Last week, I shared a post here about an infuriating conversation with a friend who responded to news of male rapists in women's prisons and the victims getting pregnant with, "women pass packets of semen to get pregnant in prison, so if it doesn't hurt anyone to be kind..." And no, I'm not joking. You can read the post here:

https://ovarit.com/o/GenderCritical/645766/call-for-advice-on-peaking-material-and-a-rant

Basically, she thought that I should watch an episode of a drag/trans HSTS show set in the 1980s and that it would open my heart and I'd see the light. I used this opportunity to ask her for a media swap. I'd watch the show if she read some articles taking 2/3 the length of time of the episode. She agreed.

So after I watched the episode, I carefully curated a list of articles for her to read, and included an introduction in my email which went something like this:

First, thank you for being open to hearing new information and taking time to read the materials— it is greatly appreciated. The articles below should not take more than 52 minutes to read in total, including the introduction in this email.

Transgenderism is very important to many people. There are a growing number of people who openly identify as trans and want a world that accommodates them, the same as people of a marginal race, religion, or sexual orientation. There are also many who support and care about their transgender loved ones and want to help fight for a world that includes and values those who are marginalized.

So how can I be opposed to that? In my opinion, women are human beings. It seems like a very obvious statement that everyone agrees on, but I don't think that's really true. I think women have a lot of internalized sexism, and we also tend to care about social justice issues more than men. We have that "protective instinct" and are willing to sacrifice for the greater good. When you combine those elements, it actually makes sense to think that being a woman is an "essence." But to say that a woman is an "identity," and that the desire to wear makeup makes you one, is like saying that I'm Chinese because I like beef and broccoli. It's like saying that Rachel Dolezol is actually Black just because she wants to be.

Yes, many of us like to wear makeup and see things "a certain way" which is hard to define. Yes, many gay men have things in common with women, and some of them are effeminate enough to want to transition. Yes, there are gendered dynamics which are interesting and worthy of discussion and exploration. But that's not all a woman is. Women are oppressed because of our bodies. Specifically, because men are physically stronger than us.

If we say "trans women are women," there are consequences to that, including legal consequences. For example, some of the articles I left out covered concerned women encountering men in women's changing rooms, often at swimming pools, sometimes openly leering at girls. Some of the women speaking out and telling the men to leave the area have been threatened with arrest. So legally, depending on local laws, kicking a man out of a women's changing room is like kicking a woman out because she's a different race or religion.

As you read, some of the information in the articles below may seem shocking or impossible; one article covers a male teacher who wore fetish props to school. When I first saw the images, I was angry at whoever had shared them online. I thought, how could they be so gullible?! I wanted to stress to them the importance of fact-checking information before sharing it.

But the images were real, as were the high school students who'd been exposed to it. Neither the school nor the parents had been brave enough to protect the children. Finally, the students, in an effort to protect themselves, began filming the teacher and posting the videos to social media. After a protest on school grounds and an international outcry, the school board realized they could no longer stonewall or accuse journalists and critics of bigotry. Instead, they took a page from the playbook of the Catholic Church and transferred the teacher to another school, fetish props included.

As you read, you may find yourself repeatedly thinking, "well, that's an isolated incident," "surely this is an exception," or "no, they have rules in place to make sure that doesn't happen," and, "okay that was bad but someone is going to step in soon and set this right."

But they are not isolated incidents. I left out an enormous amount of material. For example, one of the articles included below covers a transwoman who wants to "breastfeed" and says he's doing so with the support an official organization. He is not an "isolated case." I left out numerous articles and other sources on this subject. Breastfeeding has been supported by various professionally recognized bodies in Canada, the UK, and the US (specifically the CDC/Cender for Disease Control).

There are many topics I didn't even share articles on, including:

• The impending explosion of lawsuits for regretful transitioners
• Permanently sterilized children who have been transitioned
• Possible brain damage and other bodily harm as a result of transitioned children
• Targetting of fostercare/ system children for transition, especially Native American children
• Women getting pregnant as a result of the rapes they endure in prison from male prisoners.
• Rape Shelter/ Organizations and employees being sued, threatened, and attacked for refusing to allow male clients or hire male counsellors (who identify as women)
• Female aestheticians being legally harassed for refusing to touch men's genitals (for bikini wax)

And the list goes on.

Ultimately, I think being trans means different things to different people. Some are cynical men looking to exploit the system for criminal, legal, financial and social gain. Some are gay and lesbian people trying to grapple with internalized homophobia or appease homophobic parents. Some are severely mentally ill and/or sexual fetishists. A large number are autistic. Some are women and girls trying to escape the perils of sexism and misogyny, or may be trying to escape or cope with previous sexual abuse. Some may function perfectly well in society and be happier as mimicking the opposite sex and gender-based stereotypes.

