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Book ClubsWhy Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft | Book Summary and Book Club Posts Directory
Ovarit users participated in an online book club for Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft that ran from December 16 2023 to March 23 2024.
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men is written by a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men. Lundy Bancroft uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help people recognize when they are being controlled or devalued, and to help people find ways to be free of abusive relationships.
Hey ladies! I haven’t been able to participate much because my mom got sick. She is home now and comfortable, but the calmness and safety at my and my mother’s home was ruined by my dad who relapsed again at the end of April. He is very frightening when he drinks and gets drunk. He has been out of our home for two weeks so far today. I am anxious everyday worrying he will come to our home drunk. He doesn’t live with us, but I did invite him back to our home to help me care for my disabled mom while she was sick from January to April. I honestly thought he was sober. I don’t know exactly when he started drinking again. I spoke with a police officer today who told me to call the non-emergency line if he comes back and they could make him go back to his hotel by telling him he could receive a criminal trespass warning. I just wanted to let y’all know what I have been dealing with. I hope I can create a ritual to help me heal and go super low contact with my dad. I want to be free of him. Maybe y’all could give me some ideas to help me create a healing ritual where I can work on standing up for myself, even when I’m struggling and afraid of the man who has abused me my whole life.
Dear CompassionateGoddess, I'm so sorry you are going through this, it sounds very stressful and frightening. Because your dad is an alcoholic and has abused your all your life, his current behaviour will be very triggering of all that past trauma on top of the stress of dealing with this in the present. Please prioritise your safety and your mum's safety, and then prioritise your mental health. My father is also abusive and abused me and my brother, and continues to abuse my mum. I strongly recommend going low contact or no contact. My life has improved a lot as a result of doing this. I will think on how you might be able to create a healing ritual. Right now I think you should prioritise your safety and health. One thing I have learned from Ruth Barrett's book and course is that it takes time, energy and resources to create ritual and right now you don't have much to spare. When you are ready I am here for you. Please be safe and contact the police if your dad comes to the house. Stay in touch and keep us updated. Sending healing energy for you, I am lighting a candle on my altar for you and your mum.
One very simple ritual I just thought of which I use when I am feeling vulnerable is simply to go out after dark on a clear night and look for the moon and know that the Goddess is inside us all and that Her power is all around us. That's all. Just looking at the face of the moon give me comfort and strength.
You are thoughtful and kind, Tortoisemouse. Thank you so much. My mom and I are safe right now. I keep the doors locked. I haven’t gone outside much because I’m afraid he could just pull into the driveway any second, but I would be okay going outside at night since he will probably be sleeping. It is cloudy today, so I probably won’t be able to see the sky. It will still be nice to go out there and get some fresh air.
I’m am so sorry to hear that your dad is abusive, too. It is an awful club way too many women and children are a part of. I hope you, your mom, and brother will be free of his abuse completely one day.
When I have free time after caring for my mom, I find working in my nature journal has helped me a lot. Observing nature has given my brain something positive and productive to do rather than worry and constantly check to make sure his car isn’t in the driveway.
One thing I have learned from Ruth Barrett's book and course is that it takes time, energy and resources to create ritual and right now you don't have much to spare. When you are ready I am here for you.
Sending healing energy for you, I am lighting a candle on my altar for you and your mum.
You are always so kind and loving Tortoisemouse. I appreciate you and the kind words, thoughts, and deeds you so eloquently express.
One very simple ritual I just thought of which I use when I am feeling vulnerable is simply to go out after dark on a clear night and look for the moon and know that the Goddess is inside us all and that Her power is all around us. That's all. Just looking at the face of the moon give me comfort and strength.
I too have gone outside at night just to admire the moon and "bathe" in the moonlight. Sometimes I will talk to the moon (Her) as I would to a loving mother. I have never thought of it as a ritual though, so I appreciate this perspective.
I too have gone outside at night just to admire the moon and "bathe" in the moonlight. Sometimes I will talk to the moon (Her) as I would to a loving mother.
That's really beautiful. I do think this is a ritual, and I've no doubt it's a ritual that women have performed from early human times. Early female humans would have noticed the cycle of the moon being the same as the menstrual cycle and I'm sure this would have been connected with moon worship. When we perform this ritual we are connecting through our mother line back to the earliest women on earth.
