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DiscussionIMO "Just be kind" is the new "You should smile more" and it comes from the same place
"Just be kind" is the milder admonition towards GC women who dare question any facet of the gender gospel. I had a thought just now, that its motive and intent is similar to "you should smile more." Weaponizing women's socialization and expectations of agreeableness for the benefit of men.
This was a Reddit r/AskFeminists thread inquiring as to why the phrase "you should smile more" is misogynistic. The post is three years old, so at the time, some sanity seemed to still be in place. In any event, the general consensus is that the "request" demands emotional labor of women to shut down any feelings or frustrations they may have, so that men don't have to be inconvenienced by so-called "resting bitch face." Pay attention to me! Why so serious?
The end result of "smiling more" is that men don't have to take into consideration that it is something a male-oriented society has done, or continues doing, to make women be frustrated, and also that women are human beings who do not exist purely as background decor to be "brightened" at will. To "just be kind" also means women suppressing their own instincts and opinions (and understanding of basic objective reality) to center and privilege TIPs, TIMs in particular. In both cases we're talking about women dropping everything to satisfy men's emotional demands.
The insidiousness of both phrases is is that the concern-trolling request is couched in anodyne phrasing that comports well to our culture of always-on, toxic positivity. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer.
I actually have no problem being kind. If I meet a trans person when I'm out and about, I'll be kind. I have no reason to be rude or cruel to them. I'll treat them like anyone else I see out in public.
What I won't do is be silent when I see something I think is harmful going down, and pretending sex isn't real is harmful.
Honestly. And "be kind" messaging is so heavily targeted at women and girls. On girls clothing, stickers, books, etc! I ordered some art on Etsy and literally got a sticker that said "be kind" like no ma'am why do you need to beat me over the head with this?
And it's always with co-opted "fun stuff" like... rainbow unicorns, and mermaids. There's something... "there" about an aesthetic that aims to attract little girls' attention as early as possible. 🤔
It's so hard to buy girls' clothes that aren't plastered in those affirmations. So many things just have "BE KIND" "LOVE" "FRIENDSHIP AND HAPPINESS" or whatever on it, and I refuse to get them. Just let me buy my daughter a T-shirt with a cute animal on it without trying to reinforce her expected role in society, please.
Men are the ones that need the "be kind" messaging, but ofc women are the ones expected to become mommy/therapist/saint/maid for every man in the world. Being kind seems to mean getting rid of any remaining boundaries or thoughts of your own.
Getting angry and mean sometimes as a woman is freeing. :) I love when I see other women confidently saying no and prioritizing themselves.
It only works one way. They are never asked to be kind to women.
all the phrases like Debbie Downer and Negative Nancy are centred around female names.
Exactly. And it isn't really just a request, it's an admonishment. It's a reminder of your role, to stay in your place, not get any ideas that your thoughts and feelings matter as much as those belonging to the people you're being told to prioritize (who are overwhelmingly male). it smacks of being shut out of the room while the men smoke and drink and talk politics and business and current events. It's a reminder that we're to go graciously along with whatever others decide, that we don't get to decide for ourselves.
This feels like the same vein as “hearts not parts” turning into “genital preferences are bigoted” (saw one comment/post here saying that). It’s odd, it seems like so many of these new phrases hurled at lesbians and women in general is the same misogynistic sewage that has always been said.
Another post here discussed the connections between libfem and trad ideologies and I just can’t help but feel like it’s all connected. Are these separate groups all reinventing the wheel of misogyny and denial of male depravity, and just slapping different words on the same meaning? Is it some orchestrated thing meant to silence the feminazis and give men and their penises whatever they want? I’m sure if I looked into this more deeply there would be more parallels I’m not seeing, but anyways…
Just remember, misogyny is eternal, ladies!
As the ex-wife of a TIM I so abhor "hearts not parts." It's a one-sided condemnation meant to shame and alter the behavior of the person who is not sexually attracted to a trans-identified person. But if parts don't matter, and only the heart matters, why isn't that sentiment equally applied to the trans-identified person? Why not say to that trans-identified person, "Oh, your parts don't matter! Everyone can see what's in your heart, and that's what's important!"
The "parts" were so important to my now-ex that he was willing to jettison a 32 year marriage and jeopardize both our financial states in retirement. So why wasn't I allowed to say that his parts were important to me, too?
The correct retort to “just be kind” is “don’t fucking tell me what to do” or “mind your own fucking business”. If in a hurry, “nobody asked” works too.
Honestly, if a trans person told me to “Be Kind”, I’d be so tempted to say “I’ll be what I want to be. Isn’t that what you get to do?”
IMO the smile thing is less about men having to look at frustration and more about them assuming women exist to be pretty and assuming we agree. Like if they remind us we'd be prettier smiling, our reaction should be, oh, thank you for helping me fulfill my purpose which is to get pretty for you!
So apparently women who smile are considered more attractive to men (for some reason it doesn't apply in the reverse?)
It's another manifestation of the male gaze - we're expected to look good to them at all times in public
What a great insight you've had.
From the perspective of not quite 70 years experience it is my contention that the admonition to "smile" is part and parcel of the whole "keep sweet," "get in line," "signal to me your acquiescence to my male control." "Just be kind" is the latest addition to the list.
“Be kind” angers me more than “smile more” because it never means just “put on a nice face for me,” it means “allow the most perverted men into your toilets, showers, shelters, everywhere.”
Yes, it means "be willing to ignore your instincts and erase your boundaries."
"Put on a happy face" is the gateway drug.
Aye, true.
This. "Be kind" rattles my nerves so bad because it comes off as a thinly veiled threat, especially when it comes to women speaking their minds about certain issues. Anyone who says that to me.... Instant cut off. I don't owe anyone kindness.
Precisely. The only beings I owe kindness are my cats. Humans? Nah.
Yep!! At least some of the "smile" crowd are clueless but "well meaning " men. The be kind people are downright evil misogynists.
Precisely!