In this chapter, Lundy goes over various types of allies to abusive men, this can be his friends and family, his victim's friends and family, neighbors, judges, therapists, attorneys, and so on.

I like the parts where Lundy is optimistic about how abused women have more ways to protect herself and social stigma around acknowledging abusive men has gone down so her community can help her get out of her abusive relationship.

Outside the mainstream of psychological thinking there are many, many excellent practitioners and theorists, ones who take the impact of trauma and abuse seriously and who believe that most victims are telling the truth. The writings of theorists and practitioners such as Judith Herman, Bessel van der Kolk, Peter Jaffe, Angela Browne, John Myers, Susan Schechter, Anna Salter, Beverly James, and countless others serve to counter the hostility toward the oppressed of the prevailing professional atmosphere.

Reference for anyone who is interested in reading more about trauma-informed therapy.

The argument that “he is a human being, too, and he deserves emotional support” should not be used as an excuse to support a man’s abusiveness.

I appreciate how Lundy emphasizes this point consistently throughout the book. It prevents the reader from falling into an abuser's lull and excusing their abusive behavior.

The following is a quote dump that I was originally going to write more reflections on for my main comment about the chapter, but I forgot to and I'm probably not gonna get around to it anymore at this point. 🫠 But I still want to share the quotes because I think they are good and resonated with me.

[O]ne fundamental dynamic has changed little despite three decades of progress in social attitudes toward abuse: No one wants to believe that his or her own son or brother is an abusive man.

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They have perhaps seen with their own eyes how she “overreacts” to certain things he does in public, because with no idea of what he has been doing to her behind closed doors, they can’t accurately judge her behavior.

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[M]y clients smoothly make up stories to cover their worst incidents. But whether or not he is telling the truth is almost beside the point; he is playing to the societal value, still widely held, that a man’s abuse toward a woman is significantly less serious if she has behaved rudely herself.

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What her family and friends may not know is that when an abused woman refuses to “look at her part” in the abuse, she has actually taken a powerful step out of self-blame and toward emotional recovery. She doesn’t have any responsibility for his actions. Anyone who tries to get her to share responsibility is adopting the abuser’s perspective.

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The mothers ask me [referring to her abusive ex's new female partner who is trying to help the abuser get custody]: “Does she realize what she is doing? Has she bothered to think about what it’s like for a mother to be threatened with losing her children? What if he turns around years from now and does the same thing to her?”

At the same time, I believe it’s important not to judge the new partner too harshly. I sometimes say to women, “You know how manipulative he can be, and he is sure to be feeding her carefully crafted distortions. I’m not saying you should excuse her actions, I’m just reminding you that the one behind it all is him, not her. If you pour energy into hating her, you are inadvertently serving his interests.”

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People who are attracted to power and tend to abuse it have important common ground with a man who abuses women. [...] The abuser of power feels outraged when his or her victims attempt to defend themselves in these ways and considers them to be the unreasonable or aggressive ones.

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This chapter made me realize how lucky I was. My family and friends all hated my ex. They didn't know the extent of the abuse but they could see he was controlling. Even his own mother would take my side when he was shitty with me in front of his family. I'm sure he trash-talked me to everyone after I left, but at least I didn't have to deal with it when I was going through the abuse.