“Early female humans would have noticed the cycle of the moon being the same as the menstrual cycle and I'm sure this would have been connected with moon worship. When we perform this ritual we are connecting through our mother line back to the earliest women on earth.”
I LOVE what you wrote here. I am going to add it to my nature journal I’ve been working in and sharing here on Ovarit.
Please add me to the tag list.. I am only on Chapter 2 right now but plan to catch up!
I will do Katybee! Thank you for joining us.
I'm behind on my posts as I was away all weekend but I'll be doing Chapter 5 later this week.
Thanks for giving us a pause, @Tm. Thanks for reminding us that we don’t have to know it all, and that the important part is doing it.
Doing it: it can be simple.
One of the earliest lessons for me in this I learned from this poem by Elsa Gidlow, a lesbian poet, and some kind of witch. Each day, she lights her fire. And each year, she lights the solstice fire from the coals of the old one.
Chains Of Fires
Each dawn, kneeling before my hearth, Placing stick, crossing stick On dry eucalyptus bark Now the larger boughs, the log (With thanks to the tree for its life) Touching the match, waiting for creeping flame. I know myself linked by chains of fire To every woman who has kept a hearth
In the resinous smoke I smell hut and castle and cave, Mansion and hovel. See in the shifting flame my mother And grandmothers out over the world Time through, back to the Paleolithic In rock shelters where flint struck first sparks (Sparks aeons later alive on my hearth) I see mothers , grandmothers back to beginnings, Huddled beside holes in the earth of igloo, tipi, cabin, Guarding the magic no other being has learned, Awed, reverent, before the sacred fire Sharing live coals with the tribe.
For no one owns or can own fire, it ]ends itself. Every hearth-keeper has known this. Hearth-less, lighting one candle in the dark We know it today. Fire lends itself, Serving our life Serving fire.
At Winter solstice, kindling new fire With sparks of the old From black coals of the old, Seeing them glow again, Shuddering with the mystery, We know the terror of rebirth.
Thank you ActualWendy this is an amazing poem!
This is completely epic and resonates so strongly with what I am trying to say in my reply to @drdeeeisback under this post. We don't have the same continuity that is found in the religions of the fathers. But we still have continuity - in our blood, in our mother-line, in the chain of women going back and back and back, umbilical cord after umbilical cord.
Fire is very powerful in ritual. Maybe it was the first magic, as this poem implies. Maybe it is the primal element. Like an Olympic flame, perhaps it has been passed to us through the generations and ages of women and now we guard it for the generations to come.
"kindling new fire / With sparks of the old / From black coals of the old"
As I said in my comment to drdee, we have to pick up what we can find in the muck, whatever has been made dark and obscure over centuries and millenia of patriarchy. We have to clean it off, recognise ourselves. Use sparks of the old to kindle new fire.
Are there meant to be line breaks (which are notoriously difficult to format on Ovarit!)
Chains Of Fires
Each dawn, kneeling before my hearth,
Placing stick, crossing stick
On dry eucalyptus bark
Now the larger boughs, the log
(With thanks to the tree for its life)
Touching the match, waiting for creeping flame.
I know myself linked by chains of fire
To every woman who has kept a hearth
In the resinous smoke I smell hut and castle and cave,
Mansion and hovel.
See in the shifting flame my mother
And grandmothers out over the world
Time through, back to the Paleolithic
In rock shelters where flint struck first sparks
(Sparks aeons later alive on my hearth)
I see mothers , grandmothers back to beginnings,
Huddled beside holes in the earth of igloo, tipi, cabin,
Guarding the magic no other being has learned,
Awed, reverent, before the sacred fire
Sharing live coals with the tribe.
For no one owns or can own fire, it lends itself.
Every hearth-keeper has known this.
Hearth-less, lighting one candle in the dark
We know it today.
Fire lends itself,
Serving our life
Serving fire.
At Winter solstice, kindling new fire
With sparks of the old
From black coals of the old,
Seeing them glow again,
Shuddering with the mystery,
We know the terror of rebirth.
That is a beautiful poem ActualWendy found and shared with us. I’m going to write it in my nature journal. Maybe I can sketch the fire from a candle.
What do you think of sharing our artwork, poems, prose, altars, gardens, photography, etc.? Maybe we could share once or twice a month in the Women Circle or whatever circle is best? Creation is part of rituals, too.
we don’t have to know it all, and that the important part is doing it.
