Do you feel welcome in gay bars?

QuestionDo you feel welcome in gay bars?

Posted July 27, 2024 by ScintillatingRuby in Lesbians

Was out with two straight women, drinking and chatting, and the subject turned to gay bars. One of them was basically “straight-splaining” to me how welcoming “LGBTQRSWTF” spaces are… and I tried, unsuccessfully, to explain my perspective.

I have been refused entry into gay bars when with ex-girlfriends because both of us are femme. I have been groped by straight men in gay bars. I have been groped by gay men in gay bars. I have been spiked, I have been stared at, I have been followed into the toilets by a trans-identifying man who attempted to assault me in the cubicle. I have been sexualised, with both men and women suggesting a threesome should I display any affection to my partner. As for lesbian bars… the one in my city proudly boasts that it’s open to all, including “allies” (straight men) for any/every event, any night of the week, so that’s right out. I just don’t go - haven’t been to anything “pride” in years, and obviously I avoid gay bars due to the number of trans-identifying men.

They were telling me how gay bars are great, they’ve always been allowed in, and everyone should be allowed in. Maybe it’s different if you go out with gay men, but I’ve found that gay men dislike me once they find out I’m a lesbian. They didn’t believe that I’ve been stared at in a lesbian bar for kissing my girlfriend by a man - with the counter-example proposed being two straight women just chatting!?

Is it just me that experiences such animosity from gay bars?

You are viewing a single comment thread. Show all comments.

FernLady

July 7, 2021

Awesome! Wishing you all the best with your new career path. Fellow math lover here :)

When I went to college (for computer science), I knew coming in I was going to have to work extra hard to catch up with the other students (most at my university came from fancy private schools while I went to a pretty mediocre public high school). I made myself a promise to not ever compare myself with anyone else and instead just set achievable standards and goals for myself. I never ever asked other people what grades they got, and declined to answer when people asked me.

I tried to embody the quote from the dancer baryshnikov: “I do not try to dance better than anyone else. I only try to dance better than myself.” I felt it did wonders for me because I was very focused on what I can do to achieve my goals instead of worrying about competing with classmates or feeling like I didn’t measure up. This helped me to hone my studying techniques and feel proud when I met my goals.

I am not sure if this is related or not, but I very rarely felt imposter syndrome, and when I did it was just fleeting and I quickly shut it down. I try to remember that errant self-deprecating thoughts are just thoughts and my own perceptions, which are not necessarily a reflection of reality. It’s good to remind yourself of that when you’re experiencing some negative thoughts, it helps put the trustworthiness of the thought into question.

Anyways, I hope that helped a little and I am sure you will do great! The fact that you had the courage to change your path is already a great start. Rooting for you!

direct link
source

Jack_the_Lass

July 7, 2021

I LOVE this response, thank you so much for sharing your perspective and experience. ❤️

direct link
source

Posted July 27, 2024 by ScintillatingRuby

Edited July 27, 2024

Score: 13

/o/Lesbians

1144 subscribers

Created July 22, 2020

o/Lesbians is a space for lesbians to connect, thrive, and build a genuine lesbian community. We define lesbianism as homosexuality; a woman’s exclusive same-sex attraction to other women. Participation by non-lesbians in this circle is not allowed.

Along with our rules, we enforce the sitewide rules and guidelines.

No participation by people who are not both female and exclusively same sex attracted. Users in violation will be banned. This includes posting, commenting, and voting.
Assume good faith. Please refrain from being preemptively belligerent or defensive.
No attacks, insults, or reciprocation. If you are attacked by another user, use the report button instead of reciprocating. If you reciprocate, you will also be in violation of this rule.
No slurs or pejoratives. The words 'cis' or 'cisgender' used to refer to other women are considered slurs. Name calling, ad hominem attacks, and other language used specifically to target another user will also not be tolerated.
No bullying/ganging up on people. If the content is rule-breaking, report it instead of piling on.
Refrain from overgeneralizing your own experience onto others, or implying that what was true for you is necessarily true for all lesbians.
No criticism of sexual boundaries or relationship boundaries.
No content questioning one's lesbian orientation. Posts like 'When did you know?' are okay, but posts like 'What am I?' are not. We cannot tell you what you are. Similarly, refrain from unfounded speculation regarding the sex lives and sexuality of other women.
Gender-critical or trans-critical content lacking a lesbian focus will be removed.
No derailing or hijacking. This refers to posting a comment that is unrelated to the topic of the post, which often kills the original discussion.
No pornography. NSFW posts must be marked as such.
No selfies or other sharing of personal identifying information; no spam; and no self-promotion.
No using the exclusivity of the circle in bad faith towards/about the rest of the site, its content, or other users, who cannot respond if they've been misunderstood or misrepresented.

Moderators

Banned Users