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I didn’t realize how entirely awful everything about gender ideology was until my boyfriend came out as a TIM, and I had the most traumatic and stressful 9 months of my life as the relationship with the man I thought I’d marry completely and totally disintegrated.

4 years into this relationship and a plan to move cross country post covid set, he had an “epiphany” one day, and came to me sobbing that he thinks he’s a woman. Inside I completely shattered, as despite me desperately denying this fact for the 9 months that would follow, the relationship was doomed. On the outside, I immediately locked all my feelings in the deepest darkest corner of my mind and reassured him that it was ok, that we would figure this out.

The first week he was getting super antsy, as I was taking some space to try to process and cope with the rollercoaster I did not get in line for but suddenly found myself strapped into. He waffled back and forth, saying he probably jumped the gun and that maybe he could settle as a “they”. I went to an extremely liberal college and had a few TIFs as friends but knew no TIMs, so while I wasn’t completely steeped in transgender ideology, I had a mostly benevolent stance towards it. But even then, I knew nonbinaries and “they/them”s were some narcissistic navel gazers. But I was so hopelessly in love and committed to this man that this seemed like an actual gift. I could deal with calling him a they for a year or two, and then hopefully he would grow up and realize how idiotic that shit was and we’d laugh about it.

I was also very sure this was the result of extremely poor mental health from the pandemic, as he has always been a super spontaneous extrovert, and not being able to connect with friends the way he was used to was causing severe and observable mental and emotional distress for him. So I foolishly clung to the hope that once his mental health improved, this would all disappear.

The first few months I kept mostly silent, not wanting to sway or push him. He bought these hideous women’s clothes from thrift stores. Like literally the ugliest mix of old lady and 2011 tween girl style you could imagine. I would repeatedly state that clothes don’t make womanhood, and if he just wanted to wear dresses and skirts that doesn’t make him a woman, but a gender nonconforming man. Which is totally fine. In this early stage he would get extremely angry and aggressive when I pointed out that everything he brought up about why he believed he was a woman was just superficial and meant nothing, so I learned to shut up and just avoid the topic. He began to speak to me less and less, and this increased my distress.

I was so constantly stressed at the idea of my relationship being in limbo, that this insane delusion I was trying so hard to coax him out of was slowly and painfully destroying the person I loved most. I started having severe health issues that I won’t specify, but I now know were all related to the incessant stress I was under. I remember I’d told him about an appointment I had to address what I thought could be a severe and dangerous health issue. When I mentioned that I’d gone he didn’t even ask how I was or what the actual problem turned out to be.

I finally broke and demanded to know what was up, why wasn’t he even giving me the time of day. It seemed like he didn’t even like me anymore, let alone love me. I was bending over backwards while walking on eggshells to try to support him while he figured himself out, and he couldn’t even ask how my doctor’s appointment went. I told him how depressed I was, how it felt like he had ripped the floor out from under me and left me to fall on my own. His response was essentially that he’d sensed how much “negative energy” I’d been having recently so he didn’t like talking to me. Me being depressed because of how terribly he was treating me was bumming him out too much to talk to me apparently. This is where I should’ve ended it, but believe it or not I was so brainwashed at this point that I apologized! In fact, most of this talk ended up with me apologizing to HIM for not being open enough with my thoughts, and that I was sorry, but I just had so many negative thoughts that I knew would hurt him, so I kept them in.

We ended the conversation promising to be more open to discussion on both sides, which obviously did not happen. He had basically conditioned me to know that if I didn’t 100% affirm his thoughts and feelings he’d get angry. How on Earth could I have been more open with him when every single time I tried being honest, he’d shut me down immediately? I know it’s ridiculous of me to have apologized, and so profusely at that, and it is honestly incredibly embarrassing to me now.