Doing it: it can be simple.
One of the earliest lessons for me in this I learned from this poem by Elsa Gidlow, a lesbian poet, and some kind of witch. Each day, she lights her fire. And each year, she lights the solstice fire from the coals of the old one.
Thank you for the above reminders and for sharing that beautiful and powerful poem. Both are simply divine, and I got some goosebumps from the poem!
Hi! I'm reaching out to ask if we're going to be continuing with this bookclub soon? :) No worries if not, I just want to know if I can put this book back on the shelf for a while, or if I should leave it in my stack of "prioritized books" on the couch lol.
Hi Unicorn, yes I am planning to continue! I've just started a new job with full-time hours (I used spellwork to help me get this job) and I've been crazy-busy but I was intending to do the next chapter this weekend. Thank you for letting me know you are still interested!!!
I have to admit when you started these book club posts I went and found my copy, and it's on the shelf near my bed, and I haven't actually started rereading it - every time I see a post I'm reminded that I want to participate and haven't yet! Maybe this weekend....
I did want to ask/bring up a point and see if youall can help me out. When I think of 'rituals' I think of something collective - either done as part of a group, or done on one's own/in one's family (like many Jewish rituals) but as part of an acknowledged corporate body and tradition. So I'm struggling with the idea of something like a 'personal ritual' - I, personally, have not, to date, been able to find much meaning in a ritual that I create by myself for myself.
I worked for a while at Stonehenge, and went to one of the half-yearly 'open days' - a winter one, which is probably not quite the madhouse the summer ones are. What really struck me is that every one of the thousands of people there for the solstice was having a different personal experience. It felt so different from, say, going to a Christmas mass - yes, everyone at the Christmas mass is also having his or her own personal experience, but everyone there acknowledges that they're part of a particular specific group (Christians, of whatever flavour the church is), knows why they're there, knows what will be happening during the 1-2 hours that they're there, and knows what they're expected to do during that time. This all would also have been true of the people who created Stonehenge, and worshipped/celebrated there at the appropriate times. So I found my experience at Stonehenge very unsatisfying, and a bit disturbing.
Hi Dr Dee, thanks for this very good point/question. I have had similar thoughts. This is where I am with it.
When I think of 'rituals' I think of something collective - either done as part of a group, or done on one's own/in one's family (like many Jewish rituals) but as part of an acknowledged corporate body and tradition.
I think you are right. These rituals have a weighty sense of meaning and heritage. To perform rituals in synchrony with a group, or to do so alone/in your family knowing that people have been performing the same rituals in their own homes for hundreds or thousands of years.... this has huge significance. A communal experience (not like the one you describe at Stonehenge, but like the experience you might have in a Cathedral or Synagogue), this can be a transcendent experience. However, I think the point Ruth Barrett, and Dianic Wicca in general, is trying to make is that all these ritualistic systems and religions are found upon, and woven from, patriarchy. All of our mainstream systems of worship are built from patriarchal ideas. They feature exclusively male gods or (in the case of Hinduism or Buddhism) it is the male gods that are the creators, the saviours, the powerful ones. All the major religions prioritise male experience. They all prioritise male priests/rabbis/monks. They all tell stories of patriarchy. They all carry symbols of the male, of male power, of male rule.
In Dianic Witchcraft we are trying to find, sense, recover what we have lost: the Goddess. The true creatrix. Female power. Female sovereignty. When we stand at our alters, there is no higher authority. There is no intermediary between us and the Goddess.
I wrote to Ruth and asked about how we can ever find a true representation of the Goddess. I told her I tried to find images of Artemis from antiquity but all the statues and paintings are made by men and cater to the male gaze. I tried to find Ancient Greek or Roman literature describing the Goddess but of course it is all written by men. I read Sappho and her Ode to Aphrodite and other works featuring this Goddess but even Sappho is deep in the patriarchy.
Ruth replied: "Yes, the mythology that has largely come down has been through male lenses and viewpoints. There's so much I want to say here about that... the good news is that in the past decades there are many female scholars who have done the work to find source materials that precede the rewritten patriarchal versions. The issue has always been to find ourselves in the muck. So much has been recovered that we can find ourselves and clean our stories off."
