As one final (well, maybe) Youngest vs AGP story, I'll share how AGP got his revenge on Youngest's impudence.

To begin.

I am an uptight, noise hating sort of person raised by a neurotic mother who also couldn't stand noise, and believed children should be polite and civilized beyond their nature.

The good lord Jesus blessed her with compliant, quiet children who happily would sit cross stitching while watching Pride and Prejudice.

Jesus don't want me for a sunbeam, though, because that's not what I was blessed with.

It's an uphill battle, but I do my best to give my children energy outlets while teaching them to be aware of other people's comfort. In between, I apologize to everyone and try to exit stage left ASAP. Oldest is more energetic, but actually does want to make a good impression on adults. Youngest is less energetic, but does not give a flying fuck about making a good impression on adults. So keep that in mind.

The other day we came to our floor with groceries, that included raw chicken and other things that must be put away immediately. A man was watching his two step-kids playing in the hallway. Why they couldn't play in the playroom in the lower level I'm not sure. But now Youngest was excited to see children, and wanted to play. I had trouble pulling Youngest away, but the step dad assured me he'd watch Youngest while I put the groceries where they had to go. I had Oldest stay to keep an eye on things and I'd be back in one minute.

I knew things were getting loud, because this was a step-dad who did not mind noise. I was frantically shoving things in the fridge and freezer. It got a little louder. I started yanking out leftovers and tossing them in the sink to make room. It got a little louder. At this point I'm trying to shut the freezer with my ass because something is blocking it. It got a little louder. Not just from Youngest mind you, but still. I pulled open the freezer and pulled the cinnamon toast sticks from the box, throw the box behind me, and punched the bag into shape.

I could hear another neighbor child enter the mosh pit in the hallway. He is autistic and mostly makes loud, hooting vocalizations. Youngest loves him and whenever they meet, Youngest includes him by making these loud noises too. He wanted to play with the other kids, and his dad, who also didn't mind noise, came out to supervise everyone's bad behavior.

I gave up on battling with the fridge- let the food spoil- I had to go stop this before the childfree neighbors had a fit.

I didn't even hear the step-dad tell the kids to keep it down. He seemed cool with all this. Neither did the other father. Two grown men, watching a bunch of kids, they got it under control, don't worry, the bar is set at starting a fire, no worries. Before I got to the door, in came Oldest, carrying a fighting and angry Youngest. Youngest was acting like a bobcat who'd been interrupted by a farmer while trying to murder the rooster. The hallway was now suddenly silent and devoid of children.

Oldest dropped Youngest and Youngest stormed off.

"What happened?!" I asked.

"The AGP!"

"What?"

"He came out and told us we were being too loud in the hallway. He was wearing really, really tight leggings. Like, Mom, they were SO tight! I think they were the butt ones."

"They were not the butt ones."

"Well, I don't know. He didn't turn around. But they could have been the butt ones."

They might have been "the butt ones." I guess we'll never know. Let me remind you, this guy has the build of a linebacker. The fathers saw him, grabbed their children, and fled, as Oldest had grabbed Youngest before Youngest could respond. Because Youngest was certainly going to.

We were all bad parents that day- I should have insisted Youngest come with me no matter who was having a good time in the hallway. I certainly agree that the kids shouldn't have been noisy, especially with two parents there. I don't blame anyone for stepping out and complaining.

But dude, put some sweat pants on.

Still, the AGP laid down the law, and Oldest prevented Youngest from making a remark. You won this round, He-Man. Until next time!

But seriously, man, I do think it's a bit rich that you want to enforce social decorum when you are making everyone witness your private fetish at all times. Especially in revealing clothing, though honestly, none of it cool. Even ordering me in text form to call you a woman is inflicting your fetish on others. You don't want to hear my noisy kids, and I don't blame you. But we don't want to see your fetish, either.

No, it's not on me to explain "how some people are different" because you don't have a disability, you don't have a disfigurement, you are not a new ethnic group my kids have never seen before, you just have a cross-dressing fetish you let take over your life. No I do NOT want to lie to my kid and say you're really a woman just because you have a paraphilia.

Youngest is charting out plans to rise triumphant once more.