Early on I found r/mypartneristrans, which is an absolutely horrible source to have found. It seemed literally everywhere I checked online, people who were in situations like me were called bigots for even wanting to leave. We were called terrible people and were told that we never really loved our partners if we couldn’t get past this insane new development in our relationships. I was seeing all the glaring holes in TRA logic and in trans ideology, yet I was still harboring insane amounts of guilt because of all the liberal college indoctrination I paid too much money for. I found Ovarit by chance from some random reddit comment, and lurking here on Ovarit truly gave me the sanity I needed to carry me through this. It was so freeing to finally see the other perspective, the sane one that I couldn’t believe wasn’t the majority (online at least). I also couldn’t talk to most of my friends about what was happening because of how “woke” they are. On top of all the stress this situation caused me, it was extremely isolating and lonely to have to go through it alone. I literally, no joke, have a bunch of grey hairs from the experience.

Also, once I learned about autogynephilia from Ovarit, there was no going back. One of the reasons he gave me for him being a woman that I won’t specify, mostly for anonymity’s sake, was the most blatantly autogynephilic thing in the world once I had the word for context. To this day he still never said anything more substantial than wanting boobs, to wear makeup, to wear dresses, and to shave his pits. The epitome of womanhood, shaving our fucking pits. He would see me forget to shave for like a week and magically still be a woman, yet he still stupidly thinks that’s an actual logical point to him being the opposite sex. This man, only 4 years ago, was banging on about how dumb makeup was, and now he wants to go around in literal, self-proclaimed, drag face levels of makeup. I see now this is all complete social contagion that vulnerable people cling to.

He kept lying about checkpoints he’d reach on his decision, then he’d ignore the boundaries I set for new “revelations”, like " please don’t drop them on me in the middle of my work day because it causes me emotional distress and makes working unbearable". He would almost always divulge new information in a way I explicitly asked him not to, to the point where I was wondering if it was on purpose or if he was just actually an idiot. He would drop stuff like his ~new name~ so fucking casually on me, as if a partner changing their literal identity and name isn’t a big deal. He hadn’t even confirmed he had decided on transing himself, yet here was a new female name! This is when I realized for sure he was trying to manipulate me into slowly just accepting everything, and he was lying by omission constantly about where he was at in the “process,” for lack of a better word.

Honestly, the reason I stayed so long past the first few months was that I still loved him and was horrified at the idea that he was about to destroy his body for his delusions, as everyone else in his life was just affirming him. I thought he was just mentally unwell and bought into the idea that he’d kill himself if I pushed too hard against it, which is why I was never more direct than “womanhood isn’t clothes”. I now regret not pushing back more. But one day in a beautiful moment of clarity, it hit me that it just is not my responsibility to make sure this asshole doesn’t destroy himself. An obvious statement I know, but love truly is a hell of a drug.

I broke up with him finally, FINALLY, and started therapy. I purposely avoided therapists that advertised LGBTQ+ specialty counseling, as I probably would have imploded if I told a therapist what had happened and they touted some TRA nonsense back at me. Luckily I found a lovely therapist who sympathized with me completely, and if they weren’t a terf before me, they are now.

I've been healing and making progress, but he recently came out on social media. Someone in my family I hadn't told sent it to me asking what happened, and I realized a whole bunch of my friends had liked it and were celebrating him. Not one even reached out to me to ask how I'm doing, or even if the relationship is still intact. They weren't even shared friends, they were my friends and only knew him through me. I wish I could say this wasn't devastating and it didn't completely fuck up a lot of the emotional progress I've made. But it is so painful to see someone who hurt and tried to manipulate me for months be praised for wearing an ugly outfit and having ugly, stringy hair. The bar for these men is truly on the floor. Even though they're clearly shitty friends who I honestly don’t even miss much, it's really painful to know validating his fetish is more important to them than checking in on me. I tried to explain to one of my closer friends, and they ignored me and completely cut contact. So I’m done with all of them.

Thanks very much to the woman who read my shorter post on Saidit and gave me my invite code. Happy to finally be amongst some sane individuals, and happy to say I’ve been peaked 10 times over. I genuinely don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let myself date a man again, but at least from this experience I have finally learned that they are not worth body destroying amounts of stress! Would much rather be a healthy spinster.

If any woman who is going through what I did happens to stumble upon Ovarit and this post, I just want you to know I understand why it’s so hard to abandon a relationship you’ve put a lot of care and time into, despite how obviously it may be hurting you. And that you are not a bad person for waking up and leaving.

