Of course, I didn't peak all in one day. It was a process that took about a week, building up to a critical mass. March 20th, 2022, is when it began, so I thought I would look back at that. (I forgot to post this a couple of days ago. Oops.)

Fuels the fire, burns so bright; - March 20-26

At the time, I was already familiar with some facets of radical feminism, such as criticism of the sex trade. I'd been exposed to bits and pieces of gender critical thought before, but mostly on one-off occasions, and I usually just took screenshots or bookmarked posts and moved on being trans-supportive. I got the idea to make a compilation of anti-porn and anti-prostitution resources online (which never came to fruition), and began searching for that on Reddit subs which I was familiar with.

One of those resources which I found in the comments of a post was a Wordpress blog called Radical Hub Archives, which had served as an aggregator in the early 2010s but has long since been an archive. I saved a few posts from that because I thought they were interesting, but there was one regarding the Cotton Ceiling that stood out to me because it discussed transgender topics. I didn't really know that that was a point of contention within feminist spheres, so of course, I saved that too. I got bored of looking for resources after a little while, and that was that.

However, that little trans tidbit I stumbled across kept poking at the back of my head, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was supposed to meet up with a trans-identifying friend a couple of days after that, but decided against it when her "deadname" started to become an intrusive thought after reading that post. That was a little distressing for me, still being trans-supportive, and even though it was all in my head, I thought it might be a little awkward.

Climbing the peak, late into the night. - March 27-31

After that, I just forgot about it all for a few days. Without getting too specific, my birthday was that week, so my resources list and the trans post were at the back of my mind, until the 27th. I suppose I got some sort of revitalization to work on the list, so I went back to Reddit on the hunt for more resources.

This time, I found a Tumblr blog run by a radical feminist, and out of curiosity, I began to read through it. That turned into staying up until two in the morning, because her blog was chock full of gender critical posts, and it was enthralling. The truth about hormones, detransitioners, men in women's prisons and other single-sex spaces, it was a massive "holy shit" moment. What finally pushed me over the edge was seeing how violent transactivists had been, both in person and online. The homophobia, misogyny, and sometimes even racism was appalling and sickening. I spent the next few days after that continuing to catch up on this topic that was so new to me.

Looking back on it now, I have this nostalgic part of me that wishes I could relive that week. There's not a lot I would change, but I think that one of the things I should have done was make a pseudonym for myself to talk about trans topics under. Iota Aurigae had been my online moniker of choice for a while before that, and being so open about my criticisms of gender would have a couple of ramifications on my social circles.

But at the same time, I don't regret it. Sure, I've lost several friends, and I've been smeared as a terrible transphobic bigot throughout a couple of communities. That hurt a lot more back then. To be honest, in my earlier days of gender criticism, I had this idea that I could peak my friends and others I cared about as easily as I had. Of course, that didn't go so well. However, I've made new friends and put down roots in new communities, and I appreciate the sense of sisterhood I've been lucky to experience since.

Radical feminism has taught me a lot about myself, too. I have an appreciation for myself that I didn't before, and writing on these topics has made me think seriously about pursuing a career in journalism. I've found an outlet for something which has always been a passion of mine, even if I can't be as attentive to it as I'd wish.

I get that being so aware of the pervasive misogyny can negatively affect your mental health. It's something I'm extraordinarily grateful for, though, and I'm more than happy to be known as someone who would rather go out fighting than die on her knees.