This morning I saw a post by a sad sad TIM about how he’s scawed to leave his house cuz skinheads. He concluded by asking why they can’t just have a queer island to flee to.
And I thought to myself, “that would make a great reality show.”
So without further ado, I present to you a commercial for “Queer Island”:
Voiceover: Tonight on “Queer Island”! Panic in Little Palestine! Mothers, fathers, non-binary parents, and birthing bodies of all shape, size, color, creed, gender, and sexuality rush to Brianna Ghey High School after rumors of a mass misgendering! Are they true?
Aidan (screaming at an unarmed mental health officer): “I need to know if my kiddo is okay!”
Officer: “I’ll try to find whatever info I can. What is your child’s name?”
Aidan: “Jax.”
Officer: “Male or female?”
Aidan: “THAT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!”
Voiceover: There’s more drama in the Arts District as rival polycules face off for the second time this month! Will the Artemis/Lilith/Kai/Lucy/Saffron/Jade polycule get first dibs on the laundry room, or will the Lilith/Luna/Aidan/Noah/Cassie/Sephora/Rose/Persephone polycule be victorious once again?
Persephone (to the camera): “Look, all the girls here on E have oozing princess wands; the sheets have just gotten too stiff to be functional, so we NEED to wash them.”
Voiceover: Dyke Village is under threat! Sandra Stevens thinks the word dyke is offensive and wants it to be renamed. Sailor Moon Goldentits wants the name to stay. Will it come to blows?
Sandra (to Sailor Moon): “All I’m trying to say is that that word has a negative hist-“
Sailor Moon: “We’re reclaiming the word, bitch. Wanna throw down?”
Voiceover: It’s every woman and old lesbian cissie for themselves as an estrogen shortage hits the island!
Luna (to camera): “I don’t care how many eighty year old dykes I have to run over, I’m getting my E! I don’t CARE how bad their menopause is! Nobody wants their dried up old kitties anyway!”
Voiceover: Terror grips the island as a prankster sets off the Matt Walsh Alarms! Skirts go spinny as thousands flee to their bunkers!
Lilith (to Ruby): “We have to run, Ruby! Just grab your Blahaj and run! Into the shelter!”
Ruby (to Lilith, after tripping and falling): “I can’t go on! E has made me so weak! Here, take ‘haj and go!”
Lilith (grabbing stuffed shark): “Oh okay. Bye.”
Voiceover: And we finally find out who misgendered Mayor Rhododendron Athena Nightingale! But their identity may shock you! Find out who dunnit, tonight on Queer Island, 9 PM eastern, 6 PM pacific! Only on NBC!