I didn’t realize how entirely awful everything about gender ideology was until my boyfriend came out as a TIM, and I had the most traumatic and stressful 9 months of my life as the relationship with the man I thought I’d marry completely and totally disintegrated. 4 years into this relationship and a plan to move cross country post covid set, he had an “epiphany” one day, and came to me sobbing that he thinks he’s a woman. Inside I completely shattered, as despite me desperately denying this fact for the 9 months that would follow, the relationship was doomed. On the outside, I immediately locked all my feelings in the deepest darkest corner of my mind and reassured him that it was ok, that we would figure this out. The first week he was getting super antsy, as I was taking some space to try to process and cope with the rollercoaster I did not get in line for but suddenly found myself strapped into. He waffled back and forth, saying he probably jumped the gun and that maybe he could settle as a “they”. I went to an extremely liberal college and had a few TIFs as friends but knew no TIMs, so while I wasn’t completely steeped in transgender ideology, I had a mostly benevolent stance towards it. But even then, I knew nonbinaries and “they/them”s were some narcissistic navel gazers. But I was so hopelessly in love and committed to this man that this seemed like an actual gift. I could deal with calling him a they for a year or two, and then hopefully he would grow up and realize how idiotic that shit was and we’d laugh about it. I was also very sure this was the result of extremely poor mental health from the pandemic, as he has always been a super spontaneous extrovert, and not being able to connect with friends the way he was used to was causing severe and observable mental and emotional distress for him. So I foolishly clung to the hope that once his mental health improved, this would all disappear. The first few months I kept mostly silent, not wanting to sway or push him. He bought these hideous women’s clothes from thrift stores. Like literally the ugliest mix of old lady and 2011 tween girl style you could imagine. I would repeatedly state that clothes don’t make womanhood, and if he just wanted to wear dresses and skirts that doesn’t make him a woman, but a gender nonconforming man. Which is totally fine. In this early stage he would get extremely angry and aggressive when I pointed out that everything he brought up about why he believed he was a woman was just superficial and meant nothing, so I learned to shut up and just avoid the topic. He began to speak to me less and less, and this increased my distress. I was so constantly stressed at the idea of my relationship being in limbo, that this insane delusion I was trying so hard to coax him out of was slowly and painfully destroying the person I loved most. I started having severe health issues that I won’t specify, but I now know were all related to the incessant stress I was under. I remember I’d told him about an appointment I had to address what I thought could be a severe and dangerous health issue. When I mentioned that I’d gone he didn’t even ask how I was or what the actual problem turned out to be. I finally broke and demanded to know what was up, why wasn’t he even giving me the time of day. It seemed like he didn’t even like me anymore, let alone love me. I was bending over backwards while walking on eggshells to try to support him while he figured himself out, and he couldn’t even ask how my doctor’s appointment went. I told him how depressed I was, how it felt like he had ripped the floor out from under me and left me to fall on my own. His response was essentially that he’d sensed how much “negative energy” I’d been having recently so he didn’t like talking to me. Me being depressed because of how terribly he was treating me was bumming him out too much to talk to me apparently. This is where I should’ve ended it, but believe it or not I was so brainwashed at this point that I apologized! In fact, most of this talk ended up with me apologizing to HIM for not being open enough with my thoughts, and that I was sorry, but I just had so many negative thoughts that I knew would hurt him, so I kept them in. We ended the conversation promising to be more open to discussion on both sides, which obviously did not happen. He had basically conditioned me to know that if I didn’t 100% affirm his thoughts and feelings he’d get angry. How on Earth could I have been more open with him when every single time I tried being honest, he’d shut me down immediately? I know it’s ridiculous of me to have apologized, and so profusely at that, and it is honestly incredibly embarrassing to me now. Early on I found r/mypartneristrans, which is an absolutely horrible source to have found. It seemed literally everywhere I checked online, people who were in situations like me were called bigots for even wanting to leave. We were called terrible people and were told that we never really loved our partners if we couldn’t get past this insane new development in our relationships. I was seeing all the glaring holes in TRA logic and in trans ideology, yet I was still harboring insane amounts of guilt because