy. Find a partner that isn't pornsick.

Also, outside of him - regarding experience in sex. Take the time on your own to experiment with what you like, and what feels good, at your own pace and privacy. There's no pressure of needing to please another partner, of worrying if they're bored waiting for you, and you get to find out what you like and what isn't okay. Not interested in sex? That's fine. Only want "boring vanilla"? What's wrong with that if it gets the job done.

You shouldn't ever feel pressured to do something you don't want to do, especially if you don't enjoy it.

Bluntly: you two aren't compatible. And it would be wise to end this gracefully and civilly before things get complicated and potentially dangerous.

If you manage to end it earlier rather than later, the chances are higher that you could remain good friends if he's someone you otherwise love and value.

The alternatives are a deeply unsatisfying sexual relationship for one or both of you, or opening up your relationship so he can get the BDSM stuff elsewhere.

I don't understand if 'my boyfriend and I haven't had our sexual debut yet' means that neither of you have had sex before or you have not had sex with each other?

It is very normal that a woman who is being pressured into sex acts that make her uncomfortable by a man who has no interest in her sexual pleasure will be turned off the idea of sex. Why would you be interested in something that gives you no pleasure? If you met someone else who was interested in resiprical sexual enjoyment you would be more interested in sex.

Unfortunately there are nieve people that think having a kink is some kind of identity that needs to be respected and indulged by other people. It isn't and you don't have to. It makes even less sence for him to be so attached to BDSM when he has little or no experience of sex.

It sounds like you would be happier if you were either single or with someone else you were sexually compatable with. Maybe a man who doesn't think that porn is a mandatory script for what couples should do in the bedroom. Based on what you have said, it seems doubtful if this relationship is really worth the effort.

It is probably better not to be in this relationship. You could try to avoid sex and continue the relationship, but the vast majority of people will not tolerate this and will begin to pressure you/threaten abandonment. The heartache headed your way is not worth it if you are not willing to satisfy his fetishes.

You could also try telling him “no” and seeing where that goes. Some men will hear no and respect it, but the vast majority won’t.

female domination

Run. This is not going anywhere good. He will resent you for not wanting to cater to him and guessing his needs. eta: He needs to pay for a dom, he wants free sex work from you.

I think you've answered your own question. He bores you. He wants things sexually that you don't want. You feel uncomfortable and pressured to be someone that you aren't.

Your discomfort with the situation is telling you something that you should pay attention to. Breakups are really hard, but maybe it's time to let go; you clearly want different things from a relationship.

Why stay with him? He has at least one fetish of hurting you. That’s a red flag. He doesn’t satisfy you and he’s boring. Another red flag.

Sometimes in relationships we go through patches where we don’t have sex as much, but there’s still (or should) intimacy.

I do agree lots of men aren’t good in the bedroom and have no desire to learn. But you shouldn’t HAVE to be the one to teach him.

I personally wouldn’t be with a guy who watches porn or has fetishes that will harm you.

If it were me, I’d just break up.

I would have run at the first mention of BDSM. Even if he's the one wanting to be hurt, he obviously has a very unhealthy view of sexuality.

This boyfriend will likely never be able to have truly intimate sex. I massively regret any time spent in relationships with men with any longterm porn consumption (and the fetishes/kinks they inevitably inspire).

I would honestly only give him a chance to learn how truly messed up the porn industry is. Most people don't know that the porn industry is not separate from human trafficking at all and the BDSM videos he has been watching have most likely been drugged up/minors/human trafficking victims that are being abused to satisfy porn watchers like him.

There are people who genuinely don't know that they have been watching recorded rapes but once they do learn there is an actual victim suffering and this is a huge human rights violations turning them on- they stop. It's like, how can you continue? It's just training your body to see actual pain suffered by victims as something to be attracted to.

But there are also plenty of men who learn and either put their head in the sand, like it MORE because of it, or don't care and won't stop. Any man who doesn't stop when knowing it, is a man who doesn't even care that children and women are being trafficked and raped for his arousal- and will always be a man who not even close to capable of caring about women or will ever make a woman really orgasm.

Also check out this site: https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-negatively-impact-relationship/

The bottom line is that sex between two inexperienced lovers is going to be clumsy and awkward at best. That's fine and normal—neither of you should expect to act experienced when you have none. Practice and teaching your partner how to please you can be a loving, bonding experience together. But you both need to want to do that, and it doesn't seem like you're willing or ready to try (and that's okay, too). Just listen to your heart on this because nobody here on Ovarit or anywhere else knows your situation better than you do. Don't let yourself get pressured into anything you don't want to do.

