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What sort of support did y'all look for during pregnancy/birth?
What do you think of doulas, midwives, etc? What did you do / who did you hire yourself? What was helpful, and what wasn't?
I'm pregnant for the first time, and this is really a whole world I know nothing about. I would appreciate any advice or experiences — for various reasons I'm kind of on my own out here haha.
EDIT: Y'all I am blown away by all the wonderful advice and experiences. I'm kind of emotional about it tbh. Thank you so very very much <3
It’s worth having someone with you who knows you, knows your pain tolerance, knows how you communicate. The midwives in the hospital told me I couldn’t possibly be in labour because I didn’t look like I was in pain. By the time they realised the mistake the contractions were all done and it was time to push. The only reason that didn’t happen in the car park was because I had someone to argue and persuade the midwives on my behalf, I was too busy! Persuasion worked better than arguments fwiw.
Oh shoot I'm so glad you had someone with you!!! That is really excellent to know, thank you!!!
I am 8 months pregnant with my second right now.
I mainly just read books and go to my appointments. I also attend the classes hosted for free by local hospitals (I am in the US), which were very helpful and informative in my first pregnancy especially. Highly recommend those.
I did not hire a doula or anything like that. Seems like a waste of money to me, although given my birth experience with my first, I can see how it would have helped to have better support. I ended up way more medicated than I should have been, having gone in with intention of taking no narcotic pain relief. The nurses pushed it on me over an epidural, which was administered very late (almost too late), and then my newborn was sleepy from the narcotic and not able to nurse well. That started us off on the wrong foot with breastfeeding and we never recovered.
Pregnancy doesn't have to be a huge life changing thing really-- every woman handles it her own way. I try to enjoy as much as I can and just get on with the rest. I have very bad morning sickness, honestly I think hyperemesis gravidarum, so I had to work around that quite a bit. If you have a lot too, I have some tips.
I did attend a La Leche League meeting for the first time recently, which was nice. I failed to establish breastfeeding with my first, so I am hoping to do better this time for several reasons, mainly health and cost. Formula was very very expensive. The women there were way more granola than me, but I do recommend that if you can find a meeting near you. I know that TIMs like to butt into those meetings, but I was lucky and there were none at the one I attended. I would have immediately left if there were.
The book I read and thought was most helpful was Expecting Better by Emily Oster. She talks about the science behind pregnancy recommendations. Many are based on little to no actual science. Some really are. It's good to know what is based on actual research and what isn't.
Books on newborns/young babies that I really liked were: Precious Little Sleep (mainly the blog, but I gift the book to my friends), Happiest Baby on the Block, Bringing up Bebe, and The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. FYI newest edition of the Womanly Art is getting transed, and it is not always the most scientific from what I can tell, but I really wish I had read during my first pregnancy.
Definitely research the hospitals carefully. I did not with my first, and I super regretted it. The nurses were very mean, and apparently this is known in my community about that hospital. Everyone goes to the one I am going to now for a reason. Don't be different just to be different... there's usually a reason why certain OBs are hard to get or certain hospitals are where everyone else goes.
I also had a terrible experience with my OB missing a very obvious birth defect with my first pregnancy. Read up on what testing is available (NIPT, nuchal fold, should both be done if you want to be screened for Downs and other common genetic birth defects), and the checklists for anatomy scans. Specifically ask the ultrasound tech if she sees all four limbs and hands and feet. Specifically ask about cleft palates, things like that. I really wish I had done that. It's way better to know and know early than to be surprised when the baby is born like I was.
Oh and check with your insurance about what is covered, what you need to get pre-authorization a for, what your labor and delivery will cost, your deductible, etc., if you are in the US. My sister was surprised that her prenatal care was not free, as Obamacare was supposed to make it covered. Employers only have to cover it under one plan, so unless you have the most expensive plan, it likely is not covered. Also, NIPT is expensive. They offer discounts if it is not covered by insurance, which it usually is not if you are under 35. Stupid of them, but anyway. It's still $400-600 discounted. I think it's worth it. I should have been covered this time, but stupidly did not double check and I needed to get it pre-authorized. Having to fight my insurance about it now, even though I pay for the most expensive plan. Don't be like me! Read up in advance. You may also want to go ahead and budget for your delivery costs. You will definitely meet your deductible this year!
Also, figure out how to add your child to your insurance when he or she is born.
And congrats! Motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me. I hope it is for you too!
Thank you; I'm very excited! And congratulations to you!!! <3
I am getting the books you recommended and will be checking/following up on the other things you spoke about. Honestly none of it was really on my radar so I very much appreciate it. I've actually been lucky so far in that I don't seem to have too many symptoms other than ambient fatigue/nausea — but all the other women in my family get morning sickness terribly, so I will follow up if that comes up.