of all the liberal college indoctrination I paid too much money for. I found Ovarit by chance from some random reddit comment, and lurking here on Ovarit truly gave me the sanity I needed to carry me through this. It was so freeing to finally see the other perspective, the sane one that I couldn’t believe wasn’t the majority (online at least). I also couldn’t talk to most of my friends about what was happening because of how “woke” they are. On top of all the stress this situation caused me, it was extremely isolating and lonely to have to go through it alone. I literally, no joke, have a bunch of grey hairs from the experience. Also, once I learned about autogynephilia from Ovarit, there was no going back. One of the reasons he gave me for him being a woman that I won’t specify, mostly for anonymity’s sake, was the most blatantly autogynephilic thing in the world once I had the word for context. To this day he still never said anything more substantial than wanting boobs, to wear makeup, to wear dresses, and to shave his pits. The epitome of womanhood, shaving our fucking pits. He would see me forget to shave for like a week and magically still be a woman, yet he still stupidly thinks that’s an actual logical point to him being the opposite sex. This man, only 4 years ago, was banging on about how dumb makeup was, and now he wants to go around in literal, self-proclaimed, drag face levels of makeup. I see now this is all complete social contagion that vulnerable people cling to. He kept lying about checkpoints he’d reach on his decision, then he’d ignore the boundaries I set for new “revelations”, like " please don’t drop them on me in the middle of my work day because it causes me emotional distress and makes working unbearable". He would almost always divulge new information in a way I explicitly asked him not to, to the point where I was wondering if it was on purpose or if he was just actually an idiot. He would drop stuff like his ~new name~ so fucking casually on me, as if a partner changing their literal identity and name isn’t a big deal. He hadn’t even confirmed he had decided on transing himself, yet here was a new female name! This is when I realized for sure he was trying to manipulate me into slowly just accepting everything, and he was lying by omission constantly about where he was at in the “process,” for lack of a better word. Honestly, the reason I stayed so long past the first few months was that I still loved him and was horrified at the idea that he was about to destroy his body for his delusions, as everyone else in his life was just affirming him. I thought he was just mentally unwell and bought into the idea that he’d kill himself if I pushed too hard against it, which is why I was never more direct than “womanhood isn’t clothes”. I now regret not pushing back more. But one day in a beautiful moment of clarity, it hit me that it just is not my responsibility to make sure this asshole doesn’t destroy himself. An obvious statement I know, but love truly is a hell of a drug. I broke up with him finally, FINALLY, and started therapy. I purposely avoided therapists that advertised LGBTQ+ specialty counseling, as I probably would have imploded if I told a therapist what had happened and they touted some TRA nonsense back at me. Luckily I found a lovely therapist who sympathized with me completely, and if they weren’t a terf before me, they are now. I've been healing and making progress, but he recently came out on social media. Someone in my family I hadn't told sent it to me asking what happened, and I realized a whole bunch of my friends had liked it and were celebrating him. Not one even reached out to me to ask how I'm doing, or even if the relationship is still intact. They weren't even shared friends, they were my friends and only knew him through me. I wish I could say this wasn't devastating and it didn't completely fuck up a lot of the emotional progress I've made. But it is so painful to see someone who hurt and tried to manipulate me for months be praised for wearing an ugly outfit and having ugly, stringy hair. The bar for these men is truly on the floor. Even though they're clearly shitty friends who I honestly don’t even miss much, it's really painful to know validating his fetish is more important to them than checking in on me. I tried to explain to one of my closer friends, and they ignored me and completely cut contact. So I’m done with all of them. Thanks very much to the woman who read my shorter post on Saidit and gave me my invite code. Happy to finally be amongst some sane individuals, and happy to say I’ve been peaked 10 times over. I genuinely don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let myself date a man again, but at least from this experience I have finally learned that they are not worth body destroying amounts of stress! Would much rather be a healthy spinster. If any woman who is going through what I did happens to stumble upon Ovarit and this post, I just want you to know I understand why it’s so hard to abandon a relationship you’ve put a lot of care and time into, despite how obviously it may be hurting you. And that you are not a bad person for waking up and leaving.

