Follow-up surveys by abuser programs have found that the support that the counselors give to her tends to be the aspect of the program that the woman finds most valuable.

It makes sense, given the fact no one can change an abusive person besides themselves. Therefore, giving the abused person support and resources is the most important part. It centers the attention and care on the person who deserves it—the abused.

Things that abusers must do to begin the process of change:

1. He has to admit, and admit fully, that he was abusive.

2. He has to admit that he was abusive on purpose, that his actions were a choice. He has to stop making excuses.

3. He has to acknowledge that what he did was wrong.

4. He has to accept people's right to be angry about what he did, which meant that he had to be willing to truly acknowledge the effects of his actions.

5. He has to accept the consequences of his actions.

6. He has to devote long-term and serious effort toward setting right what he had done.

7. He has to lay aside demands for forgiveness.

8. He has to treat people consistently well from that point forward.

9. He has to relinquish his negative views of the people he hurt.

Step number four, for example, demands that the abusive man accept his partner’s right to be angry. He actually has to take seriously the furious things that she says and think about them rather than using her emotional pitch as an excuse to stuff her opinions back down her throat as he has normally done. When I explain this step, my clients at first look at me as though I had an eye in the middle of my forehead. “I should do what?? When she is yelling at me, I’m supposed to just sit there and take it??” To which I reply, “More than that, actually. You should reflect on the points she is making and respond to them in a thoughtful way.”

I thought this was interesting. I think I am way too used to the perspective of "it's not good to be mean back," because so often, abusers don't want to change and listen so they use someone being critical or mad at them and possibly yelling at them as a way to hurt the person who was pointing out the abuser's cruelty.

A large percentage of men who join abuser programs quit within the first few weeks. They make various excuses at home, but the true reason is that they discover that the program expects them to start treating their partners with respect when they were hoping to just learn kinder, gentler approaches to running the show.

Reminds me of the "the abuser wants to go back to being a benevolent dictator instead of a cruel dictator" phrase from an earlier chapter.

A list of questions that victims need to look for "yes" answers to if they are wondering if their abuser is changing:

• Has he learned to treat your opinions with respect, even when they differ strongly from his?

• Is he accepting your right to express anger to him, especially when it involves his history of mistreating you?

• Is he respecting your right to freedom and independence? Does that include refraining from all interference with your friendships and giving up the demand to always know where you are and whom you are with?

• Has he stopped making excuses for his treatment of you, including not using your behavior as an excuse for his?

• Is he being respectful about sex, applying no pressure and engaging in no guilt trips?

• Has he stopped cheating or flirting with other women, or using other behaviors that keep you anxious that he will stray?

• Does he listen to your side in arguments without interrupting, and then make a serious effort to respond thoughtfully to your points, even if he doesn’t like them?

• Have you been free to raise your grievances, new or old, without retaliation from him?

• Has he stopped talking about his abuse as if it were an accident and begun to acknowledge that he used it to control you?

• Is he actually responding to your grievances and doing something about them (for example, changing the way he behaves toward your children)?

• Has he greatly reduced or eliminated his use of controlling behaviors (such as sarcasm, rolling his eyes, loud disgusted sighs, talking over you, using the voice of ultimate authority, and other demonstrations of disrespect or superiority) during conversations and arguments?

• When he does slip back into controlling behavior, does he take you seriously when you complain about it and keep working on improving?

• Is he being consistent and responsible in his behavior, taking into account how his actions affect you without having to be constantly reminded?

• Is he acting noticeably less demanding, selfish, and self-centered?

• Is he being fair and responsible about money, including allowing you to keep your own assets in your own name?

• Has he stopped any behaviors that you find threatening or intimidating?

• Has he significantly expanded his contribution to household and child-rearing responsibilities and stopped taking your domestic work for granted or treating you like a servant?

• Has he begun supporting your strengths rather than striving to undermine them?

• Have you had any major angry arguments with him in which he has shown a new willingness to conduct himself nonabusively?

Sometimes when a woman reports to me that her abusive partner has been doing better, it turns out that he hasn’t been doing anything at all. He isn’t swearing at her or scaring her, but he also isn’t spending time with her, talking to her, or showing her any affection. He’s avoiding abusiveness simply by disconnecting from the relationship. As a partner of one of my clients said to me: “It’s like he’s got two gears: angry and neutral.”

This reminds me of my stepmother. And also unfortunately me to myself. I have been getting better with myself in some regards, but I noticed that when I stopped being critical and mean to myself, I didn't start being kind to myself, but instead I just felt "absent" and "avoidant" and "neglectful" of myself.

I have heard such heart-rending sadness in the voices of many dozens of abused women who have said to me: “I wish I could somehow recover all those years I wasted waiting around for him to deal with his issues.” Save yourself that sadness if you can, by insisting on nothing less than complete respect.

Quoting for keeping in mind for myself. I don't want to slip back into bad relationships. I don't want to waste my life on hoping cruel people can change.

If the way you behave in the relationship is a response to the threat of abuse, are you a voluntary participant?

I thought this was a great question for one to ask themselves.

If couples counseling is the only type of help your partner is willing to get—because he wants to make sure that he can blame the problem on you—you may think, Well, it’s better than not getting any counseling at all. And maybe the therapist will see the things he does and convince him to get help. But even if the therapist were to confront him, which is uncommon, he would just say: “You turned the therapist against me”—the same way he handles any other challenges.

I thought this was a good explanation of why couples counseling isn't effective for abusers.

At the same time, keep your own life moving forward, focusing on your own healing process, not on the man’s process of change. Waiting around for him to get serious about developing respect for you could be a long stall in your own growth and development. Don’t sell yourself short.

I thought this was nice. I like the encouragement for women to build back their lives, recenter on themselves, heal, and grow.

You cannot, I am sorry to say, get an abuser to work on himself by pleading, soothing, gently leading, getting friends to persuade him, or using any other nonconfrontational method. I have watched hundreds of women attempt such an approach without success. The way you can help him change is to demand that he do so, and settle for nothing less.

Yep. People only change if they want to change. We cannot make people change, they must choose to do so of their own volition.

The only time an abusive man will deal with his issues enough to become someone you can live with is when you prove to him, and to yourself, that you are capable of living without him.

💯 This and the previous quote go along together. This is also why feminism matters. Financial independence, women's bodily autonomy, social safety nets. These all strengthen women's ability to free themselves from abusers, and as a result, reduce the effectiveness and quantity of abusers. Women creating strong boundaries and standing up for themselves and living for themselves is crucial to creating an abuse-free world.

Abusiveness is like poison ivy, with its extensive and entrenched root system. You can’t eradicate it by lopping off the superficial signs. It has to come out by the roots, which are the man’s attitudes and beliefs regarding partner relationships.

This really echoes radical feminism.

It’s been a long time since I read this book.

Unfortunately I tend to be too forgiving and accepting of hurtful behaviour....I don’t know if humans can change who they fundamentally are?

I have indeed grown as a person but have had my own inner self distinct and noticeable since being a baby. We’re all a product of our environment/childhood/trauma.....is that making excuses in so far as DV?(I was in an abusive relationship for 7 months and it felt all wrong but I’d make excuse after excuse for him physically, emotionally and sexually abusing me :/

I like that Bancroft truly makes NO excuses for abusive men. It’s a breath of fresh air. I feel pathetically grateful for him, a man, speaking so earnestly and assertively...probably a bit pathetic tbh (me, I mean, for being grateful) 🙃