Those words really stood out to me: "find ourselves in the muck... find ourselves and clean our stories"
I thought of this when I read your comment.
The reason personal ritual is necessary - and the reason it might feel disconnected - are both the same. The reason is that the ancient legacy of Goddess-worship has been lost in the muck, covered up and obscured by millenia of patriarchy. We have to pick up what fragments we can find, clean them off, recognise them and recognise ourselves.
This was the feeling I got when I performed my first Dianic ritual. I saw myself.
So, partly, personal ritual-making is an attempt at reconstruction. We can't really know what those ancient Goddess-worshippers were really doing. Increasingly scholars and archaeologists are uncovering evidence but it is always going to be incomplete. In the meantime if we want rituals with meanings that honour women and don't feed into misogyny then we have to construct them intuitively, ourselves. And we just have to know that we have a mother-line and if we go back far enough then our mother-ancestors were doing something like this themselves.
Personal ritual-making is also partly about healing ourselves from our prior experiences of ritual, as per Chapter 2 of the book "Ritual in the Belly of the Beast". I didn't understand the chapter name for a long time and then I suddenly realised "the Beast" is the patriarchy. Personal Dianic ritual unravels and heals the effects of a lifetime of patriarchal ritual.
Furthermore, the descriptions in the book of group ritual sound very communal. Great care is taken to ensure everybody understands the meaning and significance of the ritual. Ruth emphasises how important it is to make sure every woman knows in advance the nature and shape of the ritual and the part (if any) she will play. The aim is a shared experience grounded in Dianic tradition, supporting everyone into a shared state of consciousness.
I haven't been to a celebration at Stonehenge but I have seen footage on TV and I agree is appears chaotic and disturbing and a thousand miles away from what I believe is the aim of Dianic witchcraft.
This is fantastic - thank you so much for taking the time to share your ideas and experience, it's very meaningful and has really opened my eyes. I guess what I'd say now, after I've read what you wrote, is that no ritual directed toward the Goddess is completely individualised/made up - women HAVE been doing these rituals for countless generations, in some form or other (and chances are whatever ritual we end up creating will bear a strong resemblance to what they did; ritual is a natural/innate human behaviour). So I can think of this process as 'I made up this ritual yesterday to express pretend worship for a made-up deity that makes me, personally, feel good' or as 'I am reaching into myself, and into the deep past, as best I can to unearth the rituals my ancestors participated in to honour the pre-patriarchal deity they worshipped, a deity inherently connected to and present within the world around us.' You've made a brilliant case for the latter, and that's really changed my perspective, so thank you again.
Thank you for reading my long response!
Yes, women have been doing something very much like what we are doing, for countless generations. Exactly right.
Working alone in our houses is also part of a heritage we can tap into. The practice of the "solitary witch" evolved for a reason, to escape persecution, to work in secret, and also because women usually lacked (or were actively excluded from) the legitimized networks that would have allowed them to create organised religion.
I forgot to say in my comment that not only do mainstream religions centre and venerate men, they actively denigrate women. The entirety of Christian religion is founded on the idea of the first woman being responsible for original sin. All human suffering, essentially, is reduced to that woman's sinful nature. The wickedness and degeneracy of women is in-build, not as a bug but as a central feature of religion. In Christianity, the original woman's degeneracy and disobedience, gave rise to the necessity of the perfect man whose blood (blood!!!!) could "wash away" the polluting influence of the woman. The other major religions have other ways to make women and the reproductive power of women's bodies evil or foul.
What does it do to us, our psyches, our minds, to be fed these messages from our earliest formative years? Even if we are raised in an atheist household, these ideas permeate our culture precisely because ritual is so powerful.
So we don't just need an alternative, we need actively to heal ourselves from generations and generations of being told we are fundamentally, irredeemably bad and that we need the intervention of a male in order to be acceptable, and even then we're still pretty unacceptable unless we are perfect martyred virgins?
'I am reaching into myself, and into the deep past, as best I can to unearth the rituals my ancestors participated in to honour the pre-patriarchal deity they worshipped, a deity inherently connected to and present within the world around us.'
I love this! It gave me goosebumps. I think this is exactly it. We have to reach back through time, through our intuition, through our instincts, through our imagination, through all our visions and gifts, to recover what has been stolen from us.