I can't thank you enough for sharing this and the time it took to do so!
You are welcome! Since bad morning sickness runs in your family (does in mine too):
Be prepared for at least 6 weeks of the worst nausea of your life. Weeks 6-12 are the worst for me, with everything peaking at week 9. I couldn't eat anything but ice chips or popsicles by that point this pregnancy and I lost 15 pounds. You may need to WFH or take a break from work for a while. Thank God for COViD, as I had to muscle through with my first pregnancy. That was bad, but with a girl this time it was horrible.
In both pregnancies, for me it got to the point of taking some medication or going to the hospital where they would medicate me anyway. There is a long history of medications used for morning sickness and allegations of them causing birth defects. Expecting Better talks a bit about it but does not get into full detail.
At the hospital they will give you a narcotic (phenergan/promethazine). Not sure that's been studied, but personally I wanted to avoid narcotics during pregnancy at all costs. Thus, my goal was to avoid hospitalization at all costs. The other thing a doc may prescribe is Zofran/ondansetron. That has recently been linked to birth defects. It's too early to know if those allegations are accurate. So I avoided this also.
In the 60s and 70s, there was a drug used called thalidomide. It DID cause birth defects, specifically shortened upper limbs. It is no longer given to pregnant women, obviously, but the catastrophe that it was caused the medical community to be much much more cautious about prescribing for pregnant women for the next couple of decades. This waxes and wanes.
The drug after that was called Bendectin. In the 80s, there were lawsuits similar to the thalidomide suits alleging birth defects for it. But here's the catch: it was taken off the market in the US, but not in other countries. And due to the concern of birth defects, it got scrutinized to hell. So now, Bendectin is actually recognized as one of the few completely safe medications for morning sickness/pregnancy (Category A). It is now sold as prescription Diclegis in the US again. This is what I use.
Here is the real kicker: you can get it prescribed at a pretty steep price, or you can roll your own. All it is is Unisom (doxylamine succinate) and Vitamin B6. That's it. Evidently Diclegis is more of an extended release formula, but I just take half a pill of Unisom at night with my prenatal vitamin, and it makes enough of a difference that I can hold down food. I started taking it at week 9 in both pregnancies. In both pregnancies, if I stopped I was noticably more nauseated and would still puke even into third trimester. My nausea is horrible while pregnant. I am still nauseated even now, but it is tolerable on Unisom (barely).
Now, all of that said: My first child was born without his lower left arm. So I can't tell you to do what I did and it was all fine. It was not. But my daughter allegedly has all four limbs intact and has been screened much better. She is not born yet so I can't know for sure. But I have been told that my son's birth defect (which is different from the thalidomide ones, it looks different), was spontaneous and not caused by anything I did. I was not on any medication but prenatal vitamins when it would have happened at 6-8 weeks gestation. I still wonder sometimes if it was my fault, and I tried so hard to stay off any meds with my daughter just in case. But I felt so sick, and it was the least bad option. My pee had turned red by the time I broke down and took the unisom with her, so literally I almost went into kidney failure. I did my best.
One thing no one ever says to pregnant women is that it's a gamble every time. You picture a perfect newborn who is fully intact and whole, but that may not be the newborn you get. I can tell you, that newborn will still be perfect to you. I hope that your baby is born completely healthy, but if not, it is not the end of the world. Every child is truly a blessing. My son is completely fine, and he is normal. We are just in a horrible society that excludes disabled people from the definition of "normal", even though it is normal for disabled people to be born and exist everywhere.
As an aside: in the US, if you take a generic or use an OTC medication off label, it is way harder to sue (read: impossible) if you are harmed by it. Lots of complex legalese reasons why. But if you use a brand name medication as intended, you preserve your right to sue. This is why Diclegis is probably so expensive. It also may be a reason why you would want to pay for it anyway. I opted not to both times, as with all the studies I think it would be really hard to succeed in any case. But food for thought.
Anyway, I didn't want to put all that in the main post, but since you have a lot of sickness in your family I hope this is helpful!
I read books and attended the birth class offered by insurance. I'm not in the US and births here are a very different thing. I was never pushed medication or epidurals. I had a water birth in hospital with my first. Doctors were not present during birth, just the hospital midwife. It wasn't allowed to bring your own midwife. I would say make your mind whether you want pain medication or not and have an idea of other things you might want or not, but be flexible because sometimes things can go more difficult than expected.
Ah that sounds really lovely; I hope it was. I'm thinking no medication but that's big talk for someone who hasn't given birth, I know. And that's good to keep in mind, to be flexible. Thank you so much!
