I hope it’s okay for me to post the chapter in full on here, as the Medium app is being seriously buggy right now

Adventures of a Biotrans Woman, Episode 3: Cloudy with a Chance of Genocide

We sat in relative silence as the car made its way down potholed and unpaved backcountry roads.

Every so often we’d thud our way over a particularly bad pothole, and one of the girls would writhe and moan as her seatbelt chafed her sensitive budding breasts and plunged her into a boobgasm.

Officer Bastard, in a transmisogynistic fit, broke the cacophony of uwus by asking “So can you run by me once again why you think Leonard is in the Bridgewater triangle?”

A scream issued from the backseat and the police cruiser swerved violently as Officer Bastard nearly jumped out of his skin.

“What in the HELL?!?” He shouted.

“YOU DEADNAMED HERRRRRR!!!” Roared Lilith Alice, holding her hands over her cat ears and rocking back and forth as far as the seatbelt allowed her. It responded by tightening an inch with each backward rock, until she was pinned against her seat and having boobgasm after boobgasm.

“Do you not understand that deadnaming someone is basically a form of conversion therapy?” Eli piped up, giving the shaking and trembling and vibrating Lilith Alice a copious amount of headpats. “And that conversion therapy is just a stepping stone on the path to genocide?”

“Look, I’m just going by his legal name,” Officer Bastard replied.

“OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!” Screamed Lilith Alice, “MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!!!!!”

“Sir? Sir! I’m going to need you to stop misgendering our friend!” Eli shouted with an air of authority to their voice. “Failure to do so will be considered an attempt at genocide, and I WILL HAVE YOUR BADGE!”

Officer Bastard chuckled. “Ma’am, do you even know what a genocide is?” He asked.

Lilith Alice roared, “OH MY GODDESS THEY’RE NOT A MA’AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!”

Officer Bastard slammed on the brakes, and everyone but Lilith Alice, who was still plastered cartoonishly against her seat, was thrust forward. Wigs were dislodged, uwus violently cut short, and dilators flung about the interior of the car.

Officer Bastard undid his seatbelt and threw his door open, got out, and opened the rear door. He undid Lilith Alice’s seatbelt and motioned for her to get out of the car.

Once she was out, Officer Bastard jumped back in and sped away, leaving a cloud of dust in our wake.

“Um…Mr. ACAB,” Jade tapped him on the shoulder, “how is Lilith Alice going to perform her afternoon dilation session if she’s on the side of the road and she doesn’t have her dilation to-go bag with her?”

No response.

“Hello? H-hello, Mr. Policeman? Uwu?”

Nothing.

“OH MY GOD MR. POLICE OFFICER LILITH ALICE WENT ALL THE WAY TO THAILAND TO HAVE HER DESIGNER PUSSY INSTALLED AND SHE’S ALREADY HAD FOUR REVISIONS AND DR. BANK SAID IF SHE LOSES DEPTH ONE MORE TIME HE WON’T OPERATE ON HER AGAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIN!!!!!! WE ARE IN STAGE 9 OF A TRANS GENOCIDE!!!!!!!”

The brakes slammed on again, and Officer Bastard exited the vehicle.

The next time we sped away, the entire polycule, save for Lilith Emma, who was dilating on the floor of the cruiser at the time and couldn’t be moved, was standing on the unpaved road, watching us forlornly through the dust cloud that the tires kicked up.

“You just left them on the side of the road?” Asked Lilith Emma.

“Yep, they lost their car privileges.”

“How will we find Lilith Luna without the entire polycule? If she’s in a heightened emotional state she sometimes only responds to polycule noises. Like grunts and uwus and slapping sounds and such.”

“Yeah, and smells, too.” I added.

“Absolutely! Like body odor and unwashed hair.”

“Too bad. They’re not getting back in my car.”

“Well I hope your negligence doesn’t get them raped. Because that’s MY affirmation fantasy and I’ll be damned if they steal it from me!” Lilith Emma put her hand to her mouth. “Oh goddesses…what if the perps force Fred and Eli and Noah to rape the girlies with their T-dicks? That would be affirmative for everyone, and they’d probably all post about it on r/ewphoria. No! I can’t even think of it! I can’t let them experience that milestone before me!!!”