As far as.Goddess images, I'm reading the new version of The Holy Book of Women's Mysteries, and Z. suggests putting a rose on the altar as an image of the Goddess. Another source I recall recommended putting a seashell. I like these ideas. I found a tiny Storyteller figurine, that has a female figure, with a basket of corn in her lap, and a bunch of little children gathered around her, eating the corn. These types of Storyteller little figurines are plentiful where I live in the US southwest, and in looking at it, it reminds me of the abundance of the Goddess. So on my altar it goes! Nowadays there are many sources of Goddess images for sale and I have bought my share and moved them on out of my life when the time was right. I think going forward, I will be more intuitive when selecting Goddess images. Who knows, I may go to the hobby store and get a package of self-hardening clay and sculpt my own statue!
Hello Sisters,
Per my previous posts, I did a release ritual last week with the new moon. I feel OK about it, but there is definite room for improvement. It felt a bit more like a meditation rather than ritual. I really don't know how to describe the process, but I will do my best.
After I did the 'Going Wide' exercise I thought I had some great ideas. I ended up only using a few of them primarily because of time constraints, but also because, for example, if I wanted to wear a shroud I didn't want to buy something specifically for this. In general I try to have minimal and/or multi-purpose things, and/or I would rather attempt to make what I "need", and I did not have the time nor motivation to do so.
But anyway, I decided that I would try to invoke or honor all five elements, and also planned on packing some dirt in bags to represent what I was letting go of (or retiring). I brewed some licorice root tea, as that came to me during 'Going Wide' (probably because I associated licorice with the color black, for mourning, which was a repeated theme in my 'Going Wide' brainstorming).
I had originally thought to sit and watch the sun set and then meditate while waiting for the "official" new moon. However I ended up eating dinner during the sun set and then taking a bath before the "official" new moon. Because the warm bath felt wonderful and relaxing, I stayed in too long, and then felt rushed in getting my altar set up. I had also decided to do the ritual outside, however that was a bad choice as I ended up being bombarded by mosquitoes. In the end I did a quick prayer/meditation/release outside during the "official" new moon, dissolving some of the dirt in my cauldron of water as a release (Earth/Water). The candle that I had didn't fit well in the holder, and so I quickly snuffed that out (Fire). I also gave thanks to the Air and Spirit.
In one of the comments from another chapter post, someone had mentioned that after release we then need to fill the space with something else. It didn't feel right to do that in the dark during a new moon, so I decided to continue/complete the ritual the following day in the sunlight, filing the empty space with a deep appreciation for nature and the outdoors. I spent the afternoon kayaking on a lake, and found a quiet spot to meditate for some time, and then I gave thanks and poured the dissolved dirt/water from the prior evening into the lake. That entire afternoon went well and I thoroughly enjoyed my time outside.
Overall, however, I don't feel any lasting effects. I think other commenters had mentioned feeling a weight lifting, etc. I don't think I felt any of that. In fact in the days following the ritual I fell back into some sub-optimal habits. They weren't what I was releasing in the ritual, but I was hoping that improved actions might be a possible outcome of the ritual. I guess though that I shouldn't have any expectations for the outcome. Whatever happens is valid. And I am feeling better in general today (hence the write up).
Anyway, I probably need to make a more definite, shorter ritual next time. But if anyone can make any sense of the convoluted words above and would like to provide feedback, I would love to hear it.
Much love to you all.
I was fortunate enough to take a class in Feminist Witchcraft from Ruth, and one thing she said was that when doing magic you can expect the thing you are trying to change to 'snap back,' because you are working to change an established energy pattern. So if you fell into suboptimal habits, don't get discouraged but keep at it, both in the mundane sense and the magical sense. You were releasing something, make sure to replace it with something positive. Best wishes, sister!
That is great information, and I appreciate it you sharing it Katybee. Thank you!
Did you enjoy the Feminist Witchcraft class, and would you take any others? I took a few classes with Ruth and although the information was good, I realized I needed to focus on doing rather than learning. But perhaps after I complete some more rituals and learn some more, all thanks to this great book club, I take some some further classes with her.
I enjoyed her classes, and hope to take more in the future. I am getting a lot out of the book, but I agree, putting things into practice is very important. I tend to read a lot but not act a lot. I had planned to take the Runes class but changed my mind. I think her wife, Falcon, was to do that class.
Oh nice! And absolutely the same for me on all counts!