I had doulas, which were -- at that time -- provided for me at no charge by the hospital at which I gave birth. I'm afraid the hospital no longer offers that program, though. The doulas were fantastic, though -- excellent support.
I would have to hire one, but luckily even where I am in a large city there are still a good choice of doulas who eschew "birthing people" language and just use woman/mother, which is encouraging. I might just get a consult and see if it feels right. Thank you so much!
For my first, I joined a bump group and dug around for a doctor with really good reviews and recommendations about listening to her patients. You have to be able to be honest and candid with your care giver during pregnancy and delivery. I also bought my husband a book called the birth partner and insisted he read it. Highly recommend for whoever is going to be there with you in the delivery room. I’m currently pregnant with #3 and # 4. This time I’m taking the hospital tour again and joined a multiples group specifically because I need the support on what to do with two babies at the same time. Mom groups can be invaluable. Local ones will know about obgyns, mfm, pediatricians, and pediatric dentists and know how staff at the local hospitals will treat you. They’ll also be able to recommend a lot of kid friendly activities in your own area.
Ah congratulations; that's wonderful news! I did not even think about my husband to be honest haha I will def get him that book! I will also look into local mom groups, especially where we'll be moving to. Thank you so very much!!!
Thank you and you’re welcome! I avoided local mom groups at first because everyone makes fun of them for being sources of drama, but it’s definitely worth it.
Honestly, none. I read some books. I attended obs-gyn appoints as required. Otherwise I didn't do anything. I reckoned that when the time came that baby was coming out one way or another. 1 induction, 1 birth in the car on the way to the hospital, 1 emergency cesarean.
Love this approach haha — it's good to know it works out even if you don't do one million extra things. I think I let myself get stressed when people started asking me questions that I had not even considered, much less had answers to. Thank you so much!
Total congratulations!!!!! A really good book that surveys many alternatives is Your Best Birth: Know All Your Options, Discover the Natural Choices, and Take Back the Birth Experience
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0446538140/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Study it out--there is tons of info out there! You will figure out what makes you feel most at ease. I had a hospital birth with my first that was horrible. Second baby I was able to find a free-standing birth center with CNMs. Rest of the babies I used direct-entry midwives and had home births. It was a learning process; a real journey. But I'm here to warn you--do not go into a hospital until you understand what you will be facing. Don't go like a lamb to the slaughter like I did with my first because you didn't understand what would be happening in a typical hospital birth!
Oh my goodness thank you so much — I've purchased that book!!
I was absolutely just going to go to a hospital because I had never really thought about it. I really appreciate you sharing your experience!!!
Check out C-section rates. My hospital had a fairly low rate given that it's the hospital that works with the most at risk patients in the area. My experience was more medicalized than I would have preferred, but nothing was egregious. We don't have birthing centers anywhere near me.
My one regret was that after my epidural failed I ended up on narcotic pain relief without really understanding what I was agreeing too (I was desperate and very out of it because the epidural made my blood pressure plummet. It wasn't really anyone's fault, though I should have looked into it ahead of time so that I could meaningfully consent or refuse). Narcotic pain relief sucks and makes it really, really hard to breastfeed, because I was super out of it after birth and my baby was too sleepy to eat.
If you plan to get an epidural know that the most common epidural complication is that it doesn't work out, so still prepare for a birth without pain relief. Breathing exercises and positions and a doula are all very helpful.
If you’re in the US, you can check out the leap frog group’s website and look for your hospital under the labor and delivery section and see what their interventions rates are, if they participate.
And not all hospitals are the same . . . Some can be horrible and some pretty good, so start some local networking and figure out which ones to avoid! Best of luck! (And you might have good alternatives to a hospital, too, depending on which state you are in!)
I joined a reddit bumper group (you can join women due the same month). I'm still in the group 3+ years later. I know a lot of "mommy groups" get flak for being dramatic and giving out terrible advice but these women are amazing. I know I can bounce any parenting related question off them without fearing judgment. We've done donations for members in need. It minimizes the loneliness and has been such a safe haven for me.
My other recommendation is to know who you want there with you and who you DON'T want. Make a list to give to the hospital. Make sure you have someone there who will remove those making you uncomfortable/overstaying their welcome. Having a newborn baby is the scariest thing in the world. You do not want anyone messing with you while you're in a highly hormonal/emotional state with a fragile newborn to care for.
I have been afraid of joining a group (for many reasons but that includes the gender nonsense) but it is very heartening to hear you have had such a good experience with yours. And thank you that is really excellent advice!! Right now I don't think anyone would come but my husband and dad, but you never know and of course it's better to be prepared. Thank you so much!!