“Shh, shhhhhhh,” I comforted her, “be a good girl and you’ll get headpats.”

She sat up straight. “Yes, please!”

“Later. First we find Lilith Luna.”

“Hmm,” she nuzzled herself into my arm, “probably a good idea, cuz I’m so eepy right now, and headpats make me more eepy.”

Officer Bastard grunted from the driver’s seat. “So anyway, like I was trying to ask earlier, why do you think Leonard is in the Bridgewater tri-?”

“Mr. Officer,” Lilith Emma interrupted, “You’re married, right?”

“I am…”

“Does this smell normal to you?” Lilith Emma stuck her lube-and-bodily-fluid-covered dilator in the bastard’s face.

“AHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK?!?!” Screamed the cop, batting the object away. It landed in the passenger seat, and he grabbed it by the lube-free end and chucked it out the window and into the forest.

“My orange soul source! WHY?????” Lilith Emma roared. “Why do people hate us so much over stuff that doesn’t affect them in any way?!?!?”

“What the fuck? You just shoved your fucking dildo in my face!” Officer Bastard bellowed.

“Um, okay first off it was a dilator - a very EXPENSIVE dilator. Second, you get up close and personal with your wife’s vaginal fluids at home, so I don’t really see why you can’t get up close and personal with mine here in this car right now.”

“It’s literally just transphobia, Lil,” I told her. “Total mask-off transphobia.”

Officer Bastard slammed both hands on the steering wheel and bellowed “Can I PLEASE ask the goddamned question I’ve been trying to ask for twenty minutes now?!?!? Or guess what? We’re done looking for your whackadoodle friend, and you two are spending the night in jail! Do you understand me?”

“Yes, sir.” I replied hastily, not wanting to provoke the man into implementing stage ten of genocide.

“Thank you. Now,” he took a deep breath in through his nose, “Why…do you think…Leonard…is in…the Bridgewater triangle?”

I clasped a hand over Lilith Emma’s mouth so she didn’t have another chance to piss the guy off and responded, “Sir, her name is Lilith.”

“Wait, he’s Lilith? I thought he was Lilith?” He motioned with his shoulder to Lilith Emma.

“SHE is Lilith,” I pointed to Lilith Emma, “and so is SHE, the one we’re looking for.”

“And what about the other guy? The screaming guy I kicked out first?”

Remain calm, I coaxed myself.

“The other GIRL…is also Lilith,” I informed the bastard.

“Nah, you’re pullin’ my leg, aren’t you? They can’t all be Lilith.”

“Nobody’s pulling your leg, Marky Mark. Their names are all Lilith.”

“Did they meet at some Lilith convention or something?”

“We met at Anime Boston,” piped up Lilith Emma the moment I removed my hand from her mouth, “That’s where I bought my Sailor Moon panties…” she trailed off, as though deep in thought, “…no wait, not the ones I’m wearing now…I stole these from my niece when I was babysitting her last week. But I’ll have you know that only 60% of attendees were named Lilith. There were also plenty of Artemises and Lunas and Lucys and Lilys and Alices and Kais and Finns and Aidans, too!”

“That’s nice, buddy,” Officer Bastard sighed loudly, “Now please, tell me why you think your friend is in the Bridgewater triangle.”

“Because the pukwudgies stole her E.” I told him, scratching my palm where Lilith Emma’s five o’clock shadow had given me a rash.

“In English, please.”

“Do you read Mein Kampf as a bedtime story, you racist fascist xenophobic Nazi Islamophobic antisemitic authoritarian transphobic homophobic acephobic lesbophobic misogynist anti-immigrant nationalist tyrannical MAGA alt right far right butthole?” I asked.

“ExCUSE me???” Officer Bastard whipped his head around to look at me, his eyes full of genocidal fire.

“Nothing!” I squeaked. “I said the pukwudgies stole her estrogen.”

