So we were talking today about the trade war between the US and Canada and what political and financial problems that could cause, not just for both parties but the larger global community.

And I went on a bit of a rant about why Dems lost (it's the trans shit) and he and I have had this conversation multiple times. I can't remember exactly what he said but he referred to me as "transphobic" and that people who voted for Trump were "transphobic."

And he's used that type of language on me before. Referring to me as "confused" or "misinformed," but not saying, "you are misinformed" like in a conversation, but using that type of language in passing when making reference to something about what I was saying. Like if I disagree, actually it means I'm "misinformed" or shit.

And I said, "what even is transphobic? I'm not afraid. I'm anti-trans." And he replied that "transphobic" is a term that just means "anti-trans." Then he added that I am actually transphobic because I fear "them" in my locker rooms and stuff.

And I said yeah that's true.

And I didn't press it. Because I used to jump down his throat about every little thing. I can be hyper sensitive. And sometimes you have to pick your battles. I think that endless arguments with people are pointless. I also have compassion for him. He's not telling me I'm a horrible irredeemable person. And he has trans-identified friends. He wants to be supportive of them.

He's also a gay man who is mildly effeminate. This is the same friend who in recent months, during an argument said, "you understand why gay men are concerned about Kim Petras being in a men's bathroom right?" And of course I understand. Gay men like him are concerned because they are sympathetic to other gay and other effeminate men like Kim Petras. And that concern for their own interests is more important to them than their concern for women. I didn't call him on it during the argument, but I did say that while male-on-male violence was a concern, it was up to men to actually work to take care of it instead of expecting women to mother them. He replied, "true, but do you actually think men are going to do that?"

So he understands that Kim Petras is a man. He understands that women are expected to take care of men and their violence towards each other, but men do not take care of their own violence or extend the same care to women between women's issues. He just wants it done anyways. And I don't think he particularly hates or wants to harm women. He just thinks this is the way it is. It's a casual, subconscious or barely-conscious sexism and entitlement.

Fast forward to his slipping in of a reference to people (and me) being "transphobic" during our recent call. I let it go during the call, but afterwards I did get pissed. "Transphobic" is a euphemism for bigot. And I am not a bigot for knowing that over 50% of transsexual males have narcissistic personality disorder and that they are an elevated risk of causing harm not just to themselves, but the people around them. I am not a bigot for understand that sexism and misogyny exploits women at the benefit of men, including the expectation that men's feelings , desires and goals are more important than women's needs and reality. I am not a bigot for knowing that self-ID means that men will identify in women's prison and cause untold damage to the women trapped with them. I am not a bigot for understanding that even if these male inmates have had their cock and balls cut off, they still shouldn't be allowed to bother women in prison (Dana Rivers anyone?). I'm not a bigot for understanding the dynamics and greater implications of whittling away women's space in public life when their bathrooms are annexed by men. I'm not a bigot for understanding all of this, even if it's uncomfortable and makes men and handmaidens upset. Knowing all this stuff is not equivalent to racism. It's not bigotry. It's not "wrong" to want to think about women's actual needs, or to acknowledge that we are oppressed as a class by men as a class, and that we only pretend that Lilith Alice Cuntsparkle is a woman BECAUSE women are oppressed as a class by men, including psychologically.

The reason I didn't push back is because it just feels tiresome and pointless. I don't want to badger him. I don't want to put him in a corner where he is going to lie because he wants to be a good ally to those he feels sympathy with and which larger society has been telling him for years is the "right" way to think. The last time it happened, I said "I'll push back next time." And this time, I did too. And he deflected and redirected. And I guess that's fine.

Because ultimately, I don't want to be someone who gets bogged down in petty arguments. Yes, what he says bothers me. Yes, he is a stupid fucking man who dared to tell me I was a bigot for "being afraid of 'them' (i.e. MEN)" in my fucking change rooms, as if I'm somehow having an IRRATIONAL fear of men who want to get into my change rooms and as if it's "weaponizing" my trauma when even if it's not "all men" who are a threat, enough fucking are that ALL men bring on that response. And he's pretending to be neutral. It's that soft, subtle attempt in his language. And yes, the obvious answer is, "just don't be friends with him." But I can't cut everyone out of my life. I don't think that's healthy for me. I also have a history of being hyper-sensitive and trying to badger others into agreeing with me. And life doesn't work that way. Even if our friendship one day dissolves, I don't want it to be over this issue. I've been dumped, as many of us have, by friends (including women) who found out we were dangerous and unrepentant boundary-setters and valuers of women's needs and reality (i.e., terfs). He didn't dump me for that.

Ultimately, while his behavior was very annoying and disrespectful, arguing is a waste of time. He has admitted damn well he knows it's bullshit. He won't outright say, "I know it's bullshit," but then he'll say that shit about Kim Petras or other things where it's plain he knows it's bullshit and he expects women to take care of things. He's not the only friend who's admitted that it's bullshit to me. They do it in random comments, usually not "I know this is bullshit" but it's clear they understand. Of course then they jump back to the "safe" side. Arguing is pointless. I hope I just call him out.

Today, I didn't know how to say, "THIS is why I disagree with what you're saying. I disagree with the word "transphobic" because it implies I am somehow wrong or a bigot for being honest about women's situation and needs and understanding what trans males actually say about themselves and what researchers have said. I disagree with you implying that I am somehow wrong or a bigot for being afraid of men and daring to call them what they are (men) and not putting their feelings and ego above my needs and reality as a woman." Although to be fair, I'm starting to get concerned about some women roided up on T. The ones I've met have been fine, but I've heard some stories.

I think anti-trans is fair. I never liked "transphobic" because it doesn't even mean anything anymore. Setting boundaries is transphobic. Living in reality is transphobic. Anti-trans. The more I've learned about this, the more opposed to it I've become.

I feel better now. Thanks.