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RantI Finally Broke Up With “Harold”
I am furious beyond words, mostly at myself for not seeing this sooner.
I’ve posted about my friend “Harold” before, who essentially just uses me for emotional dumping, whether that’s trauma-dumping about his family or gabbing about his “harem anime” lifestyle. Important context is that he is black and I am white. I am attractive, he really is not conventionally. I have a husband, three children, and am a homeowner. He is broke, smokes a lot of weed, and is basically a bitter incel.
Because I have insight into the industry, I agreed to go out to lunch with him to discuss writing. We went to a cheap diner and spent a couple hours of… me listening to his rambling, disjointed professions of wanting to write a science fiction novel. It was a barrier and a drag on my day but I endured because I’ve known him for years and want to see him move up and beyond in the world instead of just living like he’s in community college forever (that’s how we met.)
I invited him to events that ultimately lowered my social capital because he is a socially awkward and self-obsessed oversharer and mega-cringe. Meanwhile he was always benefitting socially from being seen with me.
This culminated in him posting a selfie of us together. One of his male friends commented “skin man”, which I can only perceive as drawing attention to our different skin color, and either an accusation of fetishism or a kind of “nice, man” congratulation. Either way it is damaging to my reputation as a married woman with children, whose friends and family could see that selfie and the comments on it. I expressed to him that I thought I deserved an apology and he demanded I take it up with his friend. I said, “no way” and he accused me of forcing him to choose between two friends. I said “I just want a private apology for what he said” and he refused, saying it would be “emasculating” and only serve to make me feel “better”.
I expressed that if he really feels that way, I don’t want him interacting with people I care about because I have an obligation to protect them. He was so offended he blocked me. He was my “friend” for over a decade and I’m kind of reeling, but recognizing that I did nothing but give, and the day I asked for an apology for his friend’s shitty comment on our photo I got blocked.
Ladies, and especially girls, be wary of male friendships! They just want to fuck you, and will say that they did when you fall out of sorts out of spite.
Any man who uses the term "emasculating" unironically is one I'd avoid. It's evidence of their expectation that women should alter their personalities and behaviour to make them look stronger.
Sorry for your hurt feelings, but congratulations on losing that parasite.
I think it frustrated him a lot that I never gave him reassurances that he was very very attractive when he got down on himself. I’d always say something like “play to your strengths,” “looks aren’t everything,” “beauty is subjective,” and “most people in their 30s are beginning to outgrow that kind of vanity because even for the very beautiful, their looks are starting to fade.” He was convinced that all of his problems were because of his looks while neglecting his overall health and refusing to improve or grow as a person in any way. It WAS exhausting, and again, it’s not like he’s disfigured. He has a lot of mental health issues (big surprise) and one of them may well be body dysmorphia.
I appreciate your empathy. I feel energized and light as a feather without waking up to a million navel-gazing messages from him. Suddenly I have so much time.
Our looks don’t start to fade in our 30’s. I’ve noticed a shift in faces to slightly more angular, mine too. I’m 35 and feel far more beautiful than when I was younger. But also, I got ID’d for alcohol the other day (18 here) so I wouldn’t say I even look particularly past my 20’s, let alone ageing so much I’ve lost my looks.
Men may think our looks fade when we look undoubtedly like women opposed to girls, but I don’t.
I got told last night that I look “28 at most” and I’m 36 (person telling me was 24). I find that I feel a little more comfortable in my skin at this age and I know how to present myself better than I was when I was a somewhat messy and depressed college student, so I’m inclined to agree with you. If you take care of yourself and are blessed with some youthful features, your 30s and 40s can be your absolute prime of beauty.
Of course, I know a fair number of people in their 30s, my ex-friend Harold included, who can’t say this. He literally had to have all his teeth pulled due to decay (and our city’s drinking water has fluoride in it; it’s actually DIFFICULT to have decay to that extent, here.) He’s solidly built so he could get absolutely ripped in the gym after a couple months of discipline but that’s too hard, of course. He has a lot of hatred towards other black men so he has seemed to come to hate his facial features that are a little broader and blunter instead of sharp and sculpted like an anime character or something. He has a dour and bitter attitude. He’s definitely aging poorly.