Okay I've decided to share my contrarian hot take because I see too many comments here written by people who saw the word BDSM and their eyes glazed over in rage and didn't actually read what you said. Which is of course fair and understandable, but still not right. You deserve to have your entire post be read and considered for your advice. Don't listen to advice from anyone who clearly does not understand your situation even though you explained it to them.

To preface this, it's important to me to say "you should never feel like you have to do something you don't want to sexually" and to remind you (and others) that what you've told us here is only a small part of your relationship. Not just in the "sex isn't everything" way either. How does he treat you generally? Does he help you out, support you, ask if you need help or support because he can tell you're not feeling well? What is it like day-to-day being with him? Do you have any complaints with him outside of this?

So to address just the bit you shared: in my personal experience, a lot of men (and perhaps the only men) who are the rare few who actually care about and love women get sucked into specifically femdom BDSM (which is different from the 99.9% maledom BDSM that almost everyone else seems to have overlooked) because it's the only "counter" to the other awful BDSM narrative. Like I cannot stress enough that literally every man is online watching porn and getting fed kinks and fetishes, and this includes "the good ones." But the good ones do not get into regular BDSM and strangulation and anything physically harmful to women, that repulses good men. But modern society (and male sexuality patterns) tells them they gotta explore fetishes, but all fetishes are male-serving first and last, so the closest kink that's ""nice to women"" (please note the quotes here) is femdom. It absolutely also attracts lazy men who think women should serve them (which is part of why the quotes are there) but, again in my experience, the only good men left are probably into femdom because it's a normalized corruption of their enjoyment of prioritizing pleasing women and there's basically zero porn anywhere that focuses on actual female pleasure. Femdom porn is the closest men can get, and the saddest part is it's not even that close.

He might be bad at pleasing you because he doesn't care about your pleasure, but he might be bad at it because he's never had sex before and has been fed a diet of male-focused porn where women lie-act orgasms over nothing so he has no fucking clue what he should be doing. I'm sure you've told him what he's doing doesn't work for you already. Do you know how to tell him what does? Do you know what pleases you?

(I get that lesbian and bi women sometimes go "but why do you have to ask if he really cares he could figure out how to rub the clit just like we do" but with all due respect you ladies are women lol. of fucking course you know how to rub a clit, you have one! you have experience and practice even if you've never been with a woman yet! men do not. if you wanna be with a man you have to teach him in excruciating detail, and if not, he's only good because some woman somewhere already did that for you. it's an unfortunate double-standard of dicks being extremely easy to please by design--both in a male-sexuality sense and a "it's a huge-ass cylinder there's infinitely more surface area to work with" sense. but there's just no way around it.)

So I also think you should find out what he means by "femdom" exactly. Because again, everything online is pornified and kink-ified to the extreme now. It's actually the same mentality plaguing gendies: if you like wearing pants and you're female you're trans. If you're a guy who likes women-on-top positions and/or doesn't like the idea of taking advantage of women you're into hardcore femdom. There are no neutral or healthy spaces for sex online. Everything and everyone gets corrupted into kink if you go looking, and unfortunately most men do.

I absolutely do not think your first sexual experiences should be kink-based, but that's the thing: maybe he doesn't even want that either. It's a huge mess and the only way to find out is to ask, and ask him. Not a third party, neither online or a sexologist. Ask him.

I'm absolutely not going to recommend you stay with him for the whole "non-aggressive men get put in the femdom pipeline" reason, but neither am I going to say it's a no-brainer "dump him" situation (like is usually the case on most advice forums, here is no different lol). He needs to put forth the same amount of effort you do into finding out how to please you. You're looking up all this shit online about how to make him feel good, what is he doing for you? And keep in mind that, again, female-focused porn, sexual advice, everything is a needle in a haystack. There's a million "how to have sex with men" videos and articles that are actually accurate and basically nothing of the sort for your side, they're all either wrong or hidden in the 1000th page of Google. He's going to have a harder time finding genuinely good stuff like that if he even wants to. Unfortunately and like like everything else, it falls on women themselves to fix this problem.

He should be asking you anyway though, I need to emphasize that. He can be a clueless doofus for sure, but if he cares about you he won't just copy-paste what the Internet told him onto you but he'd actually ask you if he's doing it right. Does he talk to you about all this, does he ask you if he's pleasuring you properly?

I think you should ask yourself the questions I posed, think about what you want out of this relationship and what makes you happy, and come to your own decision based on everything you know about him and yourself that we don't.