156 comments

"...An obscenely long rant..."? Not by a long shot. :)

Your former boyfriend (almost husband - boy, you missed a bullet there, didn't you?) told you he wanted to "transition" into womanhood (whatever the hell that means, when one has gone through male puberty and is perfectly capable of impregnating actual women), and your world...all your expectations...all your plans...the way you viewed your relationship...the way you viewed the world...collapsed.

A much longer "rant" is required...

Truly, truly dodged several bullets. I remember trying to explain to him that everything was stressful because it changed so much of the relationship, and he just kept insisting that he was just as he always was and nothing was changing. You can't do much more than stare at him like ????????. You are under the delusion that you can change your entire sex and are going to adjust your habits and behaviors to meet that delusion. But okay, good to know nothing's changing!

"he just kept insisting that he was just as he always was and nothing was changing" Then why the hell does he need to transition at all? If his former state is his present state, then what the hell is he nattering on about?

Exactly! If you are so contented with your previous self that nothing is changing literally why are you about to stick hormones that don't belong to you into your body?

This whole "nothing's changing" thing is a constant drumbeat from TRAs who seem to think that it's the end of the discussion. "She's still the same person inside" (while right-sexing/misgendering) was supposed to shut me down when I was worrying about my friend's behavior changes and concerned that she might starting injecting testosterone. I don't think this would be trotted out for any other life-changing behavior, like becoming a drug addict or dropping out of school or marrying someone twice your age.

Not to mention the whole 'they can be themselves now'. So... the person I liked/fell in love with was a front, defensive or not, and is now, for all intents and purposes, dead? For most people, that means relationship o-v-e-r.

to "transition" into womanhood (whatever the hell that means, when one has gone through male puberty and is perfectly capable of impregnating actual women)

Appropriation. That's what it means. When I'm in a generous mood, I occasionally use the phrase "male dreamtime" to describe the way men truly feel they can do whatever they want, whenever they want, wherever they want, however they want, and in so doing tread on whomever they want.

Carry on.

hey, at least he didn't "discover herself" after marriage and a new baby, a la so many AGP narcs who've had their spotlight stolen.

oh, every day I remind myself how grateful I am for this to have happened before marriage and not after. I've read some trans widow stories of this happening decades into a marriage and I don't even know how they cope

[+] [Deleted] 26 points

Wow, he has put you through hell! And actually I have to say, with that level of manipulation going on, I think you’ve done really well to get out so quickly Great that you found Ovarit! Good to have you here :)

Btw, if it helps this website has stories from several women who have been in your situation: https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/

Also both Karen Davis, on her YouTube channel called You’re Kidding Right?, and Graham Linehan, on his YouTube channel (just called Graham Linehan), have interviewed Trans Widows

I've seen both of these people on Ovarit during my lurking period and watching their content has definitely helped, thank you!

My ex told me he thought he might be trans because "he didn't like toxic masculinity" and I was just like... that still doesn't make you a woman. Jesus, they give all these excuses and none of them actually make sense. I fantasize about growing older and living on a farm with a bunch of other women away from men. Away from AGPs and men who reduce us to sill stereotypes. Hope you're healing and you def dodged a bullet!

I would love to live in a 70's style all women commune.

[–] elleelle 23 points Edited

I really want to do this. I own 20A of land with significant infrastructure- as in, I own it, outright.

The trouble is I have two sons. My sons aren't trouble, they're rad, but idk what I could do with mine or the boy children of other moms.

Like a pride of lionesses, I say we allow them to stay until they reach maturity, then kick them out.

As a boy mom myself. I would also love to start a women only intentional community.

I also have a boy and agree, when they hit puberty, they're out. Also, i assume that in a women only -radfem!- community the chances of young 8 year old boys consuming porn is null. This also simplifies things for a bit longer.

It seems to me that a lot of men who have like, the baseline level of empathy to be a decent person think that means they're women for some reason? Like please, focus on improving men around you so that you can exist as the male you are with basic empathy (assuming they actually have it).

[–] [Deleted] oh no a TERF 11 points

Username checks out

But fr, same. I fantasise about joining a women-only commune all the time. Preferably in the woods that's also by the shore, but that may be asking for too much.

That's also my dream location haha. Would choose woods over beach if I had to pick tho. I'd want to have animals too but I would fear TRAs finding out about the commune and hurting the animals as a warning.

