I actually did have cool, well-educated women tell me truly feminist stuff four decades ago. I started as a women's studies major at 18, but all my courses were informed by feminism. I was actually in a grad seminar with the guy who literally wrote the book on 'Men in Feminism' (I know, I know--argue away, but he did write that book). Anyway, bc I studied feminism, grew up with feminism on TV (RIP Phil Donahue) and just went all in on it, I never had a bad relationship. Women do not need to be told all the way men suck; what they need is a lifetime of education telling them they are valuable, human, important. If we value ourselves, we do not need to waste time and mental energy (as men do) devaluing and denigrating others. I learned in feminism that reversing that negativity is not the answer bc it only continues to center our lives thinking about men. It is simply a reaction formation to misogyny. I think women deserve better

We deserve a life learning about women, about ourselves, having women mentors, fighting alongside women for the end of misogyny. Bc this is how I spent my life, I have only had good, healthy relationships with men. When I was young, this meant nice guys who loved me but would not get in my way of my goals (so they were relatively easy to leave when I moved on to the next stage). When I got older, I knew enough to be alone/celibate for many years and dedicate those years to therapy to purge bad familial patterns and trauma from growing up poor and ACA. But I never lost my faith in or commitment to feminism. And then I met my best friend, soulmate and life partner and we've been together for nearly 30 years. So, yeah, romantic love can work for women, we didn't need a written contract, we are not 'spicy straights'; we lead a boring, vanilla, child-free life. But we share the same interests and values and humor. In short, it would be so easy to say it is the men. But women get into bad relationships bc they have internalized the message that they do not deserve better, that we are less than human, that it is okay to be treated like a doormat. Feminism is not learning that men are shit (even if all but a handful are); it is about learning women are human and UNLEARNING the cultural shit directed at us by men AND women (anyone's mother here ever call them 'selfish' as a kid? Run you down? make you feel shit so that you take care of the families needs, her needs, before your own?).

Rebecca West said it all years ago: “I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat, or a prostitute.” ― Rebecca West, The Young Rebecca: Writings, 1911-1917

Being a feminist, really being devoutly feminist, means never allowing anyone to treat you like a doormat, or a prostitute. Hardest thing in the world for a woman to unlearn, even when we oppose it for others.