Officer Bastard pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay. I don’t know what a fuckin’ pukwudgie is -“

I rolled my eyes. Of COURSE the Brownshirt has no knowledge of the folx of Algonquin legend. I was about to ream him out right then and there when Lilith Emma roared femininely, “THERE SHE IS!!!!!” and Officer Bastard hit the brakes. “Lilith! Lilith Luna! It’s us! Uwu!!!” Lilith Emma shouted into the darkness.

Sure enough, there was Lilith Luna, completely naked, crouched on a log, fishing around for something in the murky swamp.

“Oh my goddess it’s her! Lilith, get in the car!” I yelled.

“Wait a second, that guy’s naked.” The fascist foot soldier in the front seat stated.

“You mean that GIRL’S naked.” I corrected him.

“Nah nah nah, that’s a penis.”

“Well yes, but it’s a GIRL’S penis. Do you not have eyes?”

“What the fuck? There’s no such thing as a girl’s penis! That’s just a penis! On a man!”

“How do you know it’s a man’s penis, Adolf?” Lilith Emma asked, incredulous.

“Because it’s a penis! Men have penises! I have a penis too, because I’m a man!”

“Oh my god…are you threatening to rape us?” Lilith Emma started tittering with excitement, “Let me grab my lube!”

I wanted to be happy for Lilith Emma. She was about to receive the highest form of affirmation that a trans girl can receive. But I needed to get Lilith Luna out of that wet swamp and into the car.

“Are you insane?” Officer Bastard replied, getting dangerously close to genocide. “I’m not going to rape you, you nutjob! I’m saying that men have penises!”

“Um, it would be so much easier for everyone if you just admit that you’re transphobic,” I informed him. “Lilith Emma has a vagina that’s indistinguishable from a cis woman’s vagina. Yes, she may have hair growing inside it, but tons of cis women have hair inside their vaginas. Yes, she may have labia made from scrotum, but millions of cis women also have labia made from scrotum. For you to say that you wouldn’t rape Lilith Emma like you’d rape a cis woman, is barely-disguised bigotry and no less than an attempt at genocide.” I turned my attention back to Lilith Luna. “Get out of that swamp!”

“No!” She hopped onto another log. “I’m a pukwudgie now!”

“You’re not a pukwudgie!” I shouted back.

“I’m a pukwudgie if I say I’m a pukwudgie!”

“You’re six feet tall! You can’t be a pukwudgie!”

“Pukwudgies can be six feet tall! I’m a pukwudgie and I’m six feet tall therefore pukwudgies can be six feet tall!”

“Remember that transphobia affects cis pukwudgies, too,” Lilith Emma nudged me, “Don’t invalidate the six foot tall cis pukwudgies.”

“You are objectively not a pukwudgie!” I shouted into the darkness.

“Pukwudgie is an identity! I’m a trans pukwudgie! Trans pukwudgies are pukwudgies!”

I threw my hands up in exasperation. “Okay, you’re a pukwudgie! Now get in the car!”

“No! He’ll arrest me!”

“The nice policeman has promised you won’t be arrested if you cooperate! We just want to get you home!”

“Okay…but my pronouns are now puk/pukself…” There was a hint of apprehension in puk’s tone, as though puk feared puk could be walking into a trap. Nonetheless puk got into the police car.

“Ah ah ah!” Officer Bastard snapped, “You need to sit on a sweatshirt or something; no bare ass on my seats.”

“Excuse me?” Lilith Luna’s eyes burned with a smoldering fire, “Did you just call me a bear? Right after I came out to you as a pukwudgie?”

“Lilith shut the fuck up and get in the car!” I screamed, the end of my tether having been reached.

“Yes ma’am.” Lilith Luna scurried into the car.

The “ma’am” nearly launched me into a dysphoria inception, but I suppressed it, just as I’d suppressed my biotrans identity all these years. I reminded myself that tonight wasn’t about me, but about Lilith Luna and making sure that puk was brought home safe and sound.

