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DiscussionWhen you get opportunities to peak people, resist the urge to overwhelm them with your knowledge
I've thought a lot lately about effective advocacy and helping people acknowledge the reality they see with their own two eyes. I often see posts here from users with very specialized, valuable knowledge about some aspect of women's rights, biology, or history. That information is so important in the right context, but I would argue that we often run the risk of overwhelming potential allies if we explode it onto them at the first sign of interest in gender-critical subjects.
I think the temptation is to PROVE we know what we're talking about - I've certainly done this. I've whipped out examples, esoteric case law I barely understand myself, philosophical questions, references to The Second Sex, comparisons to other social movements, you name it. NONE of that has been as effective as simple plain-language questions:
In fact, the times that I've exploded my knowledge onto unsuspecting would-be allies have even backfired - not so much in disagreement, but I've heard "that sounds depressing and I can't take any more bad news" or "I've never heard of that [highly specific topic] and can't really say anything about it." I know I've come off as elitist, superior, and obnoxious, ready to whip out 10 more facts every time my ally poses the slightest question (or worse, aggressive corrections when he or she says the word "cis" or "identity.") It doesn't work. It overwhelms, makes people feel stupid, and drives them away.
I argue that J.K. Rowling offers the best example of how to use simple, short, and plain-language Tweets to get very effective points across. Our goal should be to help people on their own path to realization, not to prove how much we've researched feminism ourselves. What do you all think?
I would ask her why she thinks that is and see where she ends up... or say something like, "Abuse sounds like a good reason to opt out of being female."
My go-to with women is "gosh, I wish I could've opted out of womanhood. Being a girl really sucked, I totally understand why someone would choose to not go through that."
The indignation they feel is then directed inward.
I’m glad your friend picked up on it. I’ve also noticed women/girls who are super against and well-versed in the patriarchy identity as non-binary. As if they can just ~opt out~ of the things they don’t like.
Women trying anything to run from the oppression that comes for us all.
Honestly, I do understand them. Problem is that it won't help at all. They'll see that eventually.
I peaked when all of my trans friends (only the women; the men just wanted to be trans to jack off) slowly revealed that they all had horribly abusive mothers or trauma filled religious backgrounds or both. In a lot of cases it seemed to be that trauma inflicted by the mother figure got transmuted into the desire to disavow womanhood altogether as a way of rejecting the mom’s abuse. Definitely some sad and horrible findings, and people are slowly catching on
I used to know a gay man (he said he was never heard about any boyfriends ever) whom absolutely hated women, except me because apparently I wasn't like other women so I was ok he would talk to me as I was more like a guy apparently (which I found insulting), he often expressed his hate for women as a collective and it would always go back to his mother whom he hated more then anyone, he said she was abusive and it was her fault his father died, he put his death down to the stress of dealing with her.
I often wondered if he really was gay or just blinded by his hate for his mother that he projected onto all other women, its strange that with sons and even women the idea prevails that women are a collective mass, all the same and not individuals. we never see "not all women"
For violent men all women are the same. Look at all the serial killers who decided to rape and kill women and then when they were caught they whined about being abused by their moms and having mommy issues. Hell even the ones who were abused by fathers went out and killed women anyways. They just hate us
Very accurate. I thought I used to ID as NB because of being bisexual, terminally online and being given repeated messages about how I didn't fit the ideal of femininity. Turns out I had disassociative amnesia around my mother repeatedly raping me at gunpoint and shooting my cat.
That is so awful, I hope you are healing anf far far away from her
It happened to me, and I doubt it is any different for my gen z peers. I'm a bit eager to see these connections being made and getting the ball rolling.
Definitely had these conversations with older (gen x mostly) women! They can most certainly sniff through the bullshit. I know they worry about the younger women, too.
This is the one silver lining to this TRA garbage being pushed on the general public. Normal people (ie folks who live in the real world, didn't go to expensive universities, and don't live on Twitter) are going to be shell-shocked by this crap. And they can't stay silent forever.
I'm in the process of peaking my mom. She works with counterculture teens, and had been seeing an increase in TiFs and NB-identifying girls. Most women IRL don't take that shit seriously, in my experience; they want to be inclusive and kind, but they don't actually BELIEVE all of that.
It honestly breaks my heart. Preteen/teenage girls are among the most vulnerable members of society. They're dissociating from their femaleness and society is mostly responding with ridicule or further grooming.
You're absolutely right, and I got caught up in it. It's no coincidence that I started identifying as NB right around the same time boys at my school started making fun of girls' bodies, and men started catcalling me on the street. It was also right around the time I moved to a new city and lost most of my support system, so the built-in community that comes with being NB was a huge bonus to me. I've desisted now, obviously. It didn't last very long before I peaked.
I'm glad. I know I've personally noticed this as well, tbh even back to my tumblr days; a lot of the TIFs seemed to have experienced some sort of abuse or particularly traumatic instances of misogyny/sexism (like, being treated terribly in a male dominated hobby for example). I noticed this but didn't say it out loud because I didn't want to be invalidating at the time but yeah.
maybe recommend she watch the documentary 4 part film on youtube Dysphoric.
You should try to peak her. She would probably be relieved to have someone to confide in who "gets it".
I agree. I'd still do it gradually and gently, since it's such a controversial topic, but it almost sounds like your friend wants someone to talk to her about it.
Yes, try to peak her even if you have to do the slow and steady thing and help her think it through herself. Most importantly because she is on the frontlines with abused girls. She needs to be peaked so she can properly help these girls.
It’s hard to explain what she does without making it a flashing neon sign of identifiable info, but her role that she has with the kids is fairly limited. But I did use the convo I had with her to open up a discussion with another friend so not a loss!