In addition to tech skills, I'm also a dab hand at getting gardens started (but not like, keeping things alive) and also preventing ticks in our woody oasis. :) Hooray for backwoods hillbilly home training.

I love how they don't think we're allowed to be upset and leave them when they "become a woman"

Becomes a white nationalist - Leave him - "Yas, girl!"

Becomes a woman - Leave him - "BIGOT!"

ETA- sorry, I messed up the formatting so many times I forgot to leave my reply to you...

I'm so, so, beyond sorry this garbage destroyed your relationship and literally made you physically ill. The fact that YOUR friends haven't even reached out to you is not only heartless, it just shows how much value people put into woke virtue signaling and hug boxing on social media. They'd rather not appear to be "bigots" than be actual good people who care about their friend. For that, I'm really sorry.

the worst victim of this are those poor bisexual women. straight women have an escape in "well twaw but i'm straight so i'm out!!" bisexual women are fucked socially if they ollie outie.

terrible for lesbians, terrible for bisexuals, terrible for gay men... lgb can't drop the t fast enough.

[–] no- 24 points

I wonder how Ellen/Elliot Page's ex-wife is doing, do you think all of her friends dropped her? I know she made a statement saying Elliot was a gift and whatnot, but I don't believe for a second she was being sincere, otherwise she would have stayed with Page.

depends if she id'd bi, i guess (no idea). but the easy way out would be "elliot is such a REE-YAL MAY-UN my lesbian self can't take it!!!"

nothing like validating their delusions to inspire raucous applause.

Page looks deep into drugs. I’m sure the TIF situation didn’t help the marriage, but my guess is there was a lot going ok behind the scenes.

[–] ouvalemonde madfem 22 points

Bi women are practically the TIM dumping ground 😔

IDK, we've talked about how that a change from "lesbian" to "bi" on any dating/hookup app makes you go from "inundated with girldick" to "ignored by tims" here before....

This is true but sorry, I have to nitpick: he didn’t “become a woman”, no man can

If my bf/husband came out as a TIM, I'd leave immediately. No "omg let me put your makeup, you will be a cute woman let me help you with clothes", just leave immediately. I have read too many stories about trans widows, rn i'm single but if this ever happens to me i know what to do.

I told my husband this a while back.

"Let me just let you know now, so we're clear, if you're harboring any desire to put on panties or "become" a woman, let's just get divorced right now because I'm not staying."

lololol

Welcome to Ovarit! I was desperate to be a good person and fit in and understand and accept trans ideology (or "trans people" as the manipulative bastards put it), but coming here, I just couldn't unsee common sense. Try as I might, I can no longer fake it, no matter what.

I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend, and honestly, you dodged a bullet there. Even if he wasn't going trans, there is a big chance he would've been emotionally abusive. Those things are psychological, not political or ideological. You seemed to struggle with codependency/people pleasing/being nice as most women are socialised to be, and there is a specific type of men who are attracted to nice women, and often their intention is to take advantage of them. They start by pretending to be charming and slowly groom their victim into accepting more and more unacceptable thing. Sadly that kind of immaturity is very common in people socialised as men, because they are not taught empathy and boundaries, so they do not have a problem with getting their needs met through manipulation.

You know what’s wild about reading this? It could have been written by me, almost word for word. Autogynephiles are so fucking textbook. Narcissism, check. Defining women by stereotypes, check. Manipulation, check.

I wrote this earlier today and wanted to share it with you just to show how mirrored our experiences are:

“I reiterated the points to my ex that I had sent in an e-mail the year before-- that I was not interested in the fetishistic sex we were having and that I was attracted to only women. I was leaving and it was final. His identity did not change that I had no attraction to him. This set off the narcissist in him. He proceeded to contact everyone I knew-- online friends, school friends, friends I hadn't talked to in 8 years, my cousin, even my own parents-- and prep them with a manipulative speech of his own design. He said "[Name] always lies and she's about to lie to you again. Don't believe her. Here's my side of the story."

I'm not even sure what else he told them beyond that, but I was told that’s how he began. And you know what? They believed him. They saw the sad puppy dog eyes I had seen years ago and chose to believe him over me, the person they had known longer than him. Just recounting it makes me sick to my stomach. This happened years ago now and I still cry to my therapist about it. I can’t believe my friends cared more about this performance than me as their friend.”