We hadn’t driven five miles before Lilith Luna complained that puk was hungry. We stopped at a rest area, and I was overcome with relief when I saw that the polycule was there, having somehow found their way out of the forest. Jade and Lilith Alice were buying snacks while Eli, Noah, and Fred were having a screaming match with an elderly woman over Drag King Philip’s War on Cisheteronormativity.

“King Philip was a DRAG king!” Shrieked Eli. “They used they/them pronouns and fought against the cishet worldview that the white settler colonists imported from Europe! They were a Two Spirit butch lesbian who introduced drag to Massachusetts and Rhode Island!”

“As I’ve told you a hundred times already, young lady, you are entirely misinformed,” the old woman replied, cool as a cucumber. Her arrogance and self-assuredness were infuriating.

Eli’s eyes burned with the fury of a million supernovas.

“What did you just call me?”

“I called you young lady, young lady. Because that’s what you are. You can bind your breasts and take the wrong hormones but you’ll always be a young lady, young lady.”

Eli’s face crumpled. “Do I look like a young lady to you?!?” They screeched at the elderly hag. “What about me says ‘woman’ to you?”

“Everything.”

“I have short hair and I’m wearing baggy jeans!!!”

“Congratulations. You’re a woman with short hair and baggy jeans. I’ll alert the press.”

Eli put their hands over their eyes and began to cry, then fled into the women’s bathroom to make a TikTok about the incident.

“That’s what I thought.” The old hag said in celebration of her contribution towards genocide. “Get out of my way.” She shoved at me with her walker.

I contemplated going into the bathroom after Eli, but decided against it; me having a dysphoria inception in there - due to my flawless female-passing and hence lack of having my presence questioned - would be more of a hindrance than a help. I briefly considered drawing a mustache onto my face with a pen, but the only pen I had in my bag was blue. So I joined the rest of the polycule, where Lilith Emma was chattering excitedly with Lilith Alice.

“Guuuurl, you’ll never guess what happened tonight,” Lilith Emma teased, “I almost got raped!”

Lilith Alice gasped and playfully shoved her friend. “No fucking way! That would be so affirming!!! Uwu! Who was it?”

“You see that cop sitting in the car with Lilith Luna?”

“Ahhhhhh guuuuurl, a cop? That would be some major ewphoria!”

“Right! I would basically be a cis woman by that point! Uwu.”

“Uwu.” Lilith Alice concurred.

“Were you able to dilate?” Asked Lilith Emma.

“Yeah, but I had to use a tree branch and some pond scum as lube. Look, I had no choice! I can’t afford to miss a dilation session! Dr. Bank told me last time that he’ll turn me away if I come back to him a fifth time with a, and I quote, ‘Chernobyl pussy that has gas gangrene and smells like a hobo’s buttcrack’.”

Lilith Emma and I both gasped. “I had no idea Taiwanese people were so misogynistic! There are millions of cis women out there with pussies that have gas gangrene!” Exclaimed Lilith Emma.

“When it comes down to it, it’s all based on racism. Even the best SRS surgeons in the world base their ideals on Eurocentric femininity,” sighed Lilith Alice. “When a surgeon says something like ‘vAgiNaS aReN’t SuPpOsEd tO hAvE GaS gAnGrEnE’, he’s really saying ‘white vaginas don’t have gas gangrene therefore vaginas don’t have gas gangrene’. Nevermind the billions of women of color with gas gangrene in their vaginas. Are they not women?”

“This is what patriarchy does! It tries to divide and conquer women!” I exclaimed. I could feel my face getting red and hot from anger. “Ladies, raise your hand if you’ve never had gas gangrene in your vagina!” I shouted to the entire rest stop. All of the women present glanced at one another, then slowly raised their hands. Even the women of color.

“Well…you’re all a bunch of lying transphobic bitches!”

“Um, excuse me?” Came Eli’s voice from the restroom doorway, “You’re being bioessentialis, Mary. You just asked the ‘ladies’ about their vaginas. You’re tying anatomy to gender, which is from the Transphobe Playbook. I don’t know if we can be friends anymore.”

To be continued…