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I have questions about deadnaming and maybe this isn't the right place to ask it but, why is it so bad for people to slip up if it's an accident? I have spent my life being called a shorter version of my name, which is extremely triggering because it is what the person who sexually abused me as a child called me, but it's the shorter version of my name. I can't throw a fit, or scream, I just ask people not to say it and deal with the PTSD around being called that on my own.

No one ever remembers to call me my full name. You can't say to a boss, hey that is what my sexual abuser called me. I don't understand why they aren't expected to have the same... sense of self, strength? I don't really know what to call it, but it's something that I really don't understand. Sorry, if this is in the wrong place, no idea where to put this. It is just something I have wondered about for a long time.

I have questions about deadnaming and maybe this isn't the right place to ask it but, why is it so bad for people to slip up if it's an accident? I have spent my life being called a shorter version of my name, which is extremely triggering because it is what the person who sexually abused me as a child called me, but it's the shorter version of my name. I can't throw a fit, or scream, I just ask people not to say it and deal with the PTSD around being called that on my own. No one ever remembers to call me my full name. You can't say to a boss, hey that is what my sexual abuser called me. I don't understand why they aren't expected to have the same... sense of self, strength? I don't really know what to call it, but it's something that I really don't understand. Sorry, if this is in the wrong place, no idea where to put this. It is just something I have wondered about for a long time.

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[+] [Deleted] 62 points

why is it so bad for people to slip up

Because most trans adults act like giant toddlers. They don't care what a persons intentions were, they've been conditioned to get angry and upset at anything they perceive to be threatening to their made up identity.

I have a few schoolmates who still call me by my last name (maiden name) even though I despise that name and completely rid myself of it after I got married. I don't even go into it with them as to why I hate that name because I know they're not trying to upset me, because I'm not mentally unstable.

Have you thought about changing your name?

I already changed my last name to get rid of the abusers' name, can't even imagine the paperwork I would be expected to carry around if I changed my first as well. I have special name change paperwork, that I was told I can't get another copy of without a court order and am terrified of losing it since it was changed when I was a minor. I just, don't understand how female sexual assault victims are expected to be so strong and have their shit together, while trans, are given pass after pass, and everyone seems to defend them.

My aunt wanted to legally change her first name along with her last when she married my uncle. But, at least at the time about 15 years ago,, it was apparently MUCH harder for a woman to change her first name than her last name. So she opted not to.

I'm assuming that's gone out the window now that trans people have declared it a human right to change their name on a whim. 🙄

while trans, are given pass after pass, and everyone seems to defend them.

because they are male

I'm sorry to hear about your abuse and hope you are doing better now.

"Helen insists on using the women's changing room" has a different ring than "Bob insists on using the women's changing room". It's that easy.

It's also easier to obfuscate your criminal history if you change your name and your "gender".

Very true. Especially if every single fuck-up of your past was committed by A Dead Man; who is Dead; and must not be named; and is unrelated to your stunning and brave Woman-Self; and if a lowly bleeder dares relate you to the Dead Man, you get to accuse her of hate crimes 😊

I get what you're saying. This is just one more avenue where trans people are coddled while the rest of us have to suck it up.

I know a Jewish convert who changed her name upon conversion. Many of her old friends and family still use her old name. And she doesn't throw tantrums about it because she's an adult who realizes that people are gonna have a hard time adjusting to "Yocheved" when she was "Catherine" for 35 years previously.

“Deadnaming” is some adolescent grade drama. “Previously known as” does the same work without the histrionics.

To your situation, though: you are entirely within your rights to be called what you want to be called, and you don’t need to explain anything to anybody, much less that you were abused. My name has a common nickname form that I hate. I will say, politely but firmly, and every single time, “my name is Nicole, not Nicky.” If I think someone is being difficult on purpose, I will pause, and then say “there is nobody here by that name, whom are you looking for?“

And I work with men who do this to, who go by Richard and refused to be called Rich or Rick. It doesn’t matter if it’s a normal short form, you get to decide what people call you.

Yeah as much as people changing their names doesn't bother me (it's not like changing your assigned name is novel in any way) it's the term "dead naming". It gives me a really off feeling. It's a really extreme name to refer to a name change.

For a lot of legal papers, you have to list every name you’ve ever had. Including your abusive ex or father. Women deal. Does it feel good? Nope. Do we have hysterical, violent, narcissistic breaks that cause us to lash out in all directions? Also nope.