That is so unbelievably devastating that he purposefully went and destroyed your friendships like that. I have a feeling the friend I tried to reach out to probably went to talk to my ex and that's why he completely cut contact, but I have just decided to drop everyone else and haven't dug into if he's spoken to them, so I thankfully have a lot less knowledge about to what extent he has personally been fucking around with my friendships.

I truly don't understand what is so captivating about people transing themselves that it makes people completely disregard and and abandon friendships. Like I get they want to be seen as good progressives and whatever, but I can't imagine abandoning a friend or relative over something like this. I'm so sorry he did that to you, it truly hurts so much to know supporting a delusion that is obviously a performance is seen as more important than you by others.

I hope you know how much I appreciated you sharing your story. I know I’m so grateful I finally found a community that finally sees my pain and maybe we can start to heal a little. No obligation at all but I wanted to open the door if you ever wanted to talk to someone who went through something similar (down to my ex’s love of being ~submissive~ and that making him feel like a woman, barf!). Take care, do something nice for yourself today.

I'm glad sharing has been beneficial to you, even a little! I know for me, and likely the majority of women forced through this awful situation, one of the worst parts was how devastatingly isolated you become. Both from how uniquely awful the situation is, and also from the fear of talking about it because you know it will likely lead to some level of ostracization. I am definitely open to talking to you about all of this some time!

They really go for the slash and burn don't they?

Thankfully all I lost was Facebook friends. Was a bit difficult with immediate family, however my behavioural predictions materialised over time and we're back on track.

I'm sorry you went through that and people believed him. We're also left without the luxury of rose tinted glasses. Leaves us in a Cassandra role, forever saying it how it is and not being heard.

Read every word. So sorry that happened to you. You deserve better! I hope you find a partner (and new friends!) who actually value you. Take care.

[–] Gwen 27 points

I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. Don't blame yourself for not leaving sooner. Feelings don't switch on and off like a lightbulb and you'd been with this man for years. It takes time to mourn a relationship and the future you might have had.

The way he was updating you on new developments makes me wonder if he was deliberately trying to hurt you. Either way he sounds incredibly selfish and you will be much better off without him.

yeah, the updates are the thing I'm left wondering about the most after everything has settled. I still can't tell if it was an extremely poor attempt at manipulation or if it was deliberately malicious. Finally just settled on both perspective sucking either way

the point where I was wondering if it was on purpose or if he was just actually an idiot.

Yes, it was on purpose. I dated a guy like that too (only he wasn't an AGP), violating our boundaries to hurt us gives them pleasure. I'm glad that you got out before marriage or kids happened. That r/mypartneristrans subreddit is full of pushy trans people who are only there to manipulate and judge.

Yes, eternally grateful this bomb dropped before marriage or kids! And at first I saw the r/mypartneristrans subreddit and felt a small amount of comfort, because I could finally see some people struggling like I was. But then all the comments are just tripping over themselves to excuse bad behavior from trans people because its "their time to be selfish and figure themselves out". Truly highlighted the unequal relationship that develops when a partner comes out as trans

I imagine a lot of people make the same mistake, thinking they've found a supportive and understanding place based on the name of that subreddit. The lack of empathy and sense of entitlement those guys have is jaw-dropping. What's funny is that once when I was reading that sub, a guy told a woman looking for help that she shouldn't even lurk in subs meant for the trans-identified, because it's just for them lol.

The excuse that these men are going through a second puberty (the puberty they "should" have had), and wives are supposed to put up with it drives me nuts.

I gave my own kids going through puberty just a little wiggle room for that crap, and their puberty was real!

[–] no- 5 points

Does anyone know if you can still message other reddit users when your IP is blacklisted on reddit (like mine is, I think)? I have way too many codes I don't know what to do with, so I was thinking about making a new reddit account so I can go to that sub looking for women who might want codes.

I have a bunch of codes myself. You could download the Tor browser to visit reddit with, they give you a new IP each time from countries all over the world. I've given out around 3 on Reddit over the past few moths.

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