But the facts remain:

• Women are human, not outfits
• Women have a right to talk about our needs, even if they conflict with others' needs
• Women have a right to talk about our needs, even if that hurts others' feelings
• Women have a right to state our reality, even if being reminded of reality is painful for others
• Women are not collective mothers, responsible for every other group's safety
• Women are not collective servants, cheerleaders, or lunchroom monitors
• Women have a right to say no

Women in prisoner are the canary in the coal mine. They are the women who are least useful to men. What happens to them now, the revocation of their right to say no, is what is slowly happening to the rights of women who are useful to men (potential sex/romantic partners, potential mates, useful for social status, family members worth emotional value like mothers, sibling, daughters). But almost every woman I have spoken to thinks, "It won't happen to me... This will stop before it goes too far... I'm a good person and this must be the right thing to do."

Speaking about the reality of my needs, rights, and reality as a woman is more important to me than the needs, rights, and reality (or beliefs) of others. It's that simple. If that's bad, bigoted, dangerous, and wrong, then so be it. Maybe I sound insane to you, in which case I hope it's at least entertain. With that in mind, thank you again and here are the articles:

And then I presented the curated list.

I really thought it was going to work. My friend is curious, open to new perspectives, and also health-conscious (breastfeeding) and a parent who is a survivor of abuse. She will read this and be like, "WTF? I had no idea this was happening. I will really have some new things to consider. Some of the stuff I've seen is very troubling."

I really thought it was going to work.

Here is a paraphrased version of what she sent back:

Trans issues are a matter of life and death. Segregation is due to fear mongering. Female inmates often rape other female inmates. Transwomen are raped in prisons. It's worse for them.

She then listed various anecdotes of trans-identified friends and family (the family is new). Most of the stories were about suicidal people.

She said that treating trans people as they asked stemmed from the teaching of Jesus (this is new, I didn't expect this). Also she herself had a hard time breastfeeding and tried a drug used to help men lactate, so how could she judge? She was comfortable having her kid have male breastmilk.

Yes, some predators were trans, but the focus on the headlines of trans perpetrators was because they were trans, so again these were "exceptions" or just the "cruelty of the world" so to speak rather than a system issue arising from allowing men access to women's spaces.

No, she didn't think I was crazy, just getting swept up from an online echo chamber applauding me for anti-trans rhetoric. She ended her reply by stressing the importance of being kind and encouraging me to be spiritual and keep seeking the light or something like that.

And that was that.

I really thought it was going to work.

I found myself really angry reading her reply. I have a strange hunch that she did not actually read the articles. Or at least not all of them. Or in-depth. Maybe she did. I hope she did. She does strive to have integrity so I believe there's a real chance she did. I just can't imagine how she reached her conclusion.

This past week I touched base with a mutual friend of ours, a gay man. He knows my thoughts and had heard about our discussion. He again tried to sort of passive-aggressively chalk up my concerns to being "misinformed because I was seeing bad examples rather than all trans people." I think he only really cares because he knows what it is to be somewhat effeminate and gender nonconforming as a gay man and is sympathetic. He basically said as much one time.

And... I guess I want to cry with anger. I can't believe this is what my female friend has to say to me. I can't believe she spoke to me in such an incredibly condescending-seeming way. I can't believe that she can look at my list of concerns and say I'm "swept up" or that I'm looking at "bad examples" or admonish me to "be kind." I can't believe that she doesn't see the obvious problems of woman being an "identity." Or how women are used as collective mothers/emotional support as I said in my email.

I feel guilty. I feel like, maybe I should be more fair. She probably knows all these trans-identified people who just want to live normal lives. It's me. It's my bigotry. But I know, I believe, that forcing imprisoned women to live with men based on self-ID is sick and wrong. That's not fucking justice or kindness. Even if it wasn't just based on self-ID, even if castration/fake vagina were mandatory, it still wouldn't be okay because you get men like Dana Rivers/David Warfield.

I ask myself, what if I'm not being fair. What about the "good" trans people just trying to live their lives. I like to always leave a little room for, "you know what? I don't know everything. I don't know everyone's experience. So don't say I know every reason everyone does everything. Maybe there's some trans people who are just having experiences I don't understand.

But it doesn't matter. This insanity what trans people and their advocates have collectively done to women's rights. This whole fucking large-scale phenomenon is insane. My friend is concerned with being kind. I want to be kind, but at this point, It's not a priority. Self-preservation is far more important to me. We are starting to see the "reasonable" "middle-ground" trans-identified people like Brianna Wu (and he's lying, he's not middle-ground) try to take space and hold themselves up as the "right" people. At this point, I don't care. I ask myself, what if some trans people are hurt, caught in the crossfire? But no one gives a fuck about the women in prison caught in the crossfire. They don't care about the women fired, canceled. They don't care about the larger issue of how this affects women in culture and society, how it has changed the Overton window on women's ability to say what they really think and state and focus on their own needs.

I send back this reply:

"Well all I could ask if that you read the articles. Thank you for your time."

ETA: I did get an email reply from her saying that for what it was worth, she had read all the articles I'd sent and clicked on a few more on the host sites. I believe her. Rationally, if she were any other person, I wouldn't likely believe them, but I do believe her. It just wasn't enough. Oh well.

Thank you to everyone for the replies. It's been helpful.