It isn't just names. It is mentioning uteruses, breasts, chromosomes, pronouns, anything.

It is a test to allegiance, a form of thought control.

You can't say to a boss, hey that is what my sexual abuser called me.

BUT YOU NEED TO DO SO!

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I also have a similar story. In fact, I had to have surgery and was worried about being knocked out around strangers and an amazing doctor sat with me and brainstormed how to make it easier. One thing we came up with was to have everyone call me by the full name. I joked it would probably confuse me, but confusion was better than freaking out. It did, but it also did work, and now I have it plastered all over my medical records. That started to snowball in my life, and I politely correct anyone to my full name. I deserve to not feel flashbacks in my everyday life, and so does everyone else. You're not asking to be called "UnicornSparklesPillowFight" but instead your normal legal name and you deserve that much respect from everyone.

I avoid saying "dead naming" and say "using someone's given name". "Death" is so over the top and I can't help but think of a mentally ill person "catastrophizing" - taking something mundane and treating it like a catastrophe.

Usually, the people who object the most are compulsive liars or pathological liars - which are both associated with personality disorders.

So - I'd say it's really part of the mental illness that also drives people to want to transition because they have an unstable sense of self.

(Not all people interested in transition have personality disorders, but it's pretty clear quite a few online transgender personalities do suffer from them).

So true. "Dead"-naming. For goodness sake. <rolls eyes>. Nobody here has died. Soooo melodramatic.

There is a huge intersection of autism and cluster b personality disorders in trans people. A trans person with autism is likely to have black and white thinking and control issues, so when someone doesn't use the name that they have told you to use it causes a melt down (I personally know many autistic TIPs that react this way). People with personality disorders often have victim complexes so constantly think that everything is a personal attack.

Oh well everything bloody triggers them I’m sure the sky being blue or grass being green is a constant reminder that they’re not a woman.

If you want people to call you by your full name just respond to them with it when they call you your shortened name. For me: Them: “Jess…?” Me: “ica”

If it’s the end of your name, say Annalisa and they’re just calling you Lisa respond with Annalisa in the same tone they called your name in. They learn, fast. Don’t be worried about being rude, it’s not your just asking people to call you by your name, most people are well meaning and didn’t mean to offend you or call you the wrong thing. Dead naming is just another form of control trans people try to have over you.

[–] hmimperialtortie AGP = evil 3 points

Yes, I have spent decades with people dropping the last syllable of my name, which I dislike them doing. My reaction is usually “I paid good money for this name, use it all.” (I changed it by deed poll forty years ago, a very simple procedure here.)

[–] crodish 🔪🍠 10 points Edited

Slightly off topic but I had a classmate like this who was oddly not trans, but just preferred a weeaboo name (like really weeaboo. Like "Neko-tan" levels of weeaboo). It wasn't registered legally or anything, she just really, really wanted to be called that and got extremely butthurt everytime she wasn't. The whole class (including teachers) ended up going with it even though it was cringe af because it beat having to see her throw a hissy fit about it. She was nice otherwise, but jesus

It's all about control. I like her as a person but goddamn I do hope she looks back on that period of time with extreme cringe once she gets older

Edit: I think the thing that's even cringier about "dead names" vs their new names is... no one gets to choose their birth name. It's what your parents named you. It could be a cringe ass name like Optimus Prime (it has happened) but if the person is below a certain age you generally know that's not their fault.

With "new names" that trans people choose for themselves, you KNOW that's what they chose for themselves. It's what they think of themselves reflected in the name. So when you see Angelique Valentina-Cherrypie Mckinnon you know they damn well were jerking off while thinking about what to name themselves. Or the stupid shit like "Aiden", "Jayde", "Jamie", all softboi nonbinary crap names.

Uffda, that's really rough. A member of my high school friend group did the same thing, but we all point blank refused (it was practically an entire goddamn sentence, like "Cat Goddess of the Infinite Heavens" or something in Japanese). They tried super hard though, and even claimed we were bullying them.

We ended up settling on "Neko", but she insisted we pronounce it "Nico".

I distinctly remember putting my head face-down on the desk and loudly sighing.

yikes. I wanted everyone to call me "Jasmin" and would get upset when